January 24, 2017

Being Okay with Why?

Sometimes, often, we cannot find the right words to say.

Today marks one of those days.

A year ago, I woke up to discover that I was having a miscarriage.

Actually I was unsure...so I went about attending the work event I had that day.

This was after my husband rushed home in glee from church, where he had announced to everyone that we were having a baby.

I can still see his face and feel the weight of sadness from that moment.

I hear the car pull into the driveway.

Hear the car door shut.

He walks up the steps.

I am lying in bed.

He literally bops around the door into our room and doesn't see me.

He is too excited.

"I told everyone that we were having a baby!!!" he yells.

I look at him, "WHY?"

"Well.....I was excited....and I guess it got the best of me," he continues.

Tears pour from my eyes.

"I think I am having a miscarriage," I manage to say.

It is as though he has passed out, but remains standing.

He fumbles for words, I fumble for breaths.

We embrace. We cry.

We did indeed lose our first baby.

Yet, somehow, perhaps she was there too or it was another pregnancy...we were pregnant just a few weeks later.

Clare Hope wrote her own scary story throughout the first trimester.

Yet every day, I kiss 10 little fingers and toes.

And I stroke her growing hair.

And I tickle her belly and pinch her butt.

And I sing to her, and tell her stories, and whisper her secrets.

Every day I marvel at the miracle of her.

Yet, today I remember a loss.

No words.

Perhaps the most wondered thought, is Why?

Why do we have to go through sadness, losses, trials?

And sometimes it seems like the most undeserving people get hailed on with those type of things.

Why?

I would like to think there is answer, but what the last year has shown me is that it's okay to not know.

I can sit and wonder why and try to figure it out.

Which is my nature, but without that loss, I would not have this life.

A little girl who looks at me with eyes in which I see her Daddy and I.

A little mouth that makes the sweetest noises in delight.

A face that smiles in pure love.

So these rambling words are just bubbling emotions of all that I hold in my heart right now.

I still shed a tear about our loss, but I also smile.

I could not have one without the other.

And I honestly would not trade the shitty, sad, scared, angry what was, for what is.

All that it took to get to here, to her, was worth it.

Every single moment.

Inadequate words, for the most extraordinary journey of hope.

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