Embracing My Journey

From Wandering to Wondering

2012-01-28T08:04:00.000-08:00

We wake up each day and repeat pretty much the course of yesterday. Ending up ready for bed each night tired only from the typical routine of what always is.

Most of us walk through life waiting for eventually. The "eventually" of when we have enough time or enough money or enough courage or enough faith to do what we really want to do. The endless list of excuses that keep us bound to the safety of now. Letting the unknowns of what if I just....paralyze us.

I am learning more and more that often we are pushed to face our own feared landscape of the unknown. I think of several friends who are wandering right now. Some are getting caught in the depths of self doubt. Some are choosing distractions to avoid facing what they need too. Some are choosing to accept that this is how it is just going to be and remain stuck.

There are a handful though who are embracing the change. They have moved to a new place to follow their dreams. They have decided to take some time off to choose what is next. They are expanding themselves through trying new things. They are wondering.

I am faced with my canvas of life filled with a bunch of question marks right now. For a little while I let them be shadowed with doubts of uncertainty, but then I found the faith to believe, again. Slowly those question marks turned to hues of bright hope and glittery goodness of what is.

The mirroring of my today to my yesterday is over. I am enjoying the adventure of figuring out what I want my "eventually" to be. Leaving the wandering and embracing the wondering.

SEE?

2012-01-23T20:41:00.000-08:00

Schedules were once a necessary part of my day. I was the to-do list master and was disciplined about self indulgence (usually playing on the computer or reading) until the work for the day was done and the girls were in bed and everything was ready for the next day and all the shoes were lined up by the door and all the dishes were clean...and... I had lost my spontaneity.

I think really though, I feared the loss of control. If I wasn't in charge things would not happen, they would not get done right, or fast enough. I was a master at controlling myself...and tried to control others...to make them fit into what I wanted them to be.

Life was structured and routines prevailed. Interruptions greatly threw my world off kilter and made me angry.

That was then.

Cass was sick today and as she lay resting on the couch, I spent the day playing on the computer. A few times I thought that about the floors that needed to be mopped...and eventually the wash made it to the dryer. Yet, my mind was consumed in thinking about the next big event in my life.

For once again in my life, I am ready to throw caution to the wind and dive right in without holding my nose. It has been a long, long time since I felt this ready for something. So today I got frustrated when I felt like all the reasons of why not now (albeit practical ones) were being shared with me.

So I started to revert to planning...organizing...controlling. Letting the ugly old parts of me start to have life in now. That is not who I am.

So honey, forget all the what ifs, the hows, all the little things we just don't know. Life has a way of working itself out. Often better than we can imagine. I know what is real, and true, and beautiful. I take this gift of us and want to celebrate it as only we can.

There was a time when I would not have been able to say all of that, but this is now.

I believe. I trust. I am ready.

SEE?

Faith

2012-01-18T08:27:00.000-08:00

The other night I spent countless hours lying awake wrestling with some news I had recently received. It was not something I wanted to hear, but it was the truth. I had known all along, but it was confirmed in the end.

So this news catapulted me back into the past. Initially I was shocked, then angry, then ...my body shook, I was physically sick, and started to drown in endless sorrow.

I fought to get out of remaining back there. It is easy to get stuck in the what was and let it strangle the happiness out of what is.

I have always tried to live for the present. Yet, I struggle at times letting history take happiness out of my today's.

Of all the good and of all the bad in my past, it comprises chapters of my life that have shaped who I have become.

I am on a constant journey to being the best me that I can be. I take what the past was and learn from it. Vowing never to make certain mistakes again, promising myself to forgive, pushing myself to learn from it and be better.

As hard as I wish there is no power to change what has occurred or to erase it from memory. What I do know is that I can choose to allow the past to intrude and continue to have life by festering in the present or I can learn to accept and forgive.

Forgiveness is hard but essential. This is very difficult for me. Yet, I am slowly moving past the "Why did this happen to me?" to "How has this (or can this) help me grow?" I am grabbing onto faith; clinging to the hope and promise of the future.

Sharing My Journey

2012-01-11T18:48:00.001-08:00

In a world full of expectations we are doomed to fail. Try as I might to be the perfect mother, wife, friend, daughter, boss, employee....I have wonderfully failed in all of these areas.

Tonight I find myself reflecting on my failures.

There were days when I was simply perfect in all these things, doing what everyone else expected. Going, going, going and going to the point of crashing. Only to take a twenty minute reprieve and go at it again. I wanted to escape, even for a weekend get-a-way alone, but the guilt of taking time for me always won over.

Running eventually became my escape and turned into something I enjoyed. Countless offers of others to run with me were avoided because this was the only thing that I gave to myself.

I have always worked. I have always said yes. I have always done everything I could for others. I have always placed others needs ahead of my own. I have tried to meet expectations of others at the cost of myself.

As much as I love celebrating others through giving, I hate receiving gifts. I get uneasy opening gifts in front of others and subdue emotions when doing so. I commented to my best friend last night that when he shows up I am so excited, but I rarely show it. Receiving gifts, in any form, is not easy for me.

Why is it so hard to just be who we are? Why do we convince ourselves that being us is not enough? Why do we not celebrate the wonderfully wacky and unique person we are?

My life is not picture perfect and it is not what others wish it was. I have received enough notes of failure in the last several months to know just what others do not like about my life.

Yet despite the daily expectations of others I fail to meet, I am learning that is okay to be me. Each day I discover new gifts that I am learning to receive and I am learning to express the joy of such things.

I know my faults. I have accepted my failures. I still struggle to find consistency in the middle of being too strict or too lenient. But I am me. On a journey of learning, discovering, accepting, believing, trusting, and growing.

In a world full of expectations we are doomed to fail. I will never be perfect and that is okay.

Home

2011-12-30T11:13:00.000-08:00

"Are you from here or are you visiting?" she questioned sitting down at a table across from us last night out for dinner. "No this is home for us," one of us replied.

I thought of this exchange as I ran this morning. I felt like Jim Carrey in the Truman Show when every single person I passed smiled and greeted me "Good Morning." It was a beautiful morning full of people walking, riding bikes, children laughing in their yards. The picture perfect small town.

I thought about home.

Daily working with homeless people... people literally without a home; it struck me how many people wander around "homeless" every day. Home being more than a building that provides a place to sleep.

There are many who do not have a safe haven to return to, a sanctuary of peace and love and acceptance. I am far more knowledgeable about this type of displacement that I really care to admit. It is saddening.

For a long time I aimed to have the perfect home when people would come to visit. I wanted my house to be perfectly clean and welcoming. I found it hard to be at home without jumping up to clean or fix something. It was hard to just relax. I wanted me to be perfect too.

Many of us work so hard in life to perform what is expected of us... at work, in families, in relationships; ending up confused as to who we have become. We end up creating home void of the holiness of a sanctuary.

It has taken me awhile to accept that when friends are coming to my home, they are not looking at my house. My home is me.

And now I am learning that even though I am covered with dusty scars of imperfections, they love me anyway. Even though I make mistakes daily, they love me anyway. Even when I disagree with them, they love me anyway.

So last night at dinner with Mike and Dee...while receiving texts of love from Cheryl, Maddie, and Judy...I knew I had found my sanctuary. Indeed I was home.

My Own Christmas Carol

2011-12-01T19:37:00.000-08:00

There is not enough time in the day, but lately I am able to find the time to sit and stare at myself basking in deep reflection. It is Christmas Carol like in reflecting on what was, what is, and what will be.

I have come to appreciate that my life has been…full. I have been the helper of three wonderful miracles, I have been the “mother” of Korean sons and daughters, a Japanese son, a Chinese son, and a Mexican daughter; I have been a mother of 7 children through the gift of foster parenting; I have bought a house, added onto a house, sold a house, and bought another house; I learned more nursing skills than I ever wanted when Ben ruptured his Achilles and was on bed rest; I have been blessed to work continuously since I was 14; and I have transitioned to a house full of girls.

I have come to be extremely mindful of my compulsive behavior to be the energizer bunny. A few years back I had to talk myself through the need to not say “yes” to everything. I am better at resting now, although I still tend to waver towards the go-go-go side. I am able to put myself first occasionally and not feel guilty. I am embracing the joy of discovering things I want to try and have an endless bucket list.

My life is quite easy in comparison too many, yet I struggle to always see that clearly. It is easy to feel overwhelmed, under grateful, and alone. I believe my future holds great things and I want to rush to get there, yet the true adventure is the journey of each day. With the tendency to want to plan it is hard to wait for soon. I suppose that is also my own selfish behavior of just wanting it all now and the fear of just how uncertain the future can be.

Lately I have felt like I am living in four different worlds…being who I am always…but with differences in each. This has been exhausting. So it is time to start melding them all together. I am very aware that in doing so it may surprise some or offend others, but it really is not about what others think. I know there are times that God is shaking his head at me laughing, and I also know there are times that he is extending his arms of grace over and over and over again to me. I treasure the truth of knowing just how much the gift of unconditional love means.

The past several months of transitioning have been some of the most joyous and hardest times for me. I am not sure if processing through transitions ever has a definite ending. I fail to think you just wake up one day knowing you are done and I believe life is too short to sit waiting for the ending only then to be able to start what’s next. In my reflection I have asked for forgiveness, forgave myself, and have some scars that perhaps time will heal. I refuse though to sit waiting to be completely perfect in the eyes of the world to begin what’s next.

Today it all starts with publicly sharing that for awhile now I have been a single mother of three beautiful blessings. The details surrounding this is only for a few to know and I have kept this hidden out of fear of what others would think. Yet, I cannot begin melding “my worlds” without sharing this first.

I am grateful for those who unknowingly supported and loved me over…well for a long time. I am extremely thankful for my “extended family” who have encouraged me non-stop from a distance—you are so very special to me Aaron, Amanda, and Amy. I also thank God ever day for these people who have created a local family for me--so thank you Dee, Cheryl, Johnny, Judy, Sam, Jodee, and Rocky. For lunches, dinners, talks, laughter, tears, hugs, kisses, for creating memories that I wake up thinking can't be true, for music, and for embracing me and the girls. And for the one who keeps me supplied with the brand of toilet paper I prefer and the lunchables the girls eats....well you know.

Awhile back I am not sure I could have said this in full sincerity, but tonight I can truly say I echo Tiny Tim when he exclaims... "God Bless us, everyone!"

Truly a Wonderful World

2011-11-25T13:32:00.000-08:00

I used to be a runner. Although, I suppose once you are a runner you are always a runner (hmm...well that is something I guess I need to think about more...). For various reasons I have been out of running regularly. I missed it horribly--the exercise, getting lost in thought, and the stress relief.

So this morning after a wonderful wake-up and lingering in bed, the beautiful 70 degrees invited me outside to run.

The first half mile was hard as I tried to find my breathing rhythm, but once I did I was ready. Eventually, I veered off the road to run the beach only to be greeted by a group of four unloading kayaks from their car. They were talking and laughing and the bright yellows and reds and blues from their kayaks seemed to mirror the mood of their time. It made me smile.

The sand dune up the beach was deep and soft and I felt sand spray up my legs with each step I ran. It reminded me of running in the snow for soccer practice back in high school. Although there is much more delight in the sand kissing my legs instead of snow slush.

As I got closer to the top of the sand dune I could spy the vast ocean and marveled at how calm it was. The water seemed near motionless with expanses of sand inviting you far out into the ocean floor. While footprints of earlier runners or walkers left a path inviting you to "come on in."
It was serene.

Looking into the distance I spotted a couple, weathered by time, sitting on the rock jetty. As I got closer I noticed how her head rested on his shoulder. The red hood from her coat flapped in the wind behind them creating the illusion of a kite. He smiled down at her, stopping to brush the wind blown hair from her eyes and she tilted her head up in response. This pure moment of delicate love brought tears to my eyes.

I continued down the beach admiring two little girls as they stood with the jeans rolled up letting the tide kiss their toes. The water would touch their toes and they would look at one another and just giggle. And they would do it over and over. I smiled at their jubilant delight over such a simple thing.

Admiring all that was around I got lost in thought when suddenly out of the corner of my eye I spotted a dolphin fin. I slowed my pace to see it again and when he reappeared I laughed realizing that I was "running with the dolphins." We remained partners for about a half a mile until I realized I had run father down the beach than I intended. Yet, I felt like I could run forever. There was something amazing and beautiful about this moment.

Finishing my run I marveled at how much joy running brings me. Not just for the exercise but for the time it allows me to take in the wonder of the world around me. There was so much I wanted to share so I returned home. Filled with such peace and joy and glee just knowing that it truly is a wonderful world.

The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow

2011-11-22T12:47:00.000-08:00

My day did not go as planned. I started off thinking I was giving someone a gift, but did not receive the affirmation I was looking for. I guess it wasn't really a gift if I had expectations. But this started my day off kilter and things just seemed to continue downhill...part of it was I had big plans for my day. None of them seemed to happen.

Sometimes there is nothing else to do but let out a big "ARGH," let it go and just take whatever the rest of the day holds as a gift.

The letting of when things don't go as you hoped...well... I struggle with that.

So I am having Thanksgiving today and continue to prepare the food for those who I am to share this with. My heart is not in it and I just go through the motions.

I am peeling potatoes...thinking of the meal I am preparing for those I love... and thoughts from Ann Voskamp's "One Thousand Gifts" pop into my mind. In the small, menial things, tasks throughout the day.. .give thanks for something. So I start thinking of my girls and the gifts they are....and the others who are coming for dinner and the gifts they are. This brings tears to my eyes and I stop and stare at nothing.

Cass takes me from where I am when she appears by my side holding a blue plastic plate and a play doh birthday cake. "You were feeling sad so I made something for you." I hug her so very tightly.

And so I should be cooking Thanksgiving dinner not out of obligation, but love. So I cook the rest of the meal offering specific thanks for things about those who will share the meal with me tonight. I do love them so.

I am mindful of my dear friend who will have Thanksgiving later this week at a different place while her heart lingers somewhere else. She is a beautiful person who brings such joy to others and yet I do not think she knows just how precious she is. She is discovering it though and I can't wait until she really sees herself as we see her.

I am also mindful of this is a new first for another person and as much as I wanted to give and make it special, I feel I failed. It did not come close to being what I wanted it to be. I settled in a funk for this morning and could not get past the barriers I created. So I cry because the night ended not as it should have and I sit here alone.

"ARGH"

Downstairs I hear the laughter of my three blessings and know that whatever I am feeling, they deserve better. So I pray for inner peace, for a better day tomorrow, for my dear friend and her week, and for one to forgive my failed first.

As another dear friend reminded me earlier today, "The sun will come out tomorrow..." I can't change today, and there were some good and wonderful moments...but I am ready for tomorrow.

FOR ME

2011-11-21T19:20:00.000-08:00

As I have gone through some major transitions in my life, I have chosen to not write a lot out of fear of what others would think. Would what I say be offensive? Would others think I am crazy? Would I be judged?

The sad truth is that even while I have not shared my journey, these things have still happened. Regardless, of sharing the truth of my heart, hoping that it may help someone else, I found myself still criticized for things. This only caused a downward spiral into self blame and so I chose to pull myself even tighter (because I was a pretty private person already) and surrounded and protected myself fiercely.

There was one person though, who refused to let me stand alone. Through consistent encouragement and persistent love, I was shown that even though sometimes I could not find words, and the tears would not stop, and my list of faults was endless....that I was valued. In the worst of the worst... I was still valued.

This grew to including a collection of friends---some new, some old---who sat listening, who made me laugh, who encouraged me, who opened their arms and embraced me, who invited me to their homes, who fed me... who filled my heart with hope.

William Bridges in his book "Transitions" writes that, "We have to let go of the old thing before we can pick up the new- not just outwardly, but inwardly, where we keep our connections to the people and places that act as definitions of who we are."

Great comfort is easily found in resting in what we have always known. And as much as I would like a life of great comfort, I cannot grow and become all that I made to be while resting in the familiar. So I have slowly found myself, after a brief period of just managing through each day, letting go so that I am ready.

There are still things I am working through, but I am thankful for those who have loved me unconditionally as I continue to embrace my journey. I thank God every single day for the special collection of friends that I am blessed with and love. Especially the one who despite what I said, knew what was in my heart. Thank you.

It seems so inadequate, but thank you.

Now My Future Is Here

2011-10-19T13:22:00.000-07:00

Many, many years ago one of my dearest friends asked me a question I could not answer. He and I never dated as we were always involved with other people. Then he moved away and we wrote each other frequently. I remember opening up the mailbox each day holding my breath in great anticipation for a letter and almost always there was one. Our friendship grew and grew and we knew we could be great together.

Finally, the time came when he would be home and for the first time neither of us was dating anyone else. We went out for dinner and then ended up at another friend’s house for a movie. I remember sitting next to him on the couch with my heart pounding. At one point in the movie, he said “Sarah” and I turned to him and he kissed me for the first time. Years of wishing for this moment vanished.

When it was time to leave we walked in silence to the front door of the house and I grabbed the door handle. He pushed the door shut and sat down on a bench in the entryway. He took my hands and pulled me over to him. Resting his head on my belly, we just breathed in unison, the pounding of our heartbeats vibrating through the emptiness of the room. Eventually he looked up at me, our eyes locked, and he asked, “What do you want?”

I stood there paralyzed. A thousand thoughts running through my head, my heart telling me what to say, but as hard as I wanted to I could not find any words.

All I could do was shrug my shoulders. That was the end of what might have been.

I believe that everything in life happens for a reason. We may not understand the here and now of why, but it does. And in the end it all works out as it should.

My life has taken turns I never expected. I have been able to move past a lot of regret and hurt and look forward to whatever may come. I have gotten to know myself and my areas where I am weak. I have made a list of promises to myself that I will keep.

So, in a conversation recently someone asked me “What do you want?”

At first, this immediately took me back 15 years and the fear of verbalizing my answer started to overtake me.

But I fought through it, because we are only given this one life to live. I have dreams....hopes....wishes…desires….that I held back for one reason or another; often the root being fear; and I refuse now to succumb to fear and so “I replaced the fear of unknown with curiosity.”

And this time I was able to find my voice to put into words what I want. I embraced the moment with more certainty than I have had in a long, long time and felt the purest peace. This release of truth turning into one of the holiest of moments.

I know I am right where I should be. Past moments of what could have been or should have been or why didn’t it work are erased by what will be. Because I know with all that I am that “now my future is here.”

What Matters Most

2011-10-03T19:08:00.001-07:00

In my days as a stickler for routine, I was disciplined in not letting work interfere with home life.
Now, I must first admit that my priorities were wrong in a lot of areas, but I was good at leaving work at work.

Presently I am understaffed, need more grant money, have endless weeks of meetings, and have more and more clients that need services. I could work non-stop doing good work to help a majority of people... but.... well I choose not to. It would be at the expense of something greater.

Because when it comes down to it....
There will always be someone who needs something else.
More work to be done.
More money to be earned.
And there are some people who will take all that you are willing to give.

Sure I need to work to pay bills and put food on the table; and I am blessed with a job that I enjoy.

Yet I have seen that having the right priorities, somehow reaps benefits in those other areas that I choose not to give myself away in. Not always to the extent that I would like, but enough to make a difference.

Our world is full of people on the fast track to the next best thing. Be it money, or cars, or vacations, or another house. Sure, honestly I want it all too.......but it would cost more than I am willing to give.

The real truth is though, that I have already been blessed with more than I deserve. And at the end of the day what matters most to me.....are the three little blessings that remind me the truth of what.....

Joy is.....
and Grace is.....
and Love is.

Believing in Angels

2011-09-20T08:56:00.000-07:00

"Dinner time," I called after placing the garlic bread on the table. The girls came running from whatever they had been doing.

"Cass, what's in your mouth?" I ask. She opens up her lips and pulls out a shiny penny.

"Oh, Cass. You know you shouldn't put things like that in your mouth. You could end up swallowing it and choking."

We have dinner and Cass darts off to something. I call her back to remind her to take her plate to the kitchen and she slowly comes around the corner. Tears streaming down her very red cheeks.

"I....." she gasps....."swallow....." another gasp....."ed....." gasp....."the....." gasp....."penny."

My eyes fall out of my head in disbelief and I utter, "Really?" Knowing it was obvious she had and using this more as a moment to collect my disbelief and gain composure.

I notice from the corner of my eye that Laurel and Maddie are standing scared and worried.

"Maddie and Laurel keep talking to Cass and Cass keep talking to your sisters," I say as I grab the phone to call 911. I needed to hear her voice to know she was breathing.

I made my first phone call ever to 911.

I called Ben.

I called Mike and Dee.

I waited.

I got strapped in the gurney with Cass on my lap in the back of the ambulance. My first time ever riding in the back of ambulance.

Cass started breathing more normal during the ride and I started breathing in sync to her breaths. Holding my baby while praying and praying.

We got to the ER and eventually through the intake process. I knew Cass was feeling much better when the nurse was going through the intake questions and looked at Cass and said, "You don't smoke, do you?" And in typically spitfired Cass fashion she replies, "No, but I pretend I do."

And when she told the doctor she wouldn't swallow any more money "because her mom doesn't have any money."

And when she asked the x-ray tech if he saw tuna fish in her belly along with the penny.

I can laugh at this now.

Last night I was focused on what needed to be done. Holding back my emotions so that I remained calm and clear headed through it all.

This morning when I awoke I kissed and hugged Maddie and Laurel, who had climbed in bed with me in the middle of the night and squished me between them. They were terrific in the midst of the emergency. I thanked God for them.

I went to Cassidy's room and stared at this little girl, lying with her feet on the wall as she slept, and I cried tears of relief that she is okay. I thanked God for her.

Checking my phone I had numerous messages from friends asking how Cass was and asking how I was. I thought of my two dear friends who dropped their evening plans and came as soon as I called and asked, "How quick can you get here?" The paramedics, the nurses, the doctors.

So this morning, I paused...humbled...knowing that last night...well.. I believe in angels.

And I thanked God for each and every one of them.

Believing in Soon

2011-09-14T12:32:00.000-07:00

I am blessed with a wonderful memory. I am cursed with a wonderful memory. My ability to remember things is wonderful when they are pleasant and dreadful when they are not. The sad truth is that often I had not forgiven those things in the past so that I could move on.

Lately, I have spent a lot of time in thought--- praying, forgiving, letting go, accepting. I have come to realize that often our journey to get to where we are meant to be is rarely how we imagine. Our plans…. well that elicits enough laughter alone…planning… orchestrating… often leads to scheming to get to what we want; but not always to what we need or where we should be. We arrive only to realize we are still in search of something more.

Yet what I have started to realize is that when I embrace the here and now…starting each day as a tabula rasa…I am filled beyond the heart happiness that I can hold.

I cannot change the past, nor would I want to. It shapes part of who I am. I have said things I wish I had not said or hurt others when I wish I hadn’t, but good or bad, right or wrong, I have come to a point in my life when I have accepted my past for getting me to here. Seeking forgiveness where it was needed and taking the time to heal.

Now at the end of most days I marvel in the delights of my days. Thanking God for the holiness that comes from realizing His plans are far greater than my own; finding not only my needs, but my wants are abundantly overfilled. I no longer look at my journey as getting from point A to point B, but my journey is an extraordinary adventure of finding me.

So, this morning when I awoke I embraced the peace and joy that comes from knowing, feeling, seeing that his love for me is even greater than I can comprehend. I cannot say that I am able to start every day like this, but I have complete faith that one day I will. And I believe that that day is soon.

Taking Flight

2011-09-05T15:18:00.001-07:00

I sat on the beach today with my friends enjoying the holiness of the ocean. In front of us was a collected pool of water that offered a safe place away from the crashing waves.

I watched a little bird land in the water; his beak dipping in for sips of refreshment. A small wave of water rushed towards his little feet and I watched as it surprised him to flight. He landed on the sand and proceeded to walk away. Eventually taking off in flight for another place.

This reminded me of the collection of fabulous friends I have; many going through change.

Some are still stuck in the crashing of the waves, while others have managed to work their way to the pool of water....away from the crashing waves, yet still feeling the ebb and flow of their impact.

Change is hard. Yet life is full of it- sometimes good; sometimes not so good. We cannot control it. What we can do is offer a safe place to those we love for them to be.. to simply be. To laugh, to cry, to sing, to dance, to scream, to rest... until one day....

Until one day--we realize that they are ready... that we are ready--and have been surprised to flight.

I cannot look at birds without marveling at their ability to fly. The grace and ease at which they seem suspended in air is breathtaking.

So it is as equally as beautiful to watch others embrace change. Delighting as they realize their hopes are within reach and their dreams are becoming reality. They absolutely soar.

And it is beyond words when you realize you are the one that is taking flight.

Hope for a Better Day

2011-08-17T19:19:00.001-07:00

"What is it?" I heard my GED instructor ask a student.

"I just can't seem to understand it all," he replied in his monotone voice. "I keep reading and it just makes less and less sense. I am just stupid. I can't do it."

The instructor asked probing questions to find out what was behind this statement.

Sitting with my office door ajar I overheard all of this conversation and my heart sank when he said, "My dad, he always told me I was stupid. I just know I will never do it."

He wears this statement day after day. His head hangs down, he rarely looks you in the eye, and his voice is monotone. He looks like a personified Eeyore.

Despite the fact that he has improved four math levels and that his comprehension scores have increased, he feels stupid. No matter what we say to him, his belief about himself is forever bruised by his childhood.

"Well, I guess I will come back tomorrow," he said as he left, with his head hanging low.

I sat for awhile thinking of him. Sad that his view of himself is so tainted, most likely damaged, and he continues to self inflict more sorrow.

My day was filled with depressing moments- a conversation with an employee in which I lacked optimism, a miscommunication with someone else that resulted in becoming guarded, sharing in the death of another employee's family member, budget cuts, and an endless list of needs.

I was glad when the day was over.

And like my client, I will come back tomorrow. Clinging to the hope of a better day--For me, for him, for my staff, for all those that we serve.

Emerging

2011-08-10T06:41:00.000-07:00

I have three large blisters, a jammed thumb, skin ripped off my big toe, and my muscles ache. The truth is that I can't remember when the last time was that I was this sore, but felt so good.

In reality much of life is like this. Many times to get where we are suppose to be we must go through so pretty sore moments before emerging.

Change is hard. There is not a ten-step plan that we can check off as we progress. And we fight it. Rationalize it. Resist it. Ignore it. Try to flee.

Until one day we end up broken.

I know of a lady who, in her despair, took her beautiful new Pottery Barn porcelain pitcher and smashed it on the floor. Sounds crazy right? Angry and crying she then proceeded to glue it back together, piece by piece. Cutting her fingers on the broken pieces, getting her fingers stuck in the glue. She kept going until the pieces resembled a pitcher again.

Letting go of pain, forgiving others, forgiving herself, clinging to the grace of our Creator.

We can be broken. Shattered. Scattered. Yet, piece by piece, we are often picked up by others and held back together again. Slowly they help us regain the strength we need until what we are left with are hairline scars of what used to be.

Mended.

The blisters heal, you regain control, the skin grows back, and the soreness subsides. And you realize that you can't remember the last time you ever felt so good.

It is Well, It is Well With My Soul

2011-08-03T19:49:00.000-07:00

"When peace, like a river, attendeth my way, When sorrows like sea billows roll, Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say, It is well, it is well, with my soul."

So begins my favorite hymn.

I love to sing and will often sing along to whatever is on the radio. Yet several years ago I started to become really conflicted in worship while singing. So much that I would often not be able to sing certain songs without crying or even to the point where I could not sing the words. How can I stand there and sing "It is well with my soul," when it was not.

Sometimes singing turned into prayers--"Please, make it well with my soul."

Of course I was embarrassed to share this, so I often tried to hide it. Accepting the inner prompting of "what would others think?" as a negative. Hiding me.

What I have come to realize though is that often this is not exclusive to worship. Settling for accepting "what would others think," often leads to false happiness and dead dreams. Accepting the world we live in defined by self imposed boundaries often at the expense of ourselves.

God has designed each of us so intricately unique, so why should we become a cookie cutter image of someone else?

"One of the greatest joys in life is finding out who God made you to be, with all your personality quirks and loving it. Often when we arrive at adulthood, get married or settle into a career, we abandon parts of who we are. You might be a high-heeled girl or a flip-flop woman. Too often as we grow, we conform too much. Part of conformity is necessary to meet job requirements. Where we lose the wonder of who we are, though, is when we conform to be just like others because we are afraid to be different." (Shelia Walsh)

It is not about be bold or daring, self absorbed or vain, but finding true peace in seeing yourself as you are. Loving yourself so that you can in turn love others. Letting go of what you think the world needs and embracing your God given passions and desires and becoming alive.

It is a journey and I am choosing to grab on for the ride of my life. Moving closer and closer to the me that God made me to be. Accepting the bumps along the way, seeking forgiveness, crying out in despair, letting go, loving, discovering truth. Constantly resting in the peace that comes from understanding whatever my lot, it is undoubtedly well with my soul.

Finding My Norm

2011-08-02T09:11:00.000-07:00

“Norm!” everyone at the bar would exclaim, when he walked into Cheers. I remember watching this show as a kid thinking how cool it was that everyone always greeted Norm. Announcing his arrival; validating his existence.

I have searched for this similar belonging, wanting to “go where everybody knows my name,” only to but up my own boundaries when others got too close.

I have adapted myself to meet the expectations of others, or my own perceived expectations they had, only to realize that I still could not measure up.

I have thrown myself into countless good deeds, because it was the right thing to do.

I have given what I thought was needed; realizing I never truly listened to the need.

I have loved conditionally.

I have…. And my list could go on and on.

The truth is I have done some great things, but not always with the right heart motive. Only until I started to love myself as God does, albeit a fraction of how He does, was I able to truly grasp the belonging. I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Designed in His image. My quirks, my imperfections, often magnified as faults, were merely how I chose to view myself and my response to those often belittled who I was.

Embracing the journey of becoming me has resulted in recognizing the simple joy moments of each day. Finding that blessings abound and open to receiving the love that comes from seeing that there really are others who are truly “always glad you came.”

Why I Can't

2010-10-06T10:35:00.000-07:00

"Don't touch that!" I heard a woman exclaim as I sat in my office. "Don't touch that!" she said again. I got up from my chair and went to see what she was talking about. Our waiting room is pretty basic and there isn't much that I would consider not kid friendly.

As I peered around the door I was greeted with a red kool-aid stained lipped smile. She had to be about four. Half of her hair held neon bright colored bow barrettes holding braids in place. The other half was not braided and resembled much of what my hair looks like when I wake up in the morning. Her jean shorts fell off of her and her shirt was definitely a bib for her kool-aid.

Mom quickly replied "sorry" when she saw me and started to go into an explanation about her daughter touching things. I reached out and touched Mom's arm and said "no worries."

She looked at me and started to say something else and I assured her that all was well. "Well, when you have kids you'll know what I mean," she had to say as she looked me over.

I hesitated for a second as I stood there standing in a black business dress, with a gold necklace, rings, bracelet, and shiny heeled shoes. My hair styled and make-up just right. Really I felt fake as I presented an image of being perfectly put together.

"Actually..." I began to say. I wanted to tell her I do have three kids and I am just like any other parent, especially when out in public with my kids. That last night at mini golf my kids ran all over the course and threw their golf balls in the water and bushes. And my kids often bare their own food stained faces and clothes, but somehow I could not say this.

So instead I asked her how I could help her. She went into a sad, sad story and I helped her in every way that I could.

Often I try to be empathetic to those that we serve. Often I feel as though I fail. I remember during my first interview at UMI 11 years ago being told that "You can't save everyone." No I can't save everyone, but that does not mean I cannot try in every way that I can to help as many as I can. There are just too many people in this world who need help and are hurting and too many of us do nothing.

I am reminded of this daily.

And when I watch a little girl and her mom leave and the little girl turns around, looks at me with her deep brown eyes, one hand holding up her shorts and the other waving goodbye, I know I cannot stop trying to save everyone. I just can't.

Blessings of a Man

2010-10-06T10:34:00.001-07:00

A few months ago I met a man. He appeared in my office door wearing a brown short sleeve T-shirt tucked into his jeans, a brown belt, and mud stained work boots. He was clean-shaven and wore glasses. His eyes were light brown, almost mirroring his shirt.

He took a few steps into my office and I offered him a seat. He shook his head no instead choosing to stand with his right hand holding the back of the chair.

His left hand twitched a little as he starting talking to me. In the course of his dialog, I watched his left hand clench and release, clench and release, over and over. His right hand remained placed on the back of the chair, almost as though he needed the support.

I sat in silence as he story progressed from mildly upset to angry to angrier to hatred for the world. And then with his left hand he reached up and took his glasses off. Almost simultaneously his right hand reached up and he covered his eyes.

The silence in the room was deafening.

I watched as his mud stained work boots moved towards me and when he sat down in the chair I breathed. His shoulders sank as he rested his hands in his lap, left hand still clutching his glasses, and he looked at me as he began weeping.

"I am sorry," was all I could muster up to say. I could find no words that seemed sufficient and was too paralyzed to embrace him.

He looked defeated.

Over the last several months he became a regular visitor of mine, in the beginning he would come in to yell (and always later coming in to apologize), then he started stopping in just to say hello, and then he would come in and share his dreams with me.

I learned in the past few weeks that he is planning to leave. In the midst of all the bad it turns out that he actually had some good things happening to him. It took several years and lots of paperwork, but he is now able to be self sufficient and begin the adventure of working towards his dreams.

He stopped by on Monday to tell me he is leaving this week and wanted to show me the car he had bought. I watched as his eyes danced with excitement as he shared with me his story of purchasing his car. His joy was contagious.

After oohing and aahing over his car, he looked at me with his light brown eyes and said, "I wanted to make sure that I came to see you one last time. You have no idea how much you helped me. You are a blessing and I want you to know that."

For a moment we stood there staring at each other, comfortable in the silence, and our first conversation flashed through my mind. He hugged me goodbye and left. I watched him out of my office window as he crossed the street and got into his car.

And my eyes filled with tears and my heart was happy and I shouted to him, "No you are the blessing."

Pure Sweetness Moments

2010-10-06T10:33:00.001-07:00

I first heard the scuffing of feet before they caught my eye as they passed my table at the restaurant. An elderly couple was slowly making their way to the bathroom.

He supported her by holding her left hand and she assisted by using a cane with her right. I watched and snapped a photo because it is these pure sweetness moments that often take my breath away.

Shortly after Cassidy informed me, and half of the restaurant, that she had to go potty. So I took her.

He was sitting on the bench just outside the bathroom, waiting. Cassidy and I entered the bathroom and I immediately saw the woman sitting on the toilet, as her bathroom stall door hung half way open. Trying to avoid Cassidy commenting I quickly ushered her into the nearest stall.

As we were washing Cassidy's hands, the woman came out of the bathroom. I watch her left arm shake as she slowly moved her cane with her right hand. It took everything in me to stand there and not help her.

Finally she made her way to the sink next to us and set her cane down. She washed only her right hand. I placed a paper towel in her right hand and smiled. She quietly said "thank you" while scrunching up the paper towel in her right hand.

Cassidy and I turned to leave and I held the door for her. "Why are you doing that?" Cassidy asked me. "To be nice," I said. Her husband smiled at us and said "Thank you," as he stood up and took his wife's left hand in his.

I watched them as they walked out of the restaurant while thinking about their story--How did they meet?, did they have kids?, what happened to her left hand?-- but knowing that whatever their story contained, it surely contained love.

Thoughts on Love

2010-10-06T10:32:00.000-07:00

In July 1999 I was sitting next to Ben when he looked at me and told me he loved me for the first time. I stared into his eyes and replied, “There are a lot of kinds of love. What kind are you talking about?” Definitely not what he was hoping to hear.

C.S. Lewis, Dr. Gary Chapman, and others write about the different kinds of love and love languages. After reading such books I started to categorize and try to understand love. Sadly this over analyzing of emotion led me to minimalize love and miss giving and receiving it.

Today I look and see love all around. From the little girl who stopped to hug the crossing guard this morning to the man who I watched reach up and tuck a wisp of his lover’s stray hair back into place. From the secret glances across the restaurant from a couple who just started dating to the woman who shyly smiled and blushed after reading a text.

Small simple acts, yet so tender.

I admit I am a hopeless romantic and I may glorify the acts I spy, but it is much more exciting to view such moments through the lenses of love. It heightens the senses and makes such small gestures grand and more passionate and simply beautiful.

I am lucky to not only see love but to feel loved. From dancing in the moonlight to sticky kisses from my daughter. From a stranger embracing me to an unexpected message from a friend. Simple unplanned without expectation moments.

I think we get wrapped up in trying to find the narrowed down version of love we create that we miss the pure raw moments that surround us. Love is not something that fits neatly into a definition and that is what makes it so special.

Yes, there are still many kinds of love, but the greatest discovery lies in not understanding love, but seeing it, touching it, and sharing it ---daily.

Singing in the Rain to John

2010-10-06T10:31:00.000-07:00

“Happy Birthday John!” the male caller exclaimed. “I have waited so long to be able to say that to you!" The excitement loudly radiated from his voice that I almost jumped out of my chair and starting singing Happy Birthday.

As I sit in my office, door open, I often get the luxury of overhearing one side of many phone conversations. We provide the use of a telephone for specified purposes. Although those specified purposes often end up broken and I end up with daily entertainment. Today included the deep suave voice of the male caller asking, “Hey baby, how ya feeling after last night?”; the high pitch laughter of the female caller, “I can’t believe you hit him with a frying pan”; and the hushed sobering voice of a man to his mother, “Mom, please can you send me some money.”

It does amaze me what phone conversations people will hold in public. I never ask about their phone conversations, although judging from what I hear on my end his partner is feeling pretty good, hitting him with a frying pan was the right thing to do, and his mom is not going to send money.

But birthday boy John got me and I had to ask. And John, well he is “very, very happy, because Dad was able to call him this year---today, today on his birthday!”

My own excitement for Dad and John literally warmed my heart. Add that to my love of celebrating birthdays (well celebrating anything really) and I am compelled to follow the wonderfully wild idea that I have. So I am going to go outside, in the rain, and twirl and spin and sing Happy Birthday.

Happy birthday John! Happy Birthday to you!

Gratitude Reminders

2010-10-06T10:29:00.001-07:00

"Hey Miss Sarah,” his familiar voice echoed before he appeared in my door. Slipping my shoes back on my feet, I spin around in my chair to greet him. “It has been awhile Joseph,” I smile and say as I look him over. “You look good!” I say to my surprise and his, and he does. A buzz cut crowns his head and a littler more than stubble accents his pink colored lips. His eyes beam clear white and he skin is clean with a sun kissed glow. He looks good.

I question him about his seizures, and social security, and drinking, and medications. He smiles and answers about each topic. He then begins to tell me about the poison ivy he was recently exposed to. “You know I have moved Miss Sarah. I moved from living under the bridge to a tent. When I was clearing out my area I got the poison ivy.” I make the appropriate I am sorry face, when really I am covering up my own emotion.

He continues, “I have a nice tent, four sleeping bags, more clothes than I need, a coffee pot, and a solar shower. Oh yeah, coffee too.”

I smile and ask questions. I truly am interested and excited for him, yet in the back of my head I see the granite countertop kitchen with stainless steel appliances in the house I recently looked at.

I drift back to the conversation, as Joseph is explaining to me how his solar shower works. “And if you just heat about a gallon of water that is enough to keep the shower warm. I get wet, turn the shower off, soap up, turn the shower back on, and then rinse off.” Again my mind takes me out of the conversation to the burning hot shower I lingered in this morning.

Our conversation then turns toward the photos in my office and I can tell he is ready to leave. “Well Joseph, it seems like you have had a few good months. It is good to see you. Keep me updated,” I reply. “I will Miss Sarah,” I hear as he walks down the hall.

Gratitude reminders.

I will be the first to admit that I have been blessed with a lot in my life, but I have also worked hard, and learned some things the hard way, to be at this point in my life. Yet I will never take for granted all that I have.

Gratitude reminders. We all need them from time-to-time.

Thanks Joseph for my gratitude reminder today.

Losing My Religion

2010-03-04T06:17:00.000-08:00

I get frustrated when you ask someone about their beliefs and they rattle off what their denomination believes. I have done a lot of reading in the past few years to help discover what it is that I believe and to detox myself from denominational beliefs.

In my reading I recall someone mentioning that often Christians know more about what their denomination believes than what the Bible says. Perhaps they can state the 10 core beliefs of their denomination, but can they recite 10 Bible verses?

I am not saying we do not need help interpreting the Bible because we do, and I have sat in the midst of some great Bible teachers. But it bothers me when we start minimizing verses in the Bible to condemn others. We are told not to judge, lest we be judged, but how many times do we judge others.... even when they are sitting in the pew in front of us in church.

I have been judged because I wore jeans to help out in a children's program at a church. I have been judged because I am a mother who works full-time outside the home. I have been judged because I run on the Sabbath. I was judged because I had a belly ring. And I suppose I will be judged because I have a tattoo. And I have judged others.

I think the wake-up moment came to me when each Sunday I would stand in front of my closet and fret over what to wear to church-- It had to be a skirt or dress. Then one day it hit me... God does not care what I wear to church. God does not care if I have two earrings or five. God does not care if I have brown or pink hair. God does not care what my outward appearance looks like at all.

God wants me to have a relationship with Him. He looks at my heart.

I am not sure if what I said above makes any sense, but below is something that gets to the core of it for me.

(Written by D. Hall)

Religion is simply "a form of worship." Some confuse religion with Christianity. Christianity is not a religion; it is a relationship with God the Father through Jesus Christ the Son. God loves each and every one of us and is reaching out to us through His Son. (Heb. 1:1,2)

Once we believe and receive the Son of God, we are free to worship God any way we wish, within Godly parameters. James said that if we want "religion," a form of worship which is acceptable to God, go and take care of the orphans and widows. (James 1:27)

Jesus said, "For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him." ( John 3:17) Jesus Christ came to bring salvation to the unworthy, to sinners, and it is not based upon a person's religious denomination, theology, or good works. (1 Tim. 1:15; Isa. 64:6)

Some religious groups claim that salvation is exclusive with them, and only those in their religion will be saved. Truth is that God's salvation is available to all who come to Him. He excludes no one and He doesn't deal exclusively with one group, organization, or religion. He deals with individuals.

No religion has eternal life or salvation to give to anyone and there is not one word in the Bible which even implies that we can get eternal life through a religion or that we must go through a religion to get to God. During this era of grace, salvation is contingent on our relationship with God the Father and Jesus Christ the Son, and nothing else.

No one will be saved and receive eternal life without believing and receiving Jesus Christ. Jesus is the only WAY to God, He is the only TRUTH, and He is eternal LIFE. Jesus is, "the way, the truth, and the life." (John 14:6)

Change Has Found Me

2010-02-22T07:32:00.000-08:00

Ten years ago when we moved back to Houghton, NY I thought we would be here forever. I would have never guessed in college that I would return to Houghton. I always wanted to live near the beach. It took me awhile to come to terms with the fact that I would live in the country, 45 minutes from major restaurants, an hour and a half from a mall, no stoplights, one grocery store, no (besides Subway in recent years) chain restaurants. I never imagined that I would have goats as pets or raise chickens. I never imagined living in a place where you could leave your keys in the car and house unlocked. Where Dan the UPS man and Matt the mailman actually come inside your house to leave your mail/packages on your table.
In the last several years I began to accept that we would be in Houghton for the long haul. I felt that if Ben was content in his job, we would stay here. When my grant funded program ran out, I would simply find another job. I began to limit my faith in my abilities and settle. I also began to limit my Faith. In doing this, I lost part of me.
Then one day Ben came home and told me that when I look for my next job to look at what I want, where I want. He was willing to move for my job. This was something I never imagined him saying and (I am not sure why) I never suggested. (All of that is another story for some other time.)
Fast forward to the now. We are headed back to Savannah, GA in a few weeks where I will be vice president of Union Mission's Employment and Training Center. Union Mission provides shelter for homeless men, women, and families, short and long term housing assistance, health and dental care, behavioral counseling, substance abuse programs, lifeskills training, job training; and employment assistance. I worked at UMI in 99-00 and have always yearned to return.
I have worked with some great people in the last 10 years, but none compare to my boss at Union Mission- and I don't just say this now, I have said it throughout the years. I have never worked with someone as passionate, bold, fair, honest, visionary, and unique as Mike. I cannot think of any other president/CEO I would say this to outright or about, but I love the man. He inspires others simply by being himself.
This move is more than just a change in geographic location for me. I have regained my zest for life. I feel more alive, bold, confident, and exhilarated than I have in a long time. I have trusted more in God and explored my Faith on much deeper levels than before. I have dared to dream and have found a greater reality than in my dreams.
I cannot discredit the 10 years we spent in Houghton. I believe that for that time we were suppose to be here. I am just glad that we both knew when it was time to explore what's next. I think fear often hinders us in even thinking "what if?"
But when we let go of fear and embrace the possibilities, we may find something even greater-- I was able to find me again. And it feels great, really great, to be so alive.

Thoughts on Grandma

2010-02-02T16:46:00.000-08:00

My grandmother passed away today. Sadly the last time I saw her was at Pop's funeral in 1995. Soon after he passed away she moved to Hawaii to be closer to two of her children and her youngest grandchildren. I have thought about her often in the past, but somehow never connected with her personally again. No excuse makes the lost connection right.

So when this news came today, I felt. For our lives are filled with relationships and regardless of the length of time or if they are current or past, they all leave us feeling something. The complexity of feelings is often hard to explain, but we know we feel something, which is where I am today.

There are many interesting stories surrounding my Grandma’s life that I do not dare try to figure out what is fact or fiction. Instead I’ll focus on what I knew.

When I think of Grandma, I smell coffee. I can remember walking into their farmhouse and it smelled like coffee.

I can also remember writing something while at her house and her telling me to write it again… slower and neater…… sadly I still have sloppy handwriting.

I remember the red and white lottery cards she would give us to fill out each time we visited. We would get to choose our favorite numbers and fill in the little circles on the card so Pop could take them to the store.

I remember her huge ornate antique beds that I would get to sleep in when we spent the night. You had to have a running start to jump up into the bed and you were engulfed in fluffy softness when you landed. I remember pretending I was a princess.

I remember her house filled with antique couches, chairs, desks, tables and a player piano. Treasures that I never really saw as unique, but now wish I had. I remember her visiting once and saying how my cousin made her listen to “Pour Some Sugar on Me” by Def Leppard on the way to our house. And I remember her telling me…”You know that song is really not talking about sugar, right?”

I remember she completed her GED in her 60s.

I remember visiting her while Pop was in his last stages of cancer and painting her toenails for her.

I remember hugging her at Pop’s funeral without realizing that would be our last goodbye.

As 2010 approached I vowed to really live this year without regrets, letting fear not hold me back from asking, moving forward, or trying. I promised myself that I would intentionally show others I loved them whether through words, actions, or deeds. With Grandma’s passing today I am even more aware that I need to not be afraid to let someone know I care--whether this is through listening, crying with someone because they are hurting, embracing someone because they need to be touched, saying what needs to be said, laughing, dancing, singing, smiling, shouting, calling or writing.

I will love abundantly, seek to bring joy to others, and offer grace where I can.

Living

2010-01-07T09:35:00.000-08:00

Live. I think for many of us we think we are living, but what I have discovered lately is that often we become complacent in the safety of our lives that we forget to really live. I have always been a pretty positive person, but somewhere along the line, I started to become too practical. "We can't do that... because..." became more and more my response. Perhaps it was out of fear of embarrassment or lack of immediate resources, but my endless field of dreams started shrinking. Due to no specific set of circumstances I began to realize that living had become a checklist of daily routines and that needed to change.

Reflection. I have spent a lot of time reflecting on my life and have uncovered some "beliefs" I developed. I am not sure where these "beliefs" came from but I realized I am working hard so that one day I can retire and travel or learn a new hobby, that my daughters will have a better childhood because I am raising them in the country, that my marriage will be better because I live in a small "Christian" town, and that living a life of purpose means settling in comfort. I began to realize that these "beliefs" were faulty and also needed to change.

Change. I am uncertain as to what my future holds and yet I find myself gearing up for the adventure. Retirement will come someday, but I am not waiting until then to travel or learn a new hobby. And my daughters will have a great childhood because of the way they were raised and loved. And my marriage will be strong because I worked at it. I am not bound by fear of practicality or stifled by routine. I am ready to be challenged, uncomforted, and used for whatever God has in mind.

For I believe that in really living we can embrace our passions and find the true nature of who we were made to be.

Friday's Five

2009-12-11T16:41:00.000-08:00

Often we tend to forget the good that happens each day. In an effort to combat this, I am going to start a weekly post- Friday's Five. This will (hopefully) help me take time to remember how truly blessed I am.

So today I am thankful for:
1.Matt Pelletier and the college student who pushed my car up the hill when I got stuck in the snow.
2. Coming home to a warm house thanks to the fabulous fire that Ben built.
3. Daughters who want to sleep together, set up their "room" for the night, get ready for bed, and tell us we don't need to come in to do devotions, that they have their own Bible in the room. And then hearing Maddie read devotions to her younger sisters.
4. Friends who send me an e-mail just to see how I am doing... and knowing they really care. Thanks Angela!
5. A God who supplies all my needs long before I even know they exist.

Next Time

2009-11-25T18:01:00.000-08:00

Today I went out to pick up a few things from the food store and a man in line, around 60, was talking to the woman behind him. It was obvious they knew each other. The woman asked the man about his plans for Thanksgiving and he said that he did not know yet what he was doing. She giggly teased him about not getting invited to someone's house (in general). He, in a more serious tone, said that indeed he had not been invited yet. He commented that perhaps he would find his invitation at The Hotel (a local bar) tonight.
I was sure that the woman would end up extending an invitation to the man... a simple... well you are always welcome at our house... but she did not.
I seriously thought about inviting him to our Thanksgiving. Even after I left I almost went back into the store to invite him... but I did not.
I could list reason after reason that I should not have invited him, but I will be reminded tomorrow of why I should have. For when I am surrounded by a table full of too much food and a family to share it with, he may be alone.
And that bothers me!

Often we choose to say nothing because it is easier and safer.
Often we choose to stand on the sidelines because joining in may be too painful.
Often we choose to pass by because stopping holds uncertainty.
Often we choose to pray for someone else yet fear being inconvenienced.*
Often we choose wrong.

So next time I am asking. Because the feeling you get from being the crazy stranger in the line to show kindness is much better than regret.

*Which do you pray: "God comfort the heartbroken family?" or "God use me to bring comfort to that family?"

In Processing

2009-10-16T11:56:00.000-07:00

I have spent much time "in processing." Our foster children moved to a new foster home at the end of September and I have spent the past few weeks trying to settle back into normal. Over the course of the last 3 years, we have had different people live in our house that being just the 5 of us has not happened for awhile.
The experience of foster parenting was wild! I think I need more time before I can fully reflect on everything. There are things that I may never be able to say and yet so much I will need to share. What a journey.
I say that I am in detox now (not that I have firsthand experience in that), but going from a whirlwind high, nonstop, constant loud, always on mindset and day to quiet and reflection, has caused an emotional and physical letdown.
No matter where I end up in my processing, my greatest wish is that I was able to give the kids hope: That they felt loved, that they saw a different way of life, and that they felt safety and peace.

Change of Events

2009-07-15T10:13:00.000-07:00

So... a big change of events. Things were finally moving forward with the 4 sisters we were hoping to adopt.... and then suddenly there was roadblock after roadblock. One night as we were complaining about the process, I made the comment that I just wanted someone to call us and tell us that had kids that needed a home. Not five minutes passed and the phone rang.... there were 4 kids that needed a place to stay for a little while. I was speechless. So for the past few weeks we have had 7 children. Since I am at work, Ben is the primary caregiver during the day. I could not be married to a more amazing man!

Timing

2009-06-25T16:37:00.000-07:00

Adopting is a very emotional journey. Things seem to be at a standstill for us, but I trying to trust in God's timing. It is so easy to say I am trusting Him, but so much harder to live that out! I know that eventually we will meet our new child(ren) but I long to have them home yesterday. Since I can see God's hand in getting us to this point, I have full confidence that He will bless us with another child(ren). I just wish we could know when and who and how many.

Large Family Discovery

2009-05-13T18:04:00.000-07:00

In the hope that we will become a "large family," with the adoption of a sibling group of 4 girls, I have been researching large families on the Internet. I have found some fascinating parents blogging about daily life. Dorothy from Urban Servant (http://urbanservant.blogspot.com/), a mother of 10 children, responded to a question from someone considering adopting and I love her answer...
"I don't struggle with the question of begin able to parent these kids in my own strength any more. I am 100% sure that I can't. I have a bad temper, a selfish nature, I am prone to pity parties and I don't even like babies! That being said, I trust that the God who called me to live a life that is so different from what I expected won't leave me adrift and alone. You are right to wonder about love. Love isn't enough (though it is an essential thing) I think that more than the feeling of love - commitment is the thing that holds the family together on the hard days. We are committed. Come horrible days and sleepless nights I don't have to 'feel' love for my children, but I must be committed to living their lives with them 24/7 and suffering with them as they face their own challenges. Adding that to the rock solid assurance that God, not me, built this family, I can face the next thing without thinking about failure or plotting ways to escape.Adopting special needs kids is a family commitment and not something that a college education really helps with. As the parent or foster parent to a kid with challenges you know you will become the expert advocate for them. Thank God for the Internet and Google!You have a heart of compassion for those without families. As I type I am praying that God would show you what part of the adoption circle you are are being drawn toward. Adoption, foster, advocate, outreach, respite care, prayer partner or something else.....every piece of the cycle is important. Finding your place in it can be so much fun!"

I love her answer! Love it!

A Challenge

2009-05-03T17:06:00.000-07:00

Found this anonymous quote and I cannot get it out of my mind.
"Sometimes I would like to ask God why He allows poverty, suffering, and injustice when He could do something about it."
"Well, why don't you ask Him?"
"Because I'm afraid He would ask me the same question."

Enjoy Today

2009-04-04T12:30:00.001-07:00

Since our homestudy was complete we have spent hours searching for our son or daughter. We have had our homestudy sent in to be considered for about 5 children and now wait. Ben and I are having a hard time being patient--It is hard not knowing if we will be matched with any of these children. I can say that I am trusting God and I am, but I also want the answers now, which really contradicts the trust part.
Additionally, I have been thinking a lot about how I want the next step to be here and am forgetting to enjoy the blessings I am surrounded with. I want to meet our new son or daughter, yet often rush my girls through things so that I can get to the next thing. I am forgetting to enjoy our family as it is now because I am focused on what it is going to be like with the addition to our family. I am not saying it is not good to think and plan ahead, but in planning ahead I miss the life of today.
In the front of my Bible I have the words to the song Day by Day written on the cover. This line really comes to mind tonight: "He whose heart is kind beyond all measure, gives unto each day what he deems best."
So I try to plan and be excited about what the future holds, while remembering to enjoy that which God has blessed me with today.

An Identified Family

2009-02-03T14:19:00.000-08:00

So today, in a sense, it officially begins. We received our final homestudy report. As I write this I am crying tears of joy and sadness. It is so unreal to me to actually be at this point. Since middle school I wanted to adopt. It is so hard to explain, but it is just something I have always known I would do. Imagine my surprise when Ben and I talked about this for the first time in 1999 and this was not something he wanted to do. I told him that I would not nag him about changing his mind. I told him that I would pray about it and if it is something he would ever consider doing then we would proceed. Oh that was hard to let it be.
It was not until 2006 that we talked about this again. It was a friend of mind who was going through adoption that opened us this door for us. I remember telling Ben about this situation and his response being totally different than I expected. Our original discussion ended up that we would consider adoption sometime in the future, but only of an infant. I inquired of a local adoption agency to see what was involved and what the cost were. We were not ready yet to proceed.
In the summer of 2008 we really thought we were not going to have a homestay student and started talking about what to do with the extra bedroom. Adoption came up again and I started looking at the children waiting for a forever family photolistings. I can never look through these listings without my heart breaking for so many kids that need a family. I showed Ben a few of these and we decided we were ready to seriously think about adopting. But I knew we had to be on the same page about this and I said to Ben that I did not want an infant and he felt the same way. We talked more and were completely on the same page about this.... well maybe not everything... as I would adopt like 6 kids and Ben 1 or 2.
We talked with our good friend Angela and it just so happened that the local foster care classes were starting in a week. We decided to proceed and go through this training as we would like to adopt through the foster care system.
So to be at this point where essentially we are being considered as parents for a child(ren) is so unreal to me. I pray for patience as we wait to hear about our inquiries, for wisdom as our file is reviewed for specific children, for guidance as we are presented with possibilities, and for peace as we do not proceed or are not "chosen" for a child.
And here is the sadness part... I pray that for every child that we cannot provide a home for, that someone else will. It makes me so sad to think of children going through life without a forever family. I know that we are not the right parents for every child, but I also strongly believe that somewhere there is- there is the right parent(s) for each child. So I pray for those connections to be made. One quote that I really like is "There are no unwanted children; just unidentified families." I so look forward to the day when we are one less unidentified family.

Wny not me?

2009-01-16T18:12:00.000-08:00

For the past 14 weeks we have been dealing with Ben's Achilles. And it really is we. The lows have outweighed the up times during this ordeal. I have sat staring at nothingness for hours, to tired to move and frozen in depression.
As I sat looking through my "journal" I found this quote from The Fred Factor by Mark Sanborn.... "Why not me? I have faith and I am tough. I can take it." I do not remember the exact story surrounding this, but do recall the woman was facing some sort of illness and when others sympathetically looked at her this was her response.
I admit I had zero grace the first time around. Poor Ben on bed rest was suffering enough, yet I only inflicted more guilt on him. Sure I did it all, but not without complaining.
So when we learned of the third infection I questioned God... surely He knew I lacked grace, patience and stamina to do it all again.... but here I am...
So I am in the battle to not let this infection consume our life and not to fall into a state of hopelessness.
Perhaps I will even have some grace.
So, with some trepidation, I say.... "Why not me? I have faith and I am tough. I can take it."

For Now, My Little One

2008-12-25T19:21:00.001-08:00

As I awoke to the pitter-patter of 6 little feet, I could not help but think about you. I do not know where you are, but I wonder about you every day.
This morning was hard as I watched you sisters open up (probably too many) Christmas gifts and I wondered what your morning was like. Did you celebrate Christmas? Did you have a tree? Did you receive any presents? Did you know the story of Jesus' birth?
I want you to know that not a single day goes by that I do not wonder about you. I wonder what you look like, what you like to play, what your favorite food is, what is your favorite color, what does your laugh sound like, do you like to sleep with a nightlight on? Oh so much of this is meaningless, but I still wonder.
There is so much that I cannot wait to share with you. I cannot wait to see what dynamic you bring to our family. I cannot wait to provide you with unconditional love and security.
I do not know where you are coming from or when we will meet you, but I am ready to walk beside you (and carry you if necessary) through whatever lies ahead.
You are loved beyond measure.
And so tonight, as always, I send you hugs and kisses and I pray that you are protected by His angels.
For now, my little one, goodnight.

No More Just Motions

2008-12-23T16:48:00.000-08:00

It has been awhile since I have posted, I know. There is so much that I have been thinking lately and I have not had much time to write.
I am realizing that they way I want to be is not the way I am. The life that I want to have is not the one I am living. More importantly I wonder if it lines up with what God wants for me.
I started the year off feeling so close to God and loved, loved the feeling that he was right beside me... that I could turn and talk to Him any time (and I did) and He was right there. I felt truly in His presence and in relationship with Him. But somewhere along the line I let our relationship go.
I know God is still standing beside me, I see Him daily as I am surrounded by His blessings, yet I have let this relationship become one-sided. I have not invested into our relationship lately.
So as I look forward to the close of one year and the beginning of another I seek to stop going through the motions and live.
One of my new favorite songs is The Motions by Matthew West-
"This might hurt, It's not safe, but I know that I've gotta make a change, I don't care if I break, at least I'll be feeling something, 'cause just ok is not enough. Help me fight through the nothingness of life, I don't wanna go through the motions, I don't wanna go one more day without your all consuming passion inside of me. I don't want to spend my whole life asking- What if I had given everything? Instead of going through the motions."
I desire to be the Sarah that God wants me to be. I desire to feel truly in His presence and fulfilling His purpose for me in this life. I desire to live. Truly living in each day.

Peace. Soon. Please

2008-11-10T07:25:00.000-08:00

I am searching for peace in this mess with Ben's infections. (Sadly Ben's Achilles tendon surgery has resulted in two infections, medications, and bed rest.) I was chatting with a good friend last night and she mentioned Job. Even more so, I cannot imagine how he managed through all of his trials.
I feel so far from peace. I really do feel like Jesus is right next to me yet I cannot reach him. I suppose I could be inflicting this on myself, but I feel removed. That there is this barrier between us. I know we are surrounded in prayer and love, yet I feel distant from the Comforter.
I tried to sing praises in church, yet all I could do was cry.
I am broken. I want to be strong, have confidence that He is in control, and able to accept the recovery period with grace, yet I am empty.
So please, God, please send me peace. soon. please.

I've been tagged

2008-10-19T17:36:00.000-07:00

I have been tagged by kiley. The rules are 1. link to the person that tagged you and post the rules on your blog 2. Share 7 random/weird facts about yourself 3. Tag 7 random people at the end of your post and include links to their blogs 4. Let each person they know they have been tagged by leaving a comment on their blog.

My 7 facts:
1. I am an occassional vegetarian. I was a vegetarian for 5 years in high school and now again since January. I was reading Leviticus for devotions during lunch and the animal sacrifices really got to me. Now I cannot eat meat without feeling sick.

2. I am part Arabian. Sometimes I really think that I must have an oil field in my family.

3. I love to travel but always feel queasy when flying. This was not so bad before I was pregnant.

4. I do not like heights, yet want to go skydiving. I can handle heights as long as I am not looking down.

5. I always wanted to live near a beach. After college I lived a half an hour from the beach/ocean and never had time to go there. Now I dream of living near the beach again.

6. I love to sing and dance. I try not to let the fact that I am not that great at either keep me from singing and dancing.

7. I constantly wonder how I am doing as a mother and will my girls turn out okay. It was comforting to read the other day in Maddie's journal that "If she were a superstar, her
name would be Sarah." I just hope she was referring to me.

I am tagging Amanda, Anne, Jen, Mary, Tiffany, Jen and Kathy. I will put the rest of the links in later.

The Voice of a Deaf Man

2008-10-08T06:38:00.000-07:00

(A true story from 2000)

I had just left Wal-Mart and was going over my to-do list in my mind as I got into my car. Suddenly there was a knock on my window and I looked up to see a very scraggly looking man with his face pressed to my window. I was not sure whether to start the car and get out of there as soon as possible, since I was alone, or to roll down the window and see what he wanted.

In the split second I was debating what to do he held up a card and pointed to it. On the one side it said, “Pardon Me, I am deaf. Selling these for my living. Pay any price you will. Thank you.”

I shook my head no and watched as he turned around to leave. He walked with a slight limp and went up to the next person he could find. At the time I worked in a program to end homelessness and knew that many people tried to collect money to buy alcohol and drugs. I did not want to contribute if this was his agenda.

Had he asked for a coat, socks, or something else material I gladly would have given it to him, but I was hesitant giving money. I started my car and proceeded to head out of the parking lot when I was suddenly struck with guilt. We are reminded over and over again in the Bible to help those less fortunate, to not turn away another in need. Even though I was unsure what he would do with the money, I was reminded that giving is not about what I want or expect the receiver to do with the gift.

I decided to turn the car around and try and catch this man in the parking lot. I got out some money, rolled down my window and started driving up and down the rows of parked cars. Sticking my head out the window I started yelling, “hey” as I drove around beeping my horn like a maniac. I did get me some questioning looks from others, but continued my quest. And as my frustration rose and I was about to give up, I had to remember he was deaf and perhaps really could not hear all my racket.

I laughed at myself and finally parked the car and decided to walk over to him. I finally caught up to him, handed him some money, and smiled. He smiled back in response and nodded as he handed me a card like the one he had shown me at first. He signed thank you as I walked back to my car.

I laughed on the way home replaying the event in my mind. I must have looked like a crazy woman trying to chase this man down in the parking lot, but the feeling of guilt had subsided. I am not sure what happened to that man or what my money was used for, but I do know that this experience has helped me to not be so quick to dismiss others in need, no matter what they are asking for. And to this day I carry my “I am deaf. Selling these for my living” card in my wallet as a reminder.

Trust and Obey

2008-09-26T10:31:00.001-07:00

Recently I had the revelation that I am not really trusting God. There is a situation right now that has been draining me (emotionally and physically) for weeks and I thought I had given it to God...
Today though I realized that I am not trusting God. I cannot say I ever really heard the voice of God as one would hear someone speak, but I sensed today that I am not trusting Him. I felt God saying to me, "Just trust Me," and I responded,"But I am." And he impressed on me , "No, you are not." And then I could almost see him standing there in my kitchen, with his hands stretched out in front of him, palms up as if reaching to take my burden, tenderly looking at me with his eyes reflecting my sadness saying, "Trust me." And I knew that I had not trusted Him. I have not really sought his comfort, direction and love.
I need to trust Him.

"But we never can prove, The delights of His love, Until all on the altar we lay; For the favor He shows, and the joy He bestows, Are for them who will trust and obey.... Trust and obey for there's no other way, To be happy in Jesus, but to trust and obey."

Interpretation

2008-09-16T08:06:00.000-07:00

Stress! Things have been rough the past few weeks and no matter how hard I try to have a positive attitude, my days still ends stressful. I think it is like Pavlov's classical conditioning--- even now hearing a person's name immediately brings me stress, a CR or conditioned response. Thankfully this is not everyday. And boy do I really look forward to those days.
Other the other hand I keep reminding myself that I do believe that the will of God will not lead you, where the grace of God cannot keep you. I just am trying to make sure that I am interpreting the will of God correctly.

Literally

2008-09-09T08:35:00.000-07:00

The other day Cassidy asked for a napkin to wipe her face. She proceeded to wipe her face and I told her she needed to "wipe the other side." She took the napkin and tried to wipe her bottom.
Sometimes I forget she is (almost) 2 and takes things literally.

Exploring Adoption

2008-09-04T06:52:00.000-07:00

We have officially started exploring adoption! This is an exciting and scary time for us. Adoption is something I have always felt called to do and we have both come to a point where we are ready to really consider adopting. The girls are very excited about the idea of welcoming a new brother or sister into our home.
It is strange to me to think that somewhere in our world is a little child waiting for a family and that we may be that family.
I ask for you to pray for us when we come to mind. Pray as we fill out all the paperwork and journey through this process, pray that we will sense God's leading and hear him clearly, pray for our teachers, social workers, and everyone involved in working with us, and pray for our son or daughter who does not yet know we love them.

Finding Me Again

2008-08-11T11:46:00.000-07:00

I was looking back at the books I read over the past year and noticed a trend--- most were books on how to be a better mom, how to be a better wife, how to be better at time management, how to be a better Christian, etc. Now I am all for self-betterment (I doubt that is a word, but I like it), but when my stack of how to be better books was significantly larger than my reading for enjoyment pile, I got a little worried. Did I really view myself as needing that much betterment?
I have this mental list of things that I know I need to and have been trying to work on, but lately I have been realizing that perhaps my view of me is clouded too much but what I am not, than what I am.
And so now I am starting to become comfortable in my own skin. I am not completely abandoning my betterment list, just balancing the negatives with double the amount of positives and embracing (what I see as) my imperfections not as imperfect parts of me, but as who I am.
Somewhere between college, marriage and now, I had some tainted views of what I thought a wife, mother, etc. should be and how they should act. Instead of being Sarah as a wife or Sarah as a mother, I tried to be Sarah as the Perfect Wife, Sarah as the Perfect Mother and this led to not being Sarah.
I remember Ben once saying to me that he missed the old Sarah. He has no idea how much that comment has played over and over again in my mind. It has just taken me much longer to realize I missed her too.
So now I stand here feeling like I am no longer looking at my naked self through a magnifying glass, but looking at myself through eyes that have just looked directly into the sun- Seeing a blotch of shadowy imperfections yet knowing that my eyes will readjust and I will see myself again.

A Vacation from Vacation

2008-07-28T13:21:00.001-07:00

So I just got back from a week of vacation. On my vacation I spent one day traveling to our destination, one day at the Bronx Zoo, one day traveling to Allentown to visit my grandfather, one day in NYC, one day at Seaside Heights beach and one day traveling home. It was a wonderful and fun time, but a vacation???
Traveling with 3 girls- 6,4, and 20 months- is enough to drive the most calm person a little nuts and I am far from calm. Thankfully the girls were actually almost angelic on the ride to and from home.
So I took an extra day off work to rest. On this day I unpacked everyone, cleaned the house, cleaned the car and went to the food store.
The nice thing about our vacation was that Ben was able to get many house projects finished while we were away. So while I did not have a "vacation" it is so nice to look around and see the dining room door trimmed, our bedroom project complete--- cleaning out the mold, removing the carpet and part of the wall, fixing the wall, putting in laminate flooring, the porch columns completed and all white, and the many other things that Ben finished up.
I think we both now need a real vacation.

An Arabian Princess

2008-07-15T19:44:00.000-07:00

Somewhere in my childhood land of make believe I was an Arabian Princess. It all started with my fifth grade English project on writing a family story. It also helps that my name- Sarah- means princess. Below you will see the actual story taken from my fifth grade paper (as I wrote it exactly in fifth grade)....
"My grandfather lived in Arabia on the Desert. He lived in a tribe named Saah. He wanted to come to America. The people on Ellis Island said he was not allowed to be an immigrant. On the way back to his home he jumped off the ship and swam ashore to texas. He became a big business man. My grandfather who told me about this had two last names. one was Elias and the other was the tribal name Saah. Elias was the name my great grandfather used when he came to America."
Honestly, it still is fun sometimes to picture myself dressed in elaborate silk clothing and jewels riding a camel surrounded by an entourage of men who jump at my command.
Surely to others this is something that they would never see. For too many times we do not share our stories, true or not, for fear of what others would think.
I thought about this more as I sat and listened to others talk about my grandmother at her funeral, it was so interesting to see her through another's eyes. For what she was to me was so narrowed in my own perception of who I thought she was.
It makes me wonder how many times I have not really seen others as they were or are or sometimes wish to be. My hope is that I try to not let my perception of someone, hinder them from being themself.

It is well with my soul

2008-07-09T12:48:00.000-07:00

Today my grandmother entered into the presence of her Heavenly Father. It also happens to be my mom's birthday, and it was her mother who passed.
I search for comfort, looking to my Lord silently singing...."When peace like a river attendeth my soul, when sorrows like sea billows roll, whatever my lot, Thou hast taught me to say, It is well, it is well with my soul."
Oh I wish those words could only help the ache go away. For I cling to the hope and promise that I will be able to rest in the knowledge that it really is well with my soul.
I have carried a card around in my Bible that we received when Pop passed away in 1995. " A rose once grew where all could see, sheltered beside a garden wall, And, as the days passed swiftly by, it spread its branches, straight and tall... One day a beam of light shone through a crevice that had opened wide--- The rose bent gently towards its warmth then passed beyond to the other side.... Now, you who deeply feel its loss, be comforted--- the rose blooms there--- Its beauty even greater now nurtured by God's own loving care."
Oh God, thank you for allowing us to be blessed with Grandma for so many years. Thank you for sustaining her through trials and never letting her faith waver. Thank you for loving her more than we ever could. Thank you for ending her pain and welcoming her home. Thank you for loving me and hearing my cry in sorrow.

Riding with Jesus

2008-07-08T08:09:00.000-07:00

As my grandmother sits waiting to dance in the arms of her Heavenly Father, I have been thinking a lot. What is it like to know that your journey on earth is nearing completion? Does one even comprehend the final moments?
I think many of us, especially when someone near us is dying, tend to think about our own lives more. I already have a list of things I would like to do in life--- some small, some big. And thankfully I have been blessed with a wonderful husband and friends who join me in my adventures.
As a mom of 3 girls I tend to get wrapped up in their adventures, which is great, but I also need to embrace my dreams. I am not advocating one neglect being a mother/wife to pursue their own dreams, but I do think we often place our dreams on a back burner too often. And before we know it time is gone.
I can remember my Grandma telling me years ago how she wanted to ride a motorcycle with a white scarf blowing in the wind. She might have been joking, but I remember the smile on her face and the light in her eyes as she talked. What is it that holds us back? Why do we wish and let time pass by?
Grandma, may you pass without regrets, may you know you are surrounded in love, and may you enjoy your motorcycle ride with Jesus with your white scarf blowing in the wind.