Feeling Faith

I am married to a dreamer, who lived in the same place 30 years.

He is married to a doer with a natural wanderlust.

Perhaps because of my gypsy lineage, perhaps because I moved about every 5 years growing up.

Regardless, the sense to discover and explore, overwhelms my soul.

If circumstances were different, I would jump on a plane with my husband and kids and give them an hands-on education.

Because that’s not possible, we are adapting.

Oh, and the fact that our financial situation hinders us. 

For five years we have literally lived by faith that it would all work out.

That’s not completely true- we tried to live by faith.

That meant lots of doubt, questioning, crying why us?

It felt that no matter how hard we tried to make things right, it all still went wrong.

I began to become depressed. 

This was not the life I imagined.

This was not what I wanted for my kids.

I was living on an island, with the beach just around the corner, but literally giving every penny I had to be there.

Something had to change!

Thankfully my husband agreed. 

To get to where we wanted to be (financially and eventually geographically) we had to move.

I was over-concerned with my husband moving for the first time in 30 years, but he seems okay. 

He’s even uttered that he is falling in love with the house we rented.

My girls love it.

We are close to their friends, their schools and their activities.

I am less stressed and find simple joy.

Everything is not fixed, nor are we yet where we want to be financially, but there’s movement forward.

Putting action behind our goals and dreams.

Sometimes to get where we want to be, we must give up the things we think we need. 

The comfort of security of what we’ve always known.

I can’t tell you how many people thought Micheal would spontaneously combust moving off of Tybee.

But It’s a joy to watch him discover new routines.

To talk about all the places we want to visit and know that within a year we will be able to start checking places off that list.

I believe that sometimes we remain in our dire situations because we choose too not take action.

If we keep trying the same things and it doesn’t work, perhaps that’s because we are not suppose to be there.

If your soul burns so passionately for something, you’ll find a way.

Maybe not at all as you thought.

But you’ll get there.

It’s just a matter of when you are really ready to put action behind I just can’t do this anymore.

For the first time in a very long time I feel faith.

As if God is celebrating with us and clapping in joy saying "finally!"

You stubborn girl.... finally.

What Would be My Christmas Letter

The journal in the picture was gifted to me in February 2016 just after my miscarriage as a way to help me work through the emotions of that loss.

The pages remain blank, because later that week, we discovered something else was going on with me physically.

After many months of ups and downs, that something else resulted in our rainbow blessing of Clare Hope Elliott- CHE.

So I have struggled to write in the pages to the child that Micheal and I lost.

Without the loss, we would not have our CHE.

So I have some emotions stuck between grief and extreme delight.

Over the last year, I learned that life is full of these vast extremes that leave us slingshoting in emotions.

After the blessing of our daughter, Mike's job was cut.

Then my job was cut.

Then we got a lawsuit from his ex-wife.

Then a hurricane hit and we lost 1,000 sq ft of our home to 2 feet of water.

And bad things just seemed to pepper our life daily.

Micheal and I would cry, a lot.

What had we done to deserve this!

Why? Why? Why?

Where was God?

I had some time to think this past week and reflect back on this year.

And what I discovered is God.

In the hands of those that stopped by and said here I made you dinner.

In the mind of those that gave us advice to navigate the muddy waters of the legal system.

In the heart of those that gifted us in still unspeakable ways to help us financially.

In the soul of those who just listened.

In the eyes of those who saw what we needed before we did and made things happen.

Sometimes we have to be removed from where we are to see what was there.

We lost, a lot.

And yet, it was all taken care of.

And we didn't deserve that either.

I have been staring at this journal for the past few weeks and feel it is time to start writing.

Not to our other child.

But to what I am creating in my life today.

I cannot truly say I am thankful for all we had to endure, yet.

My human processing of emotions still gets stuck in a few places of despair.

But I am still wordless at the kindness of those who acted on our needs.

Today would look a lot different if not for those that helped.

So my 2018, will be centered around one small act of kindness.

And these empty pages will be filled with ideas of creating that.

Of gifting others from those that filled my life with God.

One of my favorite Christmas songs is "Face of Love" by Jewel.

It seems more than appropriate for now....

For I have seen, the face of love, the grace of God...

May you find that wherever you are today, there is some good.

You may not see it now, but it is there.

May hope sustain you, may grace find you, may joy fill you, and may love abound.

Merry Christmas and a truly Happy New Year!

Why Not Now?

Time may or may not be our friend. 

It is all too uncertain. 

I have friends who have been loyal to the same company for 20 plus years only to go to work one day and be told, sorry we no longer need you. 

I have friends who were waiting to retire to live all the adventures they dreamt, but tragically died before reaching retirement age. 

I have friends who have so much money saved for what ifs, they carry out the same routine daily complaining they never do anything else. 

I have friends who desire to go, but are held to a geographic location by fear. 

Nothing is promised. 

Micheal and I have this dream of exploring the corners of the world. 

Of touching all the beauty of the tropics.

Of tasting life in a different culture. 

Our many trips have been the appetizers to part of our grand adventure.

And we hunger for more. 

Yet, we have been halted by the realities of life. 

Our kids, our finances, our home ownership. 

In 9 years, we were going to sell it all and go. 

A few weeks ago we tossed that idea aside and say why not now?

(Well, honestly, I gave Micheal a whole speech and apparently was convincing enough.)

So, we decided to adapt our dream to our realities and figure out a way to breath life into moving closer towards our dream now. 

Step one: selling our house. 

Yes, we really are selling our house on Tybee. For now, we are listing it FSBO. 

And yes, we have looked at rentals already. 

It is a big ordeal to move. 

But for me, it is a bigger ordeal to die never having moved. 

Often, people will write and say, "I can't believe you are doing this" or "I never could..."

We are born to live. 

We are born to move. 

We are born to grow. 

My life has been enriched by planting my feet in the soils of different parts of our world. 

By catching the first winter snowflakes on my tongue. 

By chasing fireflies in the fields of the country. 

By sledding with the Amish. 

By playing piano in a castle in Ireland. 

By swimming with the dolphins. 

By vacationing on an island where the food boat only comes once every two weeks. 

By becoming part of a photo shoot on another island only to end up in a European magazine. 

By dancing in the waterfalls. 

By trying new.

All that I have been blessed to experience has added fuel to this gypsy soul. 

What is more amazing, is that my pseudo beach bum husband is ready too. 

Yes, most think he is the one who is the throw caution to the wind one and I am the grounded routine laden one, but it is actually reverse. 

So, I write this out. 

Not to try to change anyone or make someone feel bad, but for me. 

It is one thing to talk about something. 

It is another thing to put it out there for all to see. 

And yes, there are moments that fear takes hold and my mind tells me all the reasons this is crazy. 

Why it won't work.

Why I can't. 

Why I shouldn't. 

It's too much to get where you want to go. 

And when I allow those fears to seep in, I literally feel a change in my body and I become sad. 

The weight of the world rests on my shoulders. 

So, I fight all the negative off. 

And remind myself. 

We are at step one: selling the house. 

And our journey will move forward, broken down into manageable achievable steps. 

And I am going to enjoy every single one!

Smiling Out Loud

It's always been my dream to live at the beach and I do. 

Yet I find that I often cannot make the five block walk to the ocean because I'm rarely home.

Like most of Americans, I drive a 45 minute commute to work to pay for an address at a place I do not get to enjoy.

And living in a hurricane flood zone I am now paying much more to have a house here.

Perhaps because I turned 40 this year.

Or that I had several friends my age die unexpectedly.

Or my gypsy blood runs hot.

I'm ready for change.

I am ready to get out of home ownership.

I'd be more than happy to stay on Tybee, but this old seaside town is becoming a hot expensive tourist destination where long term rentals are near impossible to find.

And that makes sense when you can make triple your monthly mortgage payment renting your house out weekly.

My husband has lived here 30 years this year. 

Moving 13 times in my own life, I cannot grasp 30 years in one place.

And I can't speak for him, but I can help him have his dream of living on a houseboat. 

And his wish to "not die here."

Change is hard.

And as we plan our next adventure, I'll admit I'm scared.

Can Micheal really do this?

Will the finances work out the way we need?

What if?

Fear. It's paralyzing.

But for every road block my mind seems to create, my heart only has so many beats until it stops.

And my soul knows that if we are to continue in our great adventure it's time for the next step.

I heard yesterday from one of my blessings, how I'm ruining her life. 

No my beautiful daughter, I'm showing you life.

I want to show you the world. 

How to dream.

How to explore.

How to learn.

How to appreciate.

To take you to the corners of the world that you have only read about while studying to pass the required test in school.

To show you that there's more to this world then the falsehood of the "American Dream."

To have your circle of friends expand the globe.

So, we have a dream.

And we are starting to make small steps towards it.

Crazy.

Scary.

Exhilarating.

All at the same time.

But isn't that what life should be?

What Character are You Creating?

It is funny to me how many people are not okay with change.

And perhaps it is a little of my own lack of understanding.

But, when I look at me before and me now, I want to see change.

Progress made in becoming all that I was created to be.

Changes made to live healthier.

Attitudes adjusted to love more.

Habits broken to grow.

My husband was a very, very public person for years.

I often would get to know him through his daily blog, just as the world did.

He would give all his emotions to writing it out, only to find a false sense of security in a world that loved his character.

When it benefited them.

When it got them ahead of others.

When it helped their cause.

When it made them feel good because they could relate.

But when his world shattered, where was everyone?

It's an oddly interesting life to be immersed in a time and place of what was.

I recently met someone who knew my husband before.

She commented how he was a "party animal."

I laughed thinking of the man I kissed goodbye that morning, who was snuggling with our baby.

Yes, I knew that old character too.

A representative of a person who wrote with truth behind the words.

Emotionally charged writings bleeding a broken soul, with applause of acceptance.

How wonderful it is when we find our people, whom we no longer need to pretend for.

When it is okay to be authentically raw and accepted in love.

"You have stopped writing Micheal?" I read a lot.

Maybe to an extent some.

Definitely not as much publicly.

But, he hasn't really.

He is just channeling all that he gave away to more of what matters for him in this time and place.

Into writing and composing several new songs.

Into playing the guitar again.

Into a church in a bar filled with people he loves.

Into telling stories to a 5 month old who adores her Daddy.

Change.

I look at this man I knew 18 years ago and who I was 18 years ago and marvel at how us then would have never worked.

But us now....WOW!

As we both learn to be true to ourselves for the first time surrounded in a safe loving relationship.

Stripping away our own insecurities and demons.

So, why the world doesn't get to read all about it every day, it's not for lack of stories.

But learning to invest those emotions into cultivating a marriage that will last.

Discovering the joys of raising a baby, again.

Loving seven children and their seven different personalities.

Setting aside the computer for the beauty of the outdoors.

Learning to hear the true applause of a few.

Giving, but not running on empty.

Authentically creating that which our heart desires, instead of out of habit for others.

Learning to say no without feeling guilty.

What do you need to give up that others want, so that you can have time for what you want?

What habit are you hiding behind that keeps you from moving forward?

How have you grown?

May you find the strength to let things go, the courage to move forward, and the love of yourself to celebrate.

To Our CHE

With every passing day it becomes more and more of a reality that you...well that you will be here soon.

You have taken me on a journey I thought I was done with ten years ago.

And you have already written a crazy unbelievable beginning to your story.

In our kitchen hangs a picture your sister painted which says "every ending is a new beginning."

When your Dad and I were first thrown into shock of our first pregnancy together, it ended before we could fully grasp the reality.

But what that short lived blessing did, was open our hearts to a greater reality.

I still cry the loss of what might have been.

It's a weird feeling because without that part in our journey, we wouldn't have you.

You. 

Miraculous, surprise, of you!

And just like your Dad does on a daily basis, you kept life interesting and scary, and us guessing.

But at 12 weeks, you became this strong little dancing baby and we were declared "normal."

That's not a word that will be used to describe our family often.

But the sweetness of it meant so much at that point.

Dear Clare Hope Elliott.

You are loved beyond a thousand years.

Your younger sisters marvel at you and play with you as you kick them back. They are already fighting over who is going to be your favorite.

And you have two older sisters who I think will spoil you rotten.

And your brother. Well he is delighting in your nephew, but will shower you in immense love. Along with your sister Terenca and your nieces. 

Recently we received  a beautiful pair of booties from our friends Linda and Mitch.

I sat there holding the booties imaging you. 

Your little feet and legs.

Your hands.

Your eyes.

Your smile.

Your heart.

And what your life will be.

All I know is that your journey will not be normal, but you will be loved.

And parts of your journey will be tough, but you will be loved.

And you may not always be happy, but you will be loved.

And you may not always understand, but you will be loved.

And we may do a thousand things wrong as parents, but you will be loved.

Love is something we have found and continue to grow.

And you Che are a reminder of that love.

A truly unexpected blessing in the midst of a crazy love story.

So, my daughter. 

May you create the most beautiful life.

For you have revolutionized our world.

More Than Just the Blue Birds

Somewhere over the rainbow echoes in my head as I learn the news of yet another friend passing unexpectedly.

Shock is the state I am sitting in thinking this is some horrible joke.

Yet, the reality of the preciousness of life is all too familiar.

Cancer, miscarriages, sudden spinal infections resulting in paralysis, accidents, heart attacks bombard my world with sadness.

Leaving my mind unable to form coherent sentences beyond the exclaimed huh!?!

Time goes buzzing bye as most of us remain settled in the life of status quo.

Getting by resting on our laurels.

Dying long before we take our last breath.

Pacifying ourselves that if only we had more time or if only we had more money.

Waiting for the magical age of retirement that seems to increase in years as the economy spirals downwards and jobs disappear.

You know what?

You’ll never have it all.

The perfect combination of what you think you need to have it all will turn into something more as you get closer to it.

That’s your fear pushing you away.

Because it’s all too much to handle.

You don’t deserve it.

It’s all just a stupid dream anyway.

Self-depreciation leaves us wishing for something more.

I was on that same path once.

I made a written bucket list of things I wanted to experience before I died.

And set out to do one a year.

But everything else got in the way and money was never there.

And then my friends, my young friends, starting getting terminal diseases.

And deaths were too frequent.

So my before I kicked the bucket list seemed dismal.

Each day became a little more precious.

And I cut out all the busyness of what others wanted from me.

And took the time and used some money to start investing in me.

Finding my joie de vivre (joy of life).

Checking things off that list more than once a year.

My whole perspective in life shifting to be more in line with why I’m here.

This is all we got.

Are you enjoying your life?

This life?

The here and the now?

Because I’m sure that Heaven is beautiful.

But I’m also sure that before we touch those blue skies, the dreams that you dare to dream can come true.

Stop the why then oh why can't I?

Because, you know what, you can.

What my Heart Needs to Say

I found pictures today of friends I once had. Who meant the world to me. 

And it's hurtful. Because I feel like I didn't do what they wanted so they left our friendship.

When Micheal and I starting realizing there was more than a friendship between us and marriage was ahead...there should have been joy.

Yet from the eight people who celebrated with us, there were ten times the amount who didn't.

She's after your money, he's after your youth.

He'll ruin your girls, she has three kids you're past that point in your life.

She is not Southern. He is not a Christian.

You'll have six kids, it won't work.

Don't marry her. Don't marry him.

A bucketful of dismal sentiments dumped on two recovering hearts believing in a love they began to feel.

Micheal has always forged his own path, but I had not. 

I strove to walk the straight and narrow of what was right in the eyes of the small world I lived.

So when we talked of marriage, it wasn't me pushing him ( yeah I know that surprises some of you naysayers)!

And as my world got smaller and smaller, I realized that most of the relationships I had were based on me doing what others wanted.

Because when I didn't listen to them, they disappeared.

So this straight and narrow small world I lived in became a solo journey of me.

I was forced to listen to myself.

To dig deep into my being and make a decision for me.

I felt selfish. 

I knew what my heart was telling me. Which was not what my head was telling me.

But defying all logic I went for it.

I can still hear the haunted gasps of those who left me.

Just give it a few months and it'll end. It won't last. The age difference.

All these things the world looks at is not what I know.

What I know is that I am married to a man who loves me at a depth I am not capable of accepting fully yet. Because I've never been loved like this.

I am married to a man who has grown to love my three little blessings as if they are his own.

I am married to a man who sits and listens to my rages of anger as another layer of protection falls away from a once broken heart in healing.

I am married to a man who is forever young while I grow older.

I am married to a man who does not recognize he has already given me the world. 

Every single day, every day, I thank God that I was brave enough to listen to me.

That I found a strength in myself to do what I felt was right.

For when the world judged without knowing, it was so very wrong.

There will always be those who have their opinions. 

And I know it hurts.

But if I had to stand alone again to get to here, I would.

Rare is it that we see the true gift of what we have until it's gone. 

Yet some how I am blessed to experience it every single day.

A Touch of a Holy Night

She shines like a star behind moving clouds as the street light flickers off and on, illuminating her figure every other second.

Her backdrop is a red brick wall turned gray by the night and she appears as though a ghost.

Somewhere in the distance a dog barks, yet her feet shuffle in their own singsong dance.

While her knotted lace shawl adds a touch of exquisiteness to her being.

And something glitters brightly on her left hand.

It’s an odd sight for this time of night.

Is she lost? And where is she going?

Not wanting to cause her alarm, I drive past.

Glancing in my rear view mirror, I see her turn.

And I stop.

I park my car and begin a tiptoe journey to spy on her.

For a moment she stops and looks around alarmed.

I pause and hide behind nothing by the night.

She resumes her shuffling

I follow on tiptoes.

When she enters the graveyard, I stop.

And I understand.

Tempted to follow, I decide to let her be.

This is their moment.

And I am a unwanted spectator.

I tiptoe back to  my car.

And my heart hurts for the grief she carries.

And my heart marvels at the love she still gives.

My radio beams…silent night, holy night…

And though I have not witnessed the birth of a baby in a manger,

I have seen glories stream from heaven above.

My Wishes

Star light, star bright, first star I see tonight….

Stringy blond haired and blue-eyed little me would sit at my windowsill each night, wishing.

As I got older I would sit, hoping.

And now I sit, praying.

My life journey has not gone as planned at all.

My dream of working in marketing for a sports team I gave up when I got married the first time.

The job offer was there from an NFL team, but I chose marriage and then a baby carriage, and another and another.

And what could have been a wildly successful career was replaced by a Love, and a Grace and a Joy that are my three greatest creations.

My life was steady, but a relationship began failing, and so I chose to give more of myself away and become a foster mom.

This mother of three became a mother of seven overnight.

My heart learned a depth of evil of others in the world that I still cannot talk about.  

Yet I grew in love towards a son and three daughters who confirmed family is not simply blood.

And when they left, the reality of what wasn’t there still existed.

I tried all I could to make it right, but I lost to a depression that refused to allow the other to see what needed to be done.

Still a hope existed when I got the permission to move back to be near the beach.

A dream I never gave up.

But temporary happiness was fleeting and divorce soon came and I was left alone.

I had my dream house, three beautiful girls, and a job I loved.

Until my job became restrictive and evil people of power threatened me.

So I hid.

My heart was bursting in love that I could not share.

And I felt pushed back into a shell of what I should be.

Until one day enough was enough.

I would not live like this.

And that cost me my job.

So an unlikely match to the world was formed and I married a man who holds my heart.

Time and money were our friend and we took advantage of it all.

Until it ran out.

And new creative endeavors never took off.

But happiness overflows in two once broken hearts that constantly explode like fireworks of their first kiss.

Yet, I know my plans are little compared to what lies ahead.

So…I wish I may, I wish I might…NOT have the wish I wish tonight. 

Good Friday

"HI, I’m Sarah…”I said reaching out to shake her hand.

Slowly she reaches out her hand and took mine while her mouth drops open.

“That was my mom’s name,” she whispers to herself.

Guiding her back to my office I ask her for her name.

She sits in my office with the deer in the headlight look.

I wait as she seems eager to say something, but cannot find the words.

“I was my mother’s caregiver for years,” she says with a fierce strength in her eyes.

“And she passed away three months ago, “Her mouth remains open to continue, but silence comes.

Her fingers dance amongst themselves as her eyes break the strength they tried to hold, and tears come.

“It’s just so hard and no one understands. We were so close. I just….”

And she lets herself cry.

“I know there are no words to describe how it feels when you were so needed and loved, and suddenly that feels gone,” I say.

She glares at me and I know that while I have not embraced her physically, I have embraced her hurt.

“We all have an internal desire to be needed and loved, but most of us go through life feeling empty and unused,” I continue.

She nods in fierce agreement.

“And oh how special and indescribable it is when we fill those pieces of ourselves. And how lost we feel when we lose that.”

Her smile hugs me.

We go on to have a fabulous discussion about how she wants to volunteer.

She needs to be around others, giving of herself, sharing and receiving joy. Feeling wanted. Needed. Appreciated.

Her needs are not much different than my own.

Few ever take the steps to find this fulfillment.

They get lost in meaningless relationships keeping a waning glimmer of maybe, the find safety in the familiar, they fail to see their gifts.

She doesn’t want to leave, but she doesn’t want to keep me either.

“You know, I was just in the area and thought I would stop over here to see how I could volunteer,” she says gathering her things.

“And then you come out and your name is the same as my mother’s.”

I walk her to the door and she turns around, “It’s never a coincidence is it?” I say.

She smiles and I know. Her Sarah has touched this moment. This day.

And she is taking all the pain of her loss and turning it into joy by giving of herself to help others.

Can it be any better?

Dear My Micheal

I didn’t know what I was singing up for. Not that it would have changed anything. I’m crazy enough to have married a rock star.

And it’s hard to share.

A humble man, just trying to be a beach bum is forever bombarded with other’s needs.

His success follows him and people expect great things.

And he will give it all.

Now before you think I am selfish- I am not. I am a giver, but I learned to set boundaries because I became depleted before. And so has he.

So I am over protective of him.

And of us.

And of our time.

It took half of my lifespan to get to him. And It’s unknown how much is left.

I have never met anyone that loves everyone the way he does.

Even those that took it all from him, he rarely casts a negative stone.

He is a friend to all and lots consider him their best friend.

Many emulate him.

But he is also just one man.

With six kids who adore him.

A cat he swore he’ d never own that sleeps at his feet.

A Little Gay Dog that prances in love.

And a Goddess, who helped hold his heart.

Most of our days are glorious, but we both carry scars.

And insecurities sometimes get the best of us.

Allowing others to take our joy.

Because they envy what we have.

And think they are on equal footing.

But they are looking at the rock star and not the man.

A distinction few understand.

And while many cling to you as their anything.

You are my everything.