The other night I spent countless hours lying awake wrestling with some news I had recently received. It was not something I wanted to hear, but it was the truth. I had known all along, but it was confirmed in the end.
So this news catapulted me back into the past. Initially I was shocked, then angry, then ...my body shook, I was physically sick, and started to drown in endless sorrow.
I fought to get out of remaining back there. It is easy to get stuck in the what was and let it strangle the happiness out of what is.
I have always tried to live for the present. Yet, I struggle at times letting history take happiness out of my today's.
Of all the good and of all the bad in my past, it comprises chapters of my life that have shaped who I have become.
I am on a constant journey to being the best me that I can be. I take what the past was and learn from it. Vowing never to make certain mistakes again, promising myself to forgive, pushing myself to learn from it and be better.
As hard as I wish there is no power to change what has occurred or to erase it from memory. What I do know is that I can choose to allow the past to intrude and continue to have life by festering in the present or I can learn to accept and forgive.
Forgiveness is hard but essential. This is very difficult for me. Yet, I am slowly moving past the "Why did this happen to me?" to "How has this (or can this) help me grow?" I am grabbing onto faith; clinging to the hope and promise of the future.
January 18, 2012
January 11, 2012
Sharing My Journey
In a world full of expectations we are doomed to fail. Try as I might to be the perfect mother, wife, friend, daughter, boss, employee....I have wonderfully failed in all of these areas.
Tonight I find myself reflecting on my failures.
There were days when I was simply perfect in all these things, doing what everyone else expected. Going, going, going and going to the point of crashing. Only to take a twenty minute reprieve and go at it again. I wanted to escape, even for a weekend get-a-way alone, but the guilt of taking time for me always won over.
Running eventually became my escape and turned into something I enjoyed. Countless offers of others to run with me were avoided because this was the only thing that I gave to myself.
I have always worked. I have always said yes. I have always done everything I could for others. I have always placed others needs ahead of my own. I have tried to meet expectations of others at the cost of myself.
As much as I love celebrating others through giving, I hate receiving gifts. I get uneasy opening gifts in front of others and subdue emotions when doing so. I commented to my best friend last night that when he shows up I am so excited, but I rarely show it. Receiving gifts, in any form, is not easy for me.
Why is it so hard to just be who we are? Why do we convince ourselves that being us is not enough? Why do we not celebrate the wonderfully wacky and unique person we are?
My life is not picture perfect and it is not what others wish it was. I have received enough notes of failure in the last several months to know just what others do not like about my life.
Yet despite the daily expectations of others I fail to meet, I am learning that is okay to be me. Each day I discover new gifts that I am learning to receive and I am learning to express the joy of such things.
I know my faults. I have accepted my failures. I still struggle to find consistency in the middle of being too strict or too lenient. But I am me. On a journey of learning, discovering, accepting, believing, trusting, and growing.
In a world full of expectations we are doomed to fail. I will never be perfect and that is okay.
Tonight I find myself reflecting on my failures.
There were days when I was simply perfect in all these things, doing what everyone else expected. Going, going, going and going to the point of crashing. Only to take a twenty minute reprieve and go at it again. I wanted to escape, even for a weekend get-a-way alone, but the guilt of taking time for me always won over.
Running eventually became my escape and turned into something I enjoyed. Countless offers of others to run with me were avoided because this was the only thing that I gave to myself.
I have always worked. I have always said yes. I have always done everything I could for others. I have always placed others needs ahead of my own. I have tried to meet expectations of others at the cost of myself.
As much as I love celebrating others through giving, I hate receiving gifts. I get uneasy opening gifts in front of others and subdue emotions when doing so. I commented to my best friend last night that when he shows up I am so excited, but I rarely show it. Receiving gifts, in any form, is not easy for me.
Why is it so hard to just be who we are? Why do we convince ourselves that being us is not enough? Why do we not celebrate the wonderfully wacky and unique person we are?
My life is not picture perfect and it is not what others wish it was. I have received enough notes of failure in the last several months to know just what others do not like about my life.
Yet despite the daily expectations of others I fail to meet, I am learning that is okay to be me. Each day I discover new gifts that I am learning to receive and I am learning to express the joy of such things.
I know my faults. I have accepted my failures. I still struggle to find consistency in the middle of being too strict or too lenient. But I am me. On a journey of learning, discovering, accepting, believing, trusting, and growing.
In a world full of expectations we are doomed to fail. I will never be perfect and that is okay.
December 30, 2011
Home
"Are you from here or are you visiting?" she questioned sitting down at a table across from us last night out for dinner. "No this is home for us," one of us replied.
I thought of this exchange as I ran this morning. I felt like Jim Carrey in the Truman Show when every single person I passed smiled and greeted me "Good Morning." It was a beautiful morning full of people walking, riding bikes, children laughing in their yards. The picture perfect small town.
I thought about home.
Daily working with homeless people... people literally without a home; it struck me how many people wander around "homeless" every day. Home being more than a building that provides a place to sleep.
There are many who do not have a safe haven to return to, a sanctuary of peace and love and acceptance. I am far more knowledgeable about this type of displacement that I really care to admit. It is saddening.
For a long time I aimed to have the perfect home when people would come to visit. I wanted my house to be perfectly clean and welcoming. I found it hard to be at home without jumping up to clean or fix something. It was hard to just relax. I wanted me to be perfect too.
Many of us work so hard in life to perform what is expected of us... at work, in families, in relationships; ending up confused as to who we have become. We end up creating home void of the holiness of a sanctuary.
It has taken me awhile to accept that when friends are coming to my home, they are not looking at my house. My home is me.
And now I am learning that even though I am covered with dusty scars of imperfections, they love me anyway. Even though I make mistakes daily, they love me anyway. Even when I disagree with them, they love me anyway.
So last night at dinner with Mike and Dee...while receiving texts of love from Cheryl, Maddie, and Judy...I knew I had found my sanctuary. Indeed I was home.
I thought of this exchange as I ran this morning. I felt like Jim Carrey in the Truman Show when every single person I passed smiled and greeted me "Good Morning." It was a beautiful morning full of people walking, riding bikes, children laughing in their yards. The picture perfect small town.
I thought about home.
Daily working with homeless people... people literally without a home; it struck me how many people wander around "homeless" every day. Home being more than a building that provides a place to sleep.
There are many who do not have a safe haven to return to, a sanctuary of peace and love and acceptance. I am far more knowledgeable about this type of displacement that I really care to admit. It is saddening.
For a long time I aimed to have the perfect home when people would come to visit. I wanted my house to be perfectly clean and welcoming. I found it hard to be at home without jumping up to clean or fix something. It was hard to just relax. I wanted me to be perfect too.
Many of us work so hard in life to perform what is expected of us... at work, in families, in relationships; ending up confused as to who we have become. We end up creating home void of the holiness of a sanctuary.
It has taken me awhile to accept that when friends are coming to my home, they are not looking at my house. My home is me.
And now I am learning that even though I am covered with dusty scars of imperfections, they love me anyway. Even though I make mistakes daily, they love me anyway. Even when I disagree with them, they love me anyway.
So last night at dinner with Mike and Dee...while receiving texts of love from Cheryl, Maddie, and Judy...I knew I had found my sanctuary. Indeed I was home.
December 1, 2011
My Own Christmas Carol
There is not enough time in the day, but lately I am able to find the time to sit and stare at myself basking in deep reflection. It is Christmas Carol like in reflecting on what was, what is, and what will be.
I have come to appreciate that my life has been…full. I have been the helper of three wonderful miracles, I have been the “mother” of Korean sons and daughters, a Japanese son, a Chinese son, and a Mexican daughter; I have been a mother of 7 children through the gift of foster parenting; I have bought a house, added onto a house, sold a house, and bought another house; I learned more nursing skills than I ever wanted when Ben ruptured his Achilles and was on bed rest; I have been blessed to work continuously since I was 14; and I have transitioned to a house full of girls.
I have come to be extremely mindful of my compulsive behavior to be the energizer bunny. A few years back I had to talk myself through the need to not say “yes” to everything. I am better at resting now, although I still tend to waver towards the go-go-go side. I am able to put myself first occasionally and not feel guilty. I am embracing the joy of discovering things I want to try and have an endless bucket list.
My life is quite easy in comparison too many, yet I struggle to always see that clearly. It is easy to feel overwhelmed, under grateful, and alone. I believe my future holds great things and I want to rush to get there, yet the true adventure is the journey of each day. With the tendency to want to plan it is hard to wait for soon. I suppose that is also my own selfish behavior of just wanting it all now and the fear of just how uncertain the future can be.
Lately I have felt like I am living in four different worlds…being who I am always…but with differences in each. This has been exhausting. So it is time to start melding them all together. I am very aware that in doing so it may surprise some or offend others, but it really is not about what others think. I know there are times that God is shaking his head at me laughing, and I also know there are times that he is extending his arms of grace over and over and over again to me. I treasure the truth of knowing just how much the gift of unconditional love means.
The past several months of transitioning have been some of the most joyous and hardest times for me. I am not sure if processing through transitions ever has a definite ending. I fail to think you just wake up one day knowing you are done and I believe life is too short to sit waiting for the ending only then to be able to start what’s next. In my reflection I have asked for forgiveness, forgave myself, and have some scars that perhaps time will heal. I refuse though to sit waiting to be completely perfect in the eyes of the world to begin what’s next.
Today it all starts with publicly sharing that for awhile now I have been a single mother of three beautiful blessings. The details surrounding this is only for a few to know and I have kept this hidden out of fear of what others would think. Yet, I cannot begin melding “my worlds” without sharing this first.
I am grateful for those who unknowingly supported and loved me over…well for a long time. I am extremely thankful for my “extended family” who have encouraged me non-stop from a distance—you are so very special to me Aaron, Amanda, and Amy. I also thank God ever day for these people who have created a local family for me--so thank you Dee, Cheryl, Johnny, Judy, Sam, Jodee, and Rocky. For lunches, dinners, talks, laughter, tears, hugs, kisses, for creating memories that I wake up thinking can't be true, for music, and for embracing me and the girls. And for the one who keeps me supplied with the brand of toilet paper I prefer and the lunchables the girls eats....well you know.
Awhile back I am not sure I could have said this in full sincerity, but tonight I can truly say I echo Tiny Tim when he exclaims... "God Bless us, everyone!"
I have come to appreciate that my life has been…full. I have been the helper of three wonderful miracles, I have been the “mother” of Korean sons and daughters, a Japanese son, a Chinese son, and a Mexican daughter; I have been a mother of 7 children through the gift of foster parenting; I have bought a house, added onto a house, sold a house, and bought another house; I learned more nursing skills than I ever wanted when Ben ruptured his Achilles and was on bed rest; I have been blessed to work continuously since I was 14; and I have transitioned to a house full of girls.
I have come to be extremely mindful of my compulsive behavior to be the energizer bunny. A few years back I had to talk myself through the need to not say “yes” to everything. I am better at resting now, although I still tend to waver towards the go-go-go side. I am able to put myself first occasionally and not feel guilty. I am embracing the joy of discovering things I want to try and have an endless bucket list.
My life is quite easy in comparison too many, yet I struggle to always see that clearly. It is easy to feel overwhelmed, under grateful, and alone. I believe my future holds great things and I want to rush to get there, yet the true adventure is the journey of each day. With the tendency to want to plan it is hard to wait for soon. I suppose that is also my own selfish behavior of just wanting it all now and the fear of just how uncertain the future can be.
Lately I have felt like I am living in four different worlds…being who I am always…but with differences in each. This has been exhausting. So it is time to start melding them all together. I am very aware that in doing so it may surprise some or offend others, but it really is not about what others think. I know there are times that God is shaking his head at me laughing, and I also know there are times that he is extending his arms of grace over and over and over again to me. I treasure the truth of knowing just how much the gift of unconditional love means.
The past several months of transitioning have been some of the most joyous and hardest times for me. I am not sure if processing through transitions ever has a definite ending. I fail to think you just wake up one day knowing you are done and I believe life is too short to sit waiting for the ending only then to be able to start what’s next. In my reflection I have asked for forgiveness, forgave myself, and have some scars that perhaps time will heal. I refuse though to sit waiting to be completely perfect in the eyes of the world to begin what’s next.
Today it all starts with publicly sharing that for awhile now I have been a single mother of three beautiful blessings. The details surrounding this is only for a few to know and I have kept this hidden out of fear of what others would think. Yet, I cannot begin melding “my worlds” without sharing this first.
I am grateful for those who unknowingly supported and loved me over…well for a long time. I am extremely thankful for my “extended family” who have encouraged me non-stop from a distance—you are so very special to me Aaron, Amanda, and Amy. I also thank God ever day for these people who have created a local family for me--so thank you Dee, Cheryl, Johnny, Judy, Sam, Jodee, and Rocky. For lunches, dinners, talks, laughter, tears, hugs, kisses, for creating memories that I wake up thinking can't be true, for music, and for embracing me and the girls. And for the one who keeps me supplied with the brand of toilet paper I prefer and the lunchables the girls eats....well you know.
Awhile back I am not sure I could have said this in full sincerity, but tonight I can truly say I echo Tiny Tim when he exclaims... "God Bless us, everyone!"
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