My Carpe Diem

Engraved in gold lettering across my high school yearbook are the words "Carpe Diem." We, as high school graduates, were energized to go out into the big world that awaited us and think for ourselves, be individuals, and live an extraordinary life.

Many of us fell into the traditional step of what came next....college. Then love...then marriage...then a job to support the baby in the baby carriage...then the house in the suburbs...while working harder and harder to keep it all together.

And then one day, for many, life screeches to a halt and you find yourself in despair crying out "Why?"

Yesterday I learned of a high school friend who became a widow at the age of 31 and another dear friend who lost the twins she was carrying; after many years of heartache trying. Others are struggling to hold their marriages together or pay this month's rent.

I can't help but stop and in my own pleading for them ask, "Why?"

Last night I sat at a backyard BBQ where a wandering musician played guitar for us. I looked around at the people who were sharing this experience with me and knew that this is truly what life is about---relationships.

I may not be rich or have the largest house or know where money is going to come from. I may go through loss that I fear will leave me stuck in despair. I may repeatedly cry out for myself or others, "Why?"

Every day though, I am amazed just how many of us share parallel situations on our journeys. When we allow ourselves to be open and share we realize that we are not alone. And that, I believe, is the greatest gift.

There is a collection of friends who have exemplified Romans 12:15 for me and I strive to do the same. I will rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn.

Relationships. My life is rich and extraordinary because of that.

Carpe Diem.

All the Difference

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Our days are filled with choices. Some are simple and easy, while others hold the capacity to greatly alter our lives.

We are often inspired by others to reach for our dreams, embrace what makes us happy, and to be what we want to be. Yet, it is often the same people who, when we so boldly take the leap, stand there shaking their heads in disbelief. Often in disapproval.

Take the risk, but don't do anything out of the ordinary. Reach for your dreams, but stay confined by societal rules to get there. Be happy, but keep everyone else happy along the way.

My life has presented me with choices that I have had to make and some that I have had to accept. They have not all been easy, but I am following my heart. I am praying and trusting God more than I ever have.

I know there are people who don't understand my choices, who forget there are two sides to every story, who criticize. There are others who stand in awe that I am pursuing happiness and are dancing in delight with me along the journey.

We all have the choice to forge our own path. To make our life what it was meant to be. To make God laugh, cry, dance, sing, and embrace us as we do our best to live the life given to us. It is the uniqueness of each other that we often fail to accept.

There are a lot of unknowns for me right now, but I have never been happier. I am sure that I am exactly where I am suppose to be and with who I am suppose to be with. I delight in my three blessings with a pure simple beautiful joy. I am surrounded by a crazy wonderful carnival of friends who have embraced me with unconditional love. I have rekindled my deep connections with friends whom I have always cherished.

I have no doubts.

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

From Wandering to Wondering

We wake up each day and repeat pretty much the course of yesterday. Ending up ready for bed each night tired only from the typical routine of what always is.

Most of us walk through life waiting for eventually. The "eventually" of when we have enough time or enough money or enough courage or enough faith to do what we really want to do. The endless list of excuses that keep us bound to the safety of now. Letting the unknowns of what if I just....paralyze us.

I am learning more and more that often we are pushed to face our own feared landscape of the unknown. I think of several friends who are wandering right now. Some are getting caught in the depths of self doubt. Some are choosing distractions to avoid facing what they need too. Some are choosing to accept that this is how it is just going to be and remain stuck.

There are a handful though who are embracing the change. They have moved to a new place to follow their dreams. They have decided to take some time off to choose what is next. They are expanding themselves through trying new things. They are wondering.

I am faced with my canvas of life filled with a bunch of question marks right now. For a little while I let them be shadowed with doubts of uncertainty, but then I found the faith to believe, again. Slowly those question marks turned to hues of bright hope and glittery goodness of what is.

The mirroring of my today to my yesterday is over. I am enjoying the adventure of figuring out what I want my "eventually" to be. Leaving the wandering and embracing the wondering.

SEE?

Schedules were once a necessary part of my day. I was the to-do list master and was disciplined about self indulgence (usually playing on the computer or reading) until the work for the day was done and the girls were in bed and everything was ready for the next day and all the shoes were lined up by the door and all the dishes were clean...and... I had lost my spontaneity.

I think really though, I feared the loss of control. If I wasn't in charge things would not happen, they would not get done right, or fast enough. I was a master at controlling myself...and tried to control others...to make them fit into what I wanted them to be.

Life was structured and routines prevailed. Interruptions greatly threw my world off kilter and made me angry.

That was then.

Cass was sick today and as she lay resting on the couch, I spent the day playing on the computer. A few times I thought that about the floors that needed to be mopped...and eventually the wash made it to the dryer. Yet, my mind was consumed in thinking about the next big event in my life.

For once again in my life, I am ready to throw caution to the wind and dive right in without holding my nose. It has been a long, long time since I felt this ready for something. So today I got frustrated when I felt like all the reasons of why not now (albeit practical ones) were being shared with me.

So I started to revert to planning...organizing...controlling. Letting the ugly old parts of me start to have life in now. That is not who I am.

So honey, forget all the what ifs, the hows, all the little things we just don't know. Life has a way of working itself out. Often better than we can imagine. I know what is real, and true, and beautiful. I take this gift of us and want to celebrate it as only we can.

There was a time when I would not have been able to say all of that, but this is now.

I believe. I trust. I am ready.

SEE?