Good Friday

"HI, I’m Sarah…”I said reaching out to shake her hand.

Slowly she reaches out her hand and took mine while her mouth drops open.

“That was my mom’s name,” she whispers to herself.

Guiding her back to my office I ask her for her name.

She sits in my office with the deer in the headlight look.

I wait as she seems eager to say something, but cannot find the words.

“I was my mother’s caregiver for years,” she says with a fierce strength in her eyes.

“And she passed away three months ago, “Her mouth remains open to continue, but silence comes.

Her fingers dance amongst themselves as her eyes break the strength they tried to hold, and tears come.

“It’s just so hard and no one understands. We were so close. I just….”

And she lets herself cry.

“I know there are no words to describe how it feels when you were so needed and loved, and suddenly that feels gone,” I say.

She glares at me and I know that while I have not embraced her physically, I have embraced her hurt.

“We all have an internal desire to be needed and loved, but most of us go through life feeling empty and unused,” I continue.

She nods in fierce agreement.

“And oh how special and indescribable it is when we fill those pieces of ourselves. And how lost we feel when we lose that.”

Her smile hugs me.

We go on to have a fabulous discussion about how she wants to volunteer.

She needs to be around others, giving of herself, sharing and receiving joy. Feeling wanted. Needed. Appreciated.

Her needs are not much different than my own.

Few ever take the steps to find this fulfillment.

They get lost in meaningless relationships keeping a waning glimmer of maybe, the find safety in the familiar, they fail to see their gifts.

She doesn’t want to leave, but she doesn’t want to keep me either.

“You know, I was just in the area and thought I would stop over here to see how I could volunteer,” she says gathering her things.

“And then you come out and your name is the same as my mother’s.”

I walk her to the door and she turns around, “It’s never a coincidence is it?” I say.

She smiles and I know. Her Sarah has touched this moment. This day.

And she is taking all the pain of her loss and turning it into joy by giving of herself to help others.

Can it be any better?

Dear My Micheal

I didn’t know what I was singing up for. Not that it would have changed anything. I’m crazy enough to have married a rock star.

And it’s hard to share.

A humble man, just trying to be a beach bum is forever bombarded with other’s needs.

His success follows him and people expect great things.

And he will give it all.

Now before you think I am selfish- I am not. I am a giver, but I learned to set boundaries because I became depleted before. And so has he.

So I am over protective of him.

And of us.

And of our time.

It took half of my lifespan to get to him. And It’s unknown how much is left.

I have never met anyone that loves everyone the way he does.

Even those that took it all from him, he rarely casts a negative stone.

He is a friend to all and lots consider him their best friend.

Many emulate him.

But he is also just one man.

With six kids who adore him.

A cat he swore he’ d never own that sleeps at his feet.

A Little Gay Dog that prances in love.

And a Goddess, who helped hold his heart.

Most of our days are glorious, but we both carry scars.

And insecurities sometimes get the best of us.

Allowing others to take our joy.

Because they envy what we have.

And think they are on equal footing.

But they are looking at the rock star and not the man.

A distinction few understand.

And while many cling to you as their anything.

You are my everything.

Just Bent

Are you there God?

Predisposed to anger I am trying to take all the pent up frustrations of this week and use them for positive.

Which is why I scrubbed the bathroom floors and baseboards on my hands and knees, organized my kitchen cupboards, alphabetized the spices, cleaned, ran, cleaned, wrote letters, etc.

Returning from a glorious vacation I was snapped back into reality when I realized my renter had fled the state and left his girlfriend squatting at my rental house.

Which is trashed.

Advised to take the high road and give her time to get her stuff out...only made me more frustrated.

I am tired of adults not being held accountable for their actions. Why can she live there rent free for two weeks?

Sometimes it sucks being a nice person. We always seem to get screwed.

So the added expense of un-budgeted/unexpected repairs lands on top of a dwindling checking
account.

Of course, this comes right after the blow that I didn't get the job I really wanted. Not even a second interview.

And the news is flooded with parents intentionally leaving their kids in hot cars and the kid dies. Yet I have several friends mourning losses of babies they briefly held or can never have.

So God, I know all the verses I am to repeat to myself...for my light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all...

But God, why?

Why do bad things happen to good people?

I use to be under the illusion that it was punishment for sins, but I don't think you really are like that.

Make your face shine on your servant, save me with your steadfast love....

See the verses aren't helping me because I'm struggling to believe them at this moment. I'm just uttering the words.

It's not just one thing, but a lot rests unsettled in my heart. A lot thrown at me in the past few weeks.

I'm not broken, just bent.

Bent towards cynical thinking, unfairness to those who do good.

I know it's not my place to judge, but God seriously you know the people I am talking about and I just don't get it.

So, I know you are there. And I know you are listening. And I know you feel my heart. And I know you see my weakness of anger.And I know you see the hurt.

But I'm trying.... Can you give me a little nod?

Choosing My Joie de Vivre

Change is hard.

Whether it is forced upon us or chosen, it is hard.  

That's why most of us stay.

Stay in unhappy situations.

Settle for passionless jobs.

Remain in unfulfilled or abusive relationships.

Live in the confines of what's familiar.

A few years ago that was me.

On the outside I had it all.

On the inside I was a shell.

Emotional battles raged.

I could please everyone else or choose my own happiness.

Seems selfish right?

But the truth is we have to take care of ourselves first, so we can take care of others and serve our purpose in this world.

Most of us have this backwards.

We do it all for others leaving nothing left to give ourselves.

So I chose me.

I left the comfort of the familiar neighborhood.

I left a failed relationship in my marriage.

I left my dream house.

I left a dog I loved.

And then other loses came.

A job ended.

Family and friends disappeared.

Health and dental insurance was lost.

When I chose me....I had no idea how much loss I would suffer.

It was painful.

Sometimes I still mourn things.

Pieces of my heart are still broken.

Perhaps some could have been done differently to not have some much pain received in such a short period of time, but I've never been one to do things half-hearted.

So I forged forward.

Living in a stripped down version of the life I craved to get to the life I was suppose to have.

My future was a a blank canvas with tons of unknowns.

And then I found love in the most unlikely of places.

And I have never known the depth of love like this.

Many things are still unknown or don't make sense.

Yet we both believe in each other.
 
That God had a hand in all of this.

And the long journey of pain, was worth it.

Every day is not easy.

Fears still exist.

Pains still linger.

But I know all of that was worth it to get to all of this.
 
And I don't regret the rain 
Or the nights I felt the pain
Or the tears I had to cry
Some of those times along the way
Every road I had to take
Every time my heart would break
It was just something that I had to get through
To get me to you, To get me to you 
And if I could I wouldn't change a thing...