I was looking back at the books I read over the past year and noticed a trend--- most were books on how to be a better mom, how to be a better wife, how to be better at time management, how to be a better Christian, etc. Now I am all for self-betterment (I doubt that is a word, but I like it), but when my stack of how to be better books was significantly larger than my reading for enjoyment pile, I got a little worried. Did I really view myself as needing that much betterment?
I have this mental list of things that I know I need to and have been trying to work on, but lately I have been realizing that perhaps my view of me is clouded too much but what I am not, than what I am.
And so now I am starting to become comfortable in my own skin. I am not completely abandoning my betterment list, just balancing the negatives with double the amount of positives and embracing (what I see as) my imperfections not as imperfect parts of me, but as who I am.
Somewhere between college, marriage and now, I had some tainted views of what I thought a wife, mother, etc. should be and how they should act. Instead of being Sarah as a wife or Sarah as a mother, I tried to be Sarah as the Perfect Wife, Sarah as the Perfect Mother and this led to not being Sarah.
I remember Ben once saying to me that he missed the old Sarah. He has no idea how much that comment has played over and over again in my mind. It has just taken me much longer to realize I missed her too.
So now I stand here feeling like I am no longer looking at my naked self through a magnifying glass, but looking at myself through eyes that have just looked directly into the sun- Seeing a blotch of shadowy imperfections yet knowing that my eyes will readjust and I will see myself again.
August 11, 2008
July 28, 2008
A Vacation from Vacation
So I just got back from a week of vacation. On my vacation I spent one day traveling to our destination, one day at the Bronx Zoo, one day traveling to Allentown to visit my grandfather, one day in NYC, one day at Seaside Heights beach and one day traveling home. It was a wonderful and fun time, but a vacation???
Traveling with 3 girls- 6,4, and 20 months- is enough to drive the most calm person a little nuts and I am far from calm. Thankfully the girls were actually almost angelic on the ride to and from home.
So I took an extra day off work to rest. On this day I unpacked everyone, cleaned the house, cleaned the car and went to the food store.
The nice thing about our vacation was that Ben was able to get many house projects finished while we were away. So while I did not have a "vacation" it is so nice to look around and see the dining room door trimmed, our bedroom project complete--- cleaning out the mold, removing the carpet and part of the wall, fixing the wall, putting in laminate flooring, the porch columns completed and all white, and the many other things that Ben finished up.
I think we both now need a real vacation.
Traveling with 3 girls- 6,4, and 20 months- is enough to drive the most calm person a little nuts and I am far from calm. Thankfully the girls were actually almost angelic on the ride to and from home.
So I took an extra day off work to rest. On this day I unpacked everyone, cleaned the house, cleaned the car and went to the food store.
The nice thing about our vacation was that Ben was able to get many house projects finished while we were away. So while I did not have a "vacation" it is so nice to look around and see the dining room door trimmed, our bedroom project complete--- cleaning out the mold, removing the carpet and part of the wall, fixing the wall, putting in laminate flooring, the porch columns completed and all white, and the many other things that Ben finished up.
I think we both now need a real vacation.
July 15, 2008
An Arabian Princess
Somewhere in my childhood land of make believe I was an Arabian Princess. It all started with my fifth grade English project on writing a family story. It also helps that my name- Sarah- means princess. Below you will see the actual story taken from my fifth grade paper (as I wrote it exactly in fifth grade)....
"My grandfather lived in Arabia on the Desert. He lived in a tribe named Saah. He wanted to come to America. The people on Ellis Island said he was not allowed to be an immigrant. On the way back to his home he jumped off the ship and swam ashore to texas. He became a big business man. My grandfather who told me about this had two last names. one was Elias and the other was the tribal name Saah. Elias was the name my great grandfather used when he came to America."
Honestly, it still is fun sometimes to picture myself dressed in elaborate silk clothing and jewels riding a camel surrounded by an entourage of men who jump at my command.
Surely to others this is something that they would never see. For too many times we do not share our stories, true or not, for fear of what others would think.
I thought about this more as I sat and listened to others talk about my grandmother at her funeral, it was so interesting to see her through another's eyes. For what she was to me was so narrowed in my own perception of who I thought she was.
It makes me wonder how many times I have not really seen others as they were or are or sometimes wish to be. My hope is that I try to not let my perception of someone, hinder them from being themself.
"My grandfather lived in Arabia on the Desert. He lived in a tribe named Saah. He wanted to come to America. The people on Ellis Island said he was not allowed to be an immigrant. On the way back to his home he jumped off the ship and swam ashore to texas. He became a big business man. My grandfather who told me about this had two last names. one was Elias and the other was the tribal name Saah. Elias was the name my great grandfather used when he came to America."
Honestly, it still is fun sometimes to picture myself dressed in elaborate silk clothing and jewels riding a camel surrounded by an entourage of men who jump at my command.
Surely to others this is something that they would never see. For too many times we do not share our stories, true or not, for fear of what others would think.
I thought about this more as I sat and listened to others talk about my grandmother at her funeral, it was so interesting to see her through another's eyes. For what she was to me was so narrowed in my own perception of who I thought she was.
It makes me wonder how many times I have not really seen others as they were or are or sometimes wish to be. My hope is that I try to not let my perception of someone, hinder them from being themself.
July 9, 2008
It is well with my soul
Today my grandmother entered into the presence of her Heavenly Father. It also happens to be my mom's birthday, and it was her mother who passed.
I search for comfort, looking to my Lord silently singing...."When peace like a river attendeth my soul, when sorrows like sea billows roll, whatever my lot, Thou hast taught me to say, It is well, it is well with my soul."
Oh I wish those words could only help the ache go away. For I cling to the hope and promise that I will be able to rest in the knowledge that it really is well with my soul.
I have carried a card around in my Bible that we received when Pop passed away in 1995. " A rose once grew where all could see, sheltered beside a garden wall, And, as the days passed swiftly by, it spread its branches, straight and tall... One day a beam of light shone through a crevice that had opened wide--- The rose bent gently towards its warmth then passed beyond to the other side.... Now, you who deeply feel its loss, be comforted--- the rose blooms there--- Its beauty even greater now nurtured by God's own loving care."
Oh God, thank you for allowing us to be blessed with Grandma for so many years. Thank you for sustaining her through trials and never letting her faith waver. Thank you for loving her more than we ever could. Thank you for ending her pain and welcoming her home. Thank you for loving me and hearing my cry in sorrow.
I search for comfort, looking to my Lord silently singing...."When peace like a river attendeth my soul, when sorrows like sea billows roll, whatever my lot, Thou hast taught me to say, It is well, it is well with my soul."
Oh I wish those words could only help the ache go away. For I cling to the hope and promise that I will be able to rest in the knowledge that it really is well with my soul.
I have carried a card around in my Bible that we received when Pop passed away in 1995. " A rose once grew where all could see, sheltered beside a garden wall, And, as the days passed swiftly by, it spread its branches, straight and tall... One day a beam of light shone through a crevice that had opened wide--- The rose bent gently towards its warmth then passed beyond to the other side.... Now, you who deeply feel its loss, be comforted--- the rose blooms there--- Its beauty even greater now nurtured by God's own loving care."
Oh God, thank you for allowing us to be blessed with Grandma for so many years. Thank you for sustaining her through trials and never letting her faith waver. Thank you for loving her more than we ever could. Thank you for ending her pain and welcoming her home. Thank you for loving me and hearing my cry in sorrow.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)