Wny not me?

For the past 14 weeks we have been dealing with Ben's Achilles. And it really is we. The lows have outweighed the up times during this ordeal. I have sat staring at nothingness for hours, to tired to move and frozen in depression.
As I sat looking through my "journal" I found this quote from The Fred Factor by Mark Sanborn.... "Why not me? I have faith and I am tough. I can take it." I do not remember the exact story surrounding this, but do recall the woman was facing some sort of illness and when others sympathetically looked at her this was her response.
I admit I had zero grace the first time around. Poor Ben on bed rest was suffering enough, yet I only inflicted more guilt on him. Sure I did it all, but not without complaining.
So when we learned of the third infection I questioned God... surely He knew I lacked grace, patience and stamina to do it all again.... but here I am...
So I am in the battle to not let this infection consume our life and not to fall into a state of hopelessness.
Perhaps I will even have some grace.
So, with some trepidation, I say.... "Why not me? I have faith and I am tough. I can take it."

For Now, My Little One

As I awoke to the pitter-patter of 6 little feet, I could not help but think about you. I do not know where you are, but I wonder about you every day.
This morning was hard as I watched you sisters open up (probably too many) Christmas gifts and I wondered what your morning was like. Did you celebrate Christmas? Did you have a tree? Did you receive any presents? Did you know the story of Jesus' birth?
I want you to know that not a single day goes by that I do not wonder about you. I wonder what you look like, what you like to play, what your favorite food is, what is your favorite color, what does your laugh sound like, do you like to sleep with a nightlight on? Oh so much of this is meaningless, but I still wonder.
There is so much that I cannot wait to share with you. I cannot wait to see what dynamic you bring to our family. I cannot wait to provide you with unconditional love and security.
I do not know where you are coming from or when we will meet you, but I am ready to walk beside you (and carry you if necessary) through whatever lies ahead.
You are loved beyond measure.
And so tonight, as always, I send you hugs and kisses and I pray that you are protected by His angels.
For now, my little one, goodnight.

No More Just Motions

It has been awhile since I have posted, I know. There is so much that I have been thinking lately and I have not had much time to write.
I am realizing that they way I want to be is not the way I am. The life that I want to have is not the one I am living. More importantly I wonder if it lines up with what God wants for me.
I started the year off feeling so close to God and loved, loved the feeling that he was right beside me... that I could turn and talk to Him any time (and I did) and He was right there. I felt truly in His presence and in relationship with Him. But somewhere along the line I let our relationship go.
I know God is still standing beside me, I see Him daily as I am surrounded by His blessings, yet I have let this relationship become one-sided. I have not invested into our relationship lately.
So as I look forward to the close of one year and the beginning of another I seek to stop going through the motions and live.
One of my new favorite songs is The Motions by Matthew West-
"This might hurt, It's not safe, but I know that I've gotta make a change, I don't care if I break, at least I'll be feeling something, 'cause just ok is not enough. Help me fight through the nothingness of life, I don't wanna go through the motions, I don't wanna go one more day without your all consuming passion inside of me. I don't want to spend my whole life asking- What if I had given everything? Instead of going through the motions."
I desire to be the Sarah that God wants me to be. I desire to feel truly in His presence and fulfilling His purpose for me in this life. I desire to live. Truly living in each day.

Peace. Soon. Please

I am searching for peace in this mess with Ben's infections. (Sadly Ben's Achilles tendon surgery has resulted in two infections, medications, and bed rest.) I was chatting with a good friend last night and she mentioned Job. Even more so, I cannot imagine how he managed through all of his trials.
I feel so far from peace. I really do feel like Jesus is right next to me yet I cannot reach him. I suppose I could be inflicting this on myself, but I feel removed. That there is this barrier between us. I know we are surrounded in prayer and love, yet I feel distant from the Comforter.
I tried to sing praises in church, yet all I could do was cry.
I am broken. I want to be strong, have confidence that He is in control, and able to accept the recovery period with grace, yet I am empty.
So please, God, please send me peace. soon. please.