It's the End of the World as I Know It...

It's the end of the world as I know it...and I am trying to feel fine.

The past several years have been a consistent transition of things in my world. Because of an unexpected blessing I was able to take 2012 off from working and thought I would spend a lot of time investing in myself--doing things to develop my mind, heart, and body.

I did do things occasionally for myself. I saw more of the world than ever, found time to read, gave myself a respite of saying no to every opportunity, and began to enjoy singing and playing music again. There were weeks when I was attuned to life and enjoyed it immensely. And there were weeks when I crashed and slept; where worries crept in and my way of coping was to not.

Time invested was not always helping me to grow or develop, but to replenish a depleted me. I feel as though I have had time to recover and heal and am both afraid and antsy for what's next.

So as 2012 comes to a close and I am starting to work again, I am mindful of how easy it is to lose oneself in the midst of every day life. As I was thinking about how to keep balance in life and work and love and kids and marriage and all the other stuff that pulls for our attention, I came across a 21-day "online class" by Molly Mahar (www.stratejoy.com) that helps you develop "clarity about what you are craving for 2013."

I am excited to do this and map out 2013. Not too be confined to plans or a timeline, but to have a clear picture of things I would like to accomplish for me personally on a spiritual, intellectual, physical, financial, and emotional level.

I envision myself as the best me that I can be. Enjoying the journey of making my life all that I believe I was designed to be.

The Honeymoon is Over

This week the honeymoon is officially over.

Mike and I have been blessed with an enormous amount of time together to celebrate life as newlyweds. This involved my three blessings adjusting to life on Tybee and the blending of Mike's three kids into our "Brady Bunch."

We are starting a new business (www.letustellit.com) which is starting to take off and our days at home together are ending. We knew this time would come, but that does not make it any easier.

Mike and I are literally passing each other on or way to-and-from town all week this week. We usually have our weekends together, but he is meeting a beloved friend for a boys weekend while I cheer on Laurel's soccer team in their tournament this weekend. This is the first time (besides a funeral I attended for two days in NYC) that we will be apart. Truth be told, I already dread it. There is the potential that we will be apart the following weekend too.

I know that we were gifted with lots of time and am thankful for that. I also know that as the girls get older our weekends apart will likely be more (after all I am married to a die-hard season ticket holder for UGA).

Sure in the grand scheme of life this is all minor stuff, but change is never easy.

Actually, most of us fear change. The comfort of what we know often paralyzes us to move forward. We remain transfixed in a state of what is instead of embracing the thought of what could be.

We all have hopes and dreams of what we want to try, where we would like to work, where we want to live, what differences we want to make in the world. We put off becoming all that we could be for the future because there isn't time now, or we do not have the money, or because we have kids.

We often always concoct a reason for why not now won't work; instead of finding or own why not way.

There are countless examples of people that we sit in awe of who have dared to live the life they imagined. They started out no different from you and I. I believe that we are all blessed with a crazy, wonderful, wild adventure, yet few of us ever come close to living it out.

My personal prayer is that I do not arrive at my grace safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside in a cloud of smoke, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming, "Wow! What a ride!"

Find one small thing you desire to try and do it. It is not a matter of accomplishing all the big things at once but taking small steps forward. There are things that you desire to do. There are changes you desire to make. There are experiences you desire to have. There are places you desire to live. There are jobs you desire to hold. There is a life you desire to live. Why not now?

How Do You Work From Home?

"Well, your door is not shut," I exclaimed to Mike the other day as I had something I needed to tell him at that moment.

We are adapting to working from home, together. Our red room extends into the living room, dining room and kitchen area in a very open layout with over sized doorways (with no doors) into each room. Mike has always preferred to work on the back deck; or when it is too cold in the kitchen. I somehow overtook the desk in the red room and now use that as my office space.

I am still finding my rhythm of working from home. After the two and a half hours in the morning of getting the girls ready for school and to school, I arrive back home at 9 to start my day. By this time Mike, who took Maddie to school at 7:15 a.m., is already writing his daily blog (http://micheal-elliott.blogspot.com/).

Mondays are the hardest because everything I didn't do on the weekend, I always tell myself I can do on Monday....but...finally around noon I am ready to start doing things and it starts with lunch. Soon after that it is off to get the girls and take Cassidy to gymnastics. So work and housework never really seem to happen on Monday.

A regret filled Monday night leaves me working way past bedtime to catch up and Tuesdays begins with a great gusto of "I am ready!"

For awhile I will find my momentum and get many things done. Often as I find my groove, Mike decides it is time to come and give me a kiss. I stay focused on the computer and work as he tries to persuade me otherwise.

"Umm...didn't you see my door was closed," I often say to him as we both laugh.

I consider it a great blessing to be able to work from home running our own business
(http://www.letustellit.com/)  but it is also one of the hardest adjustments. Living five blocks from the beach doesn't help either. But who gets to do this?

Mike and I are creating a life that we both desire to have.

I am now living out my dream of working from home and being my own boss. Yet, it is scary and thrilling as most dreams-turned-into-reality are.

"The rhythm of a work routine from home will come," I tell myself as the sun bounces shadows across my desk from the palm tree dancing outside my "office" window.  The reflections on my desk make me look at my two to-do lists. The longer list being longterm items; the other today's list.

Seeing that five of eight things  are completed on today's list, I think it is time to check on Mike. Looks like his office door is open....

My Confession

There comes a point in life when you realize that no matter how hard you try for something, some things just will never be the way you imagined. I like to believe we can all really reach our dreams of work, love, family...and yet the sad reality is that we can try and fail, give and give...and still what we thought never happens.

The family you dreamt of is shattered by years of infertility and loss. The one you pledged to love fails to respect the special bond you should share. The perfect job is downsizing and your are blindsided when your name is on the list. The safety net you planned is drained by medical bills. The retirement account you established is now pulled to cover today's bills.

Our days are filled with countless disappointments.

Lately, I am trying to wrap my head around several things. Some are directly related to me; others to those I love dearly. It all just does not make sense.

For a pretty positive person, I find myself struggling to count my blessings in the midst of this all. It is hard to accept circumstances when you really thought you (or they) deserved better. It is a process of anger, shock, hurt...until a dull ache remains.

You go through the motions of each day trying to make it better than the last, only to go so far before you are reminded of it all again. Why do bad things happen to good people?

I believe though that we can all grow and change for the better in these times. The sad truth is we cannot make someone else change; even when a small change on their part would greatly alter reality for the better.

So what do we do? How do we accept what is beyond our control? How do we look on the bright side of life when we can't see it?

I know, faith.

Yet, I find that when things happen to me I draw back. I protect myself. I cannot muster even the smallest ounce of faith that things will get better.

I am learning to accept that I may never get the desires of my heart. If I am honest, I don't like it. Of all the good I try to give and love I try to spread, I deserve better, but.....in the end, maybe not having them is better.

That is hard to say. Who wants to think that loss, pain, and hurt are worth something better?

I know I will be okay; and those that I love who are hurting will be okay too..but today, well today....it is one of those times when...the ache weighs heavily in my heart. When I am trying to understand what the now will look like and accept some things just will always be.

So I share this not for sympathy, but to let others know it is okay. We all have our days when we doubt, when we question our reality over what we imagined, when the questions have no answers, when we struggle to find faith.

There is no shame in admitting that we falter. In fact I think it is healthier to admit that we struggle than to appear perfect. So I make my confession.