Choosing My Joie de Vivre

Change is hard.

Whether it is forced upon us or chosen, it is hard.  

That's why most of us stay.

Stay in unhappy situations.

Settle for passionless jobs.

Remain in unfulfilled or abusive relationships.

Live in the confines of what's familiar.

A few years ago that was me.

On the outside I had it all.

On the inside I was a shell.

Emotional battles raged.

I could please everyone else or choose my own happiness.

Seems selfish right?

But the truth is we have to take care of ourselves first, so we can take care of others and serve our purpose in this world.

Most of us have this backwards.

We do it all for others leaving nothing left to give ourselves.

So I chose me.

I left the comfort of the familiar neighborhood.

I left a failed relationship in my marriage.

I left my dream house.

I left a dog I loved.

And then other loses came.

A job ended.

Family and friends disappeared.

Health and dental insurance was lost.

When I chose me....I had no idea how much loss I would suffer.

It was painful.

Sometimes I still mourn things.

Pieces of my heart are still broken.

Perhaps some could have been done differently to not have some much pain received in such a short period of time, but I've never been one to do things half-hearted.

So I forged forward.

Living in a stripped down version of the life I craved to get to the life I was suppose to have.

My future was a a blank canvas with tons of unknowns.

And then I found love in the most unlikely of places.

And I have never known the depth of love like this.

Many things are still unknown or don't make sense.

Yet we both believe in each other.
 
That God had a hand in all of this.

And the long journey of pain, was worth it.

Every day is not easy.

Fears still exist.

Pains still linger.

But I know all of that was worth it to get to all of this.
 
And I don't regret the rain 
Or the nights I felt the pain
Or the tears I had to cry
Some of those times along the way
Every road I had to take
Every time my heart would break
It was just something that I had to get through
To get me to you, To get me to you 
And if I could I wouldn't change a thing...

Sex...The Topic Most Avoid

I have wanted to write this blog for a long time, but every time the words come our condemning and that is not my intention. So I write my heart, knowing this may not sit well with some and apologizing for any I offend ahead of time.

There has been a lot of bloggers, specifically moms, blogging about girls and/or their daughters and how we need to be careful that our girls are not giving the wrong message to boys. Don't post your pictures they are too provocative, don't be friends with boys they only want sex, don't want to dance with boys or you will become a whore, you only need to be around "Godly" boys. I could go on and on, but won't. Worse, most of these blogs slap on a Bible verse, often taken out of context, but fitted in to make their point.

I would love to sit down and have a conversation with each of these moms to understand their viewpoint better. And to have them define terms like "Godly" that they toss around as if it has a universal meaning.  And to talk about scripture as a whole.

As a mother of three daughters I find these blogs disturbing.

Women are still being blamed. And this is damaging our girls/daughters.

I want my girls to develop to become all that they are. To feel beautiful from within. To not fear men. To not fear sex or their own sexuality.

"We just want out daughter's to be 'good' girls right? But does good include denying sexual feelings? Denying one's sexuality is a denial of the body itself and in this way, discourages self-control. That's why it's so important that we teach our daughters to love and respect their sexuality, as well as every other aspect of their bodies."- Brenda Richardson

Of course I do not want my daughters to be promiscuous and I pray every day they marry someone who is loving, honest, faithful, fulfilling, honoring, and challenging (here is where I leave off the generic "Godly" term.) I pray they do not marry someone that makes them feel used and expects and demands sex because they are married.

After all, the Bible says: "How beautiful and pleasant you are, O loved one, with all your delights. Your stature is like a palm tree and your breasts are like its clusters. I say I will climb the palm tree and lay hold of its fruit." Song of Solomon 7:6-8

Why do we continue to teach our girls/daughters that sex is bad, yet yearn for them to have an emotionally and physically satisfying marriage?

Where we are lacking is in teaching our kids (boys and girls) about healthy relationships. Relationships among peers of both genders. Learning how to develop respect for themselves and others. Learning how to be confident in their convictions and beliefs.

We often lock them into a world filled with "you can't do this or that..."

But they do anyway.

And they hide it from us.

I was one of those kids. Only allowed to date when I was 16 and only "Christian" boys. Yet, it was those "Godly Christian" boys who were practicing how to have a submissive spouse with me.

So I am trying to raise my girls to be confident in who they are, discovering the gifts God has blessed them with, able to ask me anything (and they do....as semen and blue balls was a recent topic of discussion), that not only "Christian" boys are good, and to not be afraid to develop their sensual side.

It's time we stop placing blame on a gender. Especially our own gender, Moms.

Perhaps my prayers now extend beyond my own daughters and to a mass of girls still confined to a damaging viewpoint of the beautiful, strong, smart, and sexual beings God created them to be.

Still Divorcing the Past

I am painting our red room red. Taking the dull faded paint of years gone by and repainting it shiny, bright and new. I enjoy things like this so am taken completely off guard when my mind starts reminding me of not so happy things.

Things I buried, but have not dealt with. And I have the urge to write it out, but am torn between sharing my heart and not offending others. It's a fine line easily crossed.

Much like painting I covered parts of my past with this wonderful "new" life I have been blessed  with.

But I know one of my struggles is forgiveness.

Letting go of painful things others have said or done to me.

So when I was going through my divorce...I was told...

"This is not allowed, you need to fix it..."

"Just be more submissive..."

"You alone caused all this..."

"You won't be loved..."

"You'll never be happy again..."

"You'll only be used by other men in the future..."

"You are damaging your girls for life..."

"No-one will take care of you..."

"You are a sinner..."

I was doomed to hell.

And I sat there letting my (Christian) friends and family throw stones at me.

Until my silence caused some to just delete me from their lives.

I was no longer an aunt, sister, best friend, in-law.

I still grieve these losses.

They still sting.

I was far from perfect, but so were they.

I never put them aside.

And I suppose that is where I struggle.

Blaming myself for my own made-up reasons of why things were said or people left me.

But the truth is, much of what was said were the same reasons that led to the divorce.

Change and growth are often hard.

More often on others, than on the one growing and changing.

It's time though.

Time that I find the strength to let these things go.

To let go of the hold toxic people have on me, so that I can fully enjoy now.

Choosing Me

He sits across from me at the kitchen table, "You are still divorcing yourself from the past..."

Obviously!

You cannot take years and years of things and poof they disappear.

Well maybe you can, but I can't.

I don't live in the past, but there are still things I am trying to reconcile.

To learn from.

To forgive.

It's obvious I lack the grace to just let the pains inflicted where there should have been love just be.

I wouldn't trade the scars for today.

But there are things I need to understand in my heart.

There are things I need to caress until I am able to say okay, I will never know that answer.

More importantly I need to forgive myself.

I believe with everything in me that I am exactly where I should be and most of the time I live that way.

But there are moments that I think...yeah...this is all to good to be true. I don't deserve this. I shut off emotions only accepting the love I think I deserve. Sometimes that's not much.

I am more hurt by the fact that I allowed myself to become less than me. That instead of believing in myself, I believed what others thought and lived a life trying to be worthy of their love.

I was perfect, but never good enough.

Until I know longer knew who I was.

And the person in the mirror possessed someone who didn't belong.

A carbon copy of expectations met to please others.

So I started finding myself.

And the me I started becoming suffered even more than the "perfect me." 

I felt trapped.

Bitter.

Angry.

Unworthy.

My choice...continue living a life that others wanted me to have to please them even though there was no love, or choose me.

I chose me.

And I am still learning to love myself.

Discovering the wonderfully weird and adventurous me that existed before, again. 

Learning to accept love for who I am.

Knowing that even if I ever stand alone again, the person in the mirror will be me.