My Wishes

Star light, star bright, first star I see tonight….

Stringy blond haired and blue-eyed little me would sit at my windowsill each night, wishing.

As I got older I would sit, hoping.

And now I sit, praying.

My life journey has not gone as planned at all.

My dream of working in marketing for a sports team I gave up when I got married the first time.

The job offer was there from an NFL team, but I chose marriage and then a baby carriage, and another and another.

And what could have been a wildly successful career was replaced by a Love, and a Grace and a Joy that are my three greatest creations.

My life was steady, but a relationship began failing, and so I chose to give more of myself away and become a foster mom.

This mother of three became a mother of seven overnight.

My heart learned a depth of evil of others in the world that I still cannot talk about.  

Yet I grew in love towards a son and three daughters who confirmed family is not simply blood.

And when they left, the reality of what wasn’t there still existed.

I tried all I could to make it right, but I lost to a depression that refused to allow the other to see what needed to be done.

Still a hope existed when I got the permission to move back to be near the beach.

A dream I never gave up.

But temporary happiness was fleeting and divorce soon came and I was left alone.

I had my dream house, three beautiful girls, and a job I loved.

Until my job became restrictive and evil people of power threatened me.

So I hid.

My heart was bursting in love that I could not share.

And I felt pushed back into a shell of what I should be.

Until one day enough was enough.

I would not live like this.

And that cost me my job.

So an unlikely match to the world was formed and I married a man who holds my heart.

Time and money were our friend and we took advantage of it all.

Until it ran out.

And new creative endeavors never took off.

But happiness overflows in two once broken hearts that constantly explode like fireworks of their first kiss.

Yet, I know my plans are little compared to what lies ahead.

So…I wish I may, I wish I might…NOT have the wish I wish tonight. 

Good Friday

"HI, I’m Sarah…”I said reaching out to shake her hand.

Slowly she reaches out her hand and took mine while her mouth drops open.

“That was my mom’s name,” she whispers to herself.

Guiding her back to my office I ask her for her name.

She sits in my office with the deer in the headlight look.

I wait as she seems eager to say something, but cannot find the words.

“I was my mother’s caregiver for years,” she says with a fierce strength in her eyes.

“And she passed away three months ago, “Her mouth remains open to continue, but silence comes.

Her fingers dance amongst themselves as her eyes break the strength they tried to hold, and tears come.

“It’s just so hard and no one understands. We were so close. I just….”

And she lets herself cry.

“I know there are no words to describe how it feels when you were so needed and loved, and suddenly that feels gone,” I say.

She glares at me and I know that while I have not embraced her physically, I have embraced her hurt.

“We all have an internal desire to be needed and loved, but most of us go through life feeling empty and unused,” I continue.

She nods in fierce agreement.

“And oh how special and indescribable it is when we fill those pieces of ourselves. And how lost we feel when we lose that.”

Her smile hugs me.

We go on to have a fabulous discussion about how she wants to volunteer.

She needs to be around others, giving of herself, sharing and receiving joy. Feeling wanted. Needed. Appreciated.

Her needs are not much different than my own.

Few ever take the steps to find this fulfillment.

They get lost in meaningless relationships keeping a waning glimmer of maybe, the find safety in the familiar, they fail to see their gifts.

She doesn’t want to leave, but she doesn’t want to keep me either.

“You know, I was just in the area and thought I would stop over here to see how I could volunteer,” she says gathering her things.

“And then you come out and your name is the same as my mother’s.”

I walk her to the door and she turns around, “It’s never a coincidence is it?” I say.

She smiles and I know. Her Sarah has touched this moment. This day.

And she is taking all the pain of her loss and turning it into joy by giving of herself to help others.

Can it be any better?

Dear My Micheal

I didn’t know what I was singing up for. Not that it would have changed anything. I’m crazy enough to have married a rock star.

And it’s hard to share.

A humble man, just trying to be a beach bum is forever bombarded with other’s needs.

His success follows him and people expect great things.

And he will give it all.

Now before you think I am selfish- I am not. I am a giver, but I learned to set boundaries because I became depleted before. And so has he.

So I am over protective of him.

And of us.

And of our time.

It took half of my lifespan to get to him. And It’s unknown how much is left.

I have never met anyone that loves everyone the way he does.

Even those that took it all from him, he rarely casts a negative stone.

He is a friend to all and lots consider him their best friend.

Many emulate him.

But he is also just one man.

With six kids who adore him.

A cat he swore he’ d never own that sleeps at his feet.

A Little Gay Dog that prances in love.

And a Goddess, who helped hold his heart.

Most of our days are glorious, but we both carry scars.

And insecurities sometimes get the best of us.

Allowing others to take our joy.

Because they envy what we have.

And think they are on equal footing.

But they are looking at the rock star and not the man.

A distinction few understand.

And while many cling to you as their anything.

You are my everything.

Just Bent

Are you there God?

Predisposed to anger I am trying to take all the pent up frustrations of this week and use them for positive.

Which is why I scrubbed the bathroom floors and baseboards on my hands and knees, organized my kitchen cupboards, alphabetized the spices, cleaned, ran, cleaned, wrote letters, etc.

Returning from a glorious vacation I was snapped back into reality when I realized my renter had fled the state and left his girlfriend squatting at my rental house.

Which is trashed.

Advised to take the high road and give her time to get her stuff out...only made me more frustrated.

I am tired of adults not being held accountable for their actions. Why can she live there rent free for two weeks?

Sometimes it sucks being a nice person. We always seem to get screwed.

So the added expense of un-budgeted/unexpected repairs lands on top of a dwindling checking
account.

Of course, this comes right after the blow that I didn't get the job I really wanted. Not even a second interview.

And the news is flooded with parents intentionally leaving their kids in hot cars and the kid dies. Yet I have several friends mourning losses of babies they briefly held or can never have.

So God, I know all the verses I am to repeat to myself...for my light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all...

But God, why?

Why do bad things happen to good people?

I use to be under the illusion that it was punishment for sins, but I don't think you really are like that.

Make your face shine on your servant, save me with your steadfast love....

See the verses aren't helping me because I'm struggling to believe them at this moment. I'm just uttering the words.

It's not just one thing, but a lot rests unsettled in my heart. A lot thrown at me in the past few weeks.

I'm not broken, just bent.

Bent towards cynical thinking, unfairness to those who do good.

I know it's not my place to judge, but God seriously you know the people I am talking about and I just don't get it.

So, I know you are there. And I know you are listening. And I know you feel my heart. And I know you see my weakness of anger.And I know you see the hurt.

But I'm trying.... Can you give me a little nod?