More Than Just the Blue Birds

Somewhere over the rainbow echoes in my head as I learn the news of yet another friend passing unexpectedly.

Shock is the state I am sitting in thinking this is some horrible joke.

Yet, the reality of the preciousness of life is all too familiar.

Cancer, miscarriages, sudden spinal infections resulting in paralysis, accidents, heart attacks bombard my world with sadness.

Leaving my mind unable to form coherent sentences beyond the exclaimed huh!?!

Time goes buzzing bye as most of us remain settled in the life of status quo.

Getting by resting on our laurels.

Dying long before we take our last breath.

Pacifying ourselves that if only we had more time or if only we had more money.

Waiting for the magical age of retirement that seems to increase in years as the economy spirals downwards and jobs disappear.

You know what?

You’ll never have it all.

The perfect combination of what you think you need to have it all will turn into something more as you get closer to it.

That’s your fear pushing you away.

Because it’s all too much to handle.

You don’t deserve it.

It’s all just a stupid dream anyway.

Self-depreciation leaves us wishing for something more.

I was on that same path once.

I made a written bucket list of things I wanted to experience before I died.

And set out to do one a year.

But everything else got in the way and money was never there.

And then my friends, my young friends, starting getting terminal diseases.

And deaths were too frequent.

So my before I kicked the bucket list seemed dismal.

Each day became a little more precious.

And I cut out all the busyness of what others wanted from me.

And took the time and used some money to start investing in me.

Finding my joie de vivre (joy of life).

Checking things off that list more than once a year.

My whole perspective in life shifting to be more in line with why I’m here.

This is all we got.

Are you enjoying your life?

This life?

The here and the now?

Because I’m sure that Heaven is beautiful.

But I’m also sure that before we touch those blue skies, the dreams that you dare to dream can come true.

Stop the why then oh why can't I?

Because, you know what, you can.

What my Heart Needs to Say

I found pictures today of friends I once had. Who meant the world to me. 

And it's hurtful. Because I feel like I didn't do what they wanted so they left our friendship.

When Micheal and I starting realizing there was more than a friendship between us and marriage was ahead...there should have been joy.

Yet from the eight people who celebrated with us, there were ten times the amount who didn't.

She's after your money, he's after your youth.

He'll ruin your girls, she has three kids you're past that point in your life.

She is not Southern. He is not a Christian.

You'll have six kids, it won't work.

Don't marry her. Don't marry him.

A bucketful of dismal sentiments dumped on two recovering hearts believing in a love they began to feel.

Micheal has always forged his own path, but I had not. 

I strove to walk the straight and narrow of what was right in the eyes of the small world I lived.

So when we talked of marriage, it wasn't me pushing him ( yeah I know that surprises some of you naysayers)!

And as my world got smaller and smaller, I realized that most of the relationships I had were based on me doing what others wanted.

Because when I didn't listen to them, they disappeared.

So this straight and narrow small world I lived in became a solo journey of me.

I was forced to listen to myself.

To dig deep into my being and make a decision for me.

I felt selfish. 

I knew what my heart was telling me. Which was not what my head was telling me.

But defying all logic I went for it.

I can still hear the haunted gasps of those who left me.

Just give it a few months and it'll end. It won't last. The age difference.

All these things the world looks at is not what I know.

What I know is that I am married to a man who loves me at a depth I am not capable of accepting fully yet. Because I've never been loved like this.

I am married to a man who has grown to love my three little blessings as if they are his own.

I am married to a man who sits and listens to my rages of anger as another layer of protection falls away from a once broken heart in healing.

I am married to a man who is forever young while I grow older.

I am married to a man who does not recognize he has already given me the world. 

Every single day, every day, I thank God that I was brave enough to listen to me.

That I found a strength in myself to do what I felt was right.

For when the world judged without knowing, it was so very wrong.

There will always be those who have their opinions. 

And I know it hurts.

But if I had to stand alone again to get to here, I would.

Rare is it that we see the true gift of what we have until it's gone. 

Yet some how I am blessed to experience it every single day.

A Touch of a Holy Night

She shines like a star behind moving clouds as the street light flickers off and on, illuminating her figure every other second.

Her backdrop is a red brick wall turned gray by the night and she appears as though a ghost.

Somewhere in the distance a dog barks, yet her feet shuffle in their own singsong dance.

While her knotted lace shawl adds a touch of exquisiteness to her being.

And something glitters brightly on her left hand.

It’s an odd sight for this time of night.

Is she lost? And where is she going?

Not wanting to cause her alarm, I drive past.

Glancing in my rear view mirror, I see her turn.

And I stop.

I park my car and begin a tiptoe journey to spy on her.

For a moment she stops and looks around alarmed.

I pause and hide behind nothing by the night.

She resumes her shuffling

I follow on tiptoes.

When she enters the graveyard, I stop.

And I understand.

Tempted to follow, I decide to let her be.

This is their moment.

And I am a unwanted spectator.

I tiptoe back to  my car.

And my heart hurts for the grief she carries.

And my heart marvels at the love she still gives.

My radio beams…silent night, holy night…

And though I have not witnessed the birth of a baby in a manger,

I have seen glories stream from heaven above.

My Wishes

Star light, star bright, first star I see tonight….

Stringy blond haired and blue-eyed little me would sit at my windowsill each night, wishing.

As I got older I would sit, hoping.

And now I sit, praying.

My life journey has not gone as planned at all.

My dream of working in marketing for a sports team I gave up when I got married the first time.

The job offer was there from an NFL team, but I chose marriage and then a baby carriage, and another and another.

And what could have been a wildly successful career was replaced by a Love, and a Grace and a Joy that are my three greatest creations.

My life was steady, but a relationship began failing, and so I chose to give more of myself away and become a foster mom.

This mother of three became a mother of seven overnight.

My heart learned a depth of evil of others in the world that I still cannot talk about.  

Yet I grew in love towards a son and three daughters who confirmed family is not simply blood.

And when they left, the reality of what wasn’t there still existed.

I tried all I could to make it right, but I lost to a depression that refused to allow the other to see what needed to be done.

Still a hope existed when I got the permission to move back to be near the beach.

A dream I never gave up.

But temporary happiness was fleeting and divorce soon came and I was left alone.

I had my dream house, three beautiful girls, and a job I loved.

Until my job became restrictive and evil people of power threatened me.

So I hid.

My heart was bursting in love that I could not share.

And I felt pushed back into a shell of what I should be.

Until one day enough was enough.

I would not live like this.

And that cost me my job.

So an unlikely match to the world was formed and I married a man who holds my heart.

Time and money were our friend and we took advantage of it all.

Until it ran out.

And new creative endeavors never took off.

But happiness overflows in two once broken hearts that constantly explode like fireworks of their first kiss.

Yet, I know my plans are little compared to what lies ahead.

So…I wish I may, I wish I might…NOT have the wish I wish tonight.