It is Well, It is Well With My Soul

"When peace, like a river, attendeth my way, When sorrows like sea billows roll, Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say, It is well, it is well, with my soul."

So begins my favorite hymn.

I love to sing and will often sing along to whatever is on the radio. Yet several years ago I started to become really conflicted in worship while singing. So much that I would often not be able to sing certain songs without crying or even to the point where I could not sing the words. How can I stand there and sing "It is well with my soul," when it was not.

Sometimes singing turned into prayers--"Please, make it well with my soul."

Of course I was embarrassed to share this, so I often tried to hide it. Accepting the inner prompting of "what would others think?" as a negative. Hiding me.

What I have come to realize though is that often this is not exclusive to worship. Settling for accepting "what would others think," often leads to false happiness and dead dreams. Accepting the world we live in defined by self imposed boundaries often at the expense of ourselves.

God has designed each of us so intricately unique, so why should we become a cookie cutter image of someone else?

"One of the greatest joys in life is finding out who God made you to be, with all your personality quirks and loving it. Often when we arrive at adulthood, get married or settle into a career, we abandon parts of who we are. You might be a high-heeled girl or a flip-flop woman. Too often as we grow, we conform too much. Part of conformity is necessary to meet job requirements. Where we lose the wonder of who we are, though, is when we conform to be just like others because we are afraid to be different." (Shelia Walsh)

It is not about be bold or daring, self absorbed or vain, but finding true peace in seeing yourself as you are. Loving yourself so that you can in turn love others. Letting go of what you think the world needs and embracing your God given passions and desires and becoming alive.

It is a journey and I am choosing to grab on for the ride of my life. Moving closer and closer to the me that God made me to be. Accepting the bumps along the way, seeking forgiveness, crying out in despair, letting go, loving, discovering truth. Constantly resting in the peace that comes from understanding whatever my lot, it is undoubtedly well with my soul.

Finding My Norm

“Norm!” everyone at the bar would exclaim, when he walked into Cheers. I remember watching this show as a kid thinking how cool it was that everyone always greeted Norm. Announcing his arrival; validating his existence.

I have searched for this similar belonging, wanting to “go where everybody knows my name,” only to but up my own boundaries when others got too close.

I have adapted myself to meet the expectations of others, or my own perceived expectations they had, only to realize that I still could not measure up.

I have thrown myself into countless good deeds, because it was the right thing to do.

I have given what I thought was needed; realizing I never truly listened to the need.

I have loved conditionally.

I have…. And my list could go on and on.

The truth is I have done some great things, but not always with the right heart motive. Only until I started to love myself as God does, albeit a fraction of how He does, was I able to truly grasp the belonging. I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Designed in His image. My quirks, my imperfections, often magnified as faults, were merely how I chose to view myself and my response to those often belittled who I was.

Embracing the journey of becoming me has resulted in recognizing the simple joy moments of each day. Finding that blessings abound and open to receiving the love that comes from seeing that there really are others who are truly “always glad you came.”

In Processing

I have spent much time "in processing." Our foster children moved to a new foster home at the end of September and I have spent the past few weeks trying to settle back into normal. Over the course of the last 3 years, we have had different people live in our house that being just the 5 of us has not happened for awhile.
The experience of foster parenting was wild! I think I need more time before I can fully reflect on everything. There are things that I may never be able to say and yet so much I will need to share. What a journey.
I say that I am in detox now (not that I have firsthand experience in that), but going from a whirlwind high, nonstop, constant loud, always on mindset and day to quiet and reflection, has caused an emotional and physical letdown.
No matter where I end up in my processing, my greatest wish is that I was able to give the kids hope: That they felt loved, that they saw a different way of life, and that they felt safety and peace.