Who are you Screwing?

A horrible fallacy lies in the saying "sticks and stones may break my bones, but names will never hurt me."

When I went through my divorce I got the nastiest emails from my loving Christian friends. Sticks and stones of bitter anger thrown at me labeling me with names. I was doomed to hell. 

I felt unlovable.

Dirty.

Judged.

Condemned.

Few loved me when I was "unclean" to them. 

The thread hair belief I had left in organized religion finally snapped. 

I wanted to throw my own sticks and stones right back on them. For years, I held their shared secret hurts and wounds in silence.

But I couldn't. 

My emotional strength was gone.

I harbor hate that I am trying to let go. I need to find a way to do this.

See names do more than hurt...they scar.

If you could see my heart there are a thousands scars tightly embedded that sometimes glisten so bright they sometimes easily cloud the good.

But I choose to not focus on the hate, but use it to help others who are making a change.

In a way it's the ultimate "screw you!"

Using my own wounds to passionately help others propel themselves through change.

To guide and protect them on their journey.

Because NO ONE deserves to be scarred for being what or who they are designed to be.

Change is often a solo journey.

With others laughing or mocking you as you evolve.

Because their own fears cloud their belief that you could be better off in a different job, living someplace else, not married to their son.

And you continue to move forward, and they continue to feel left behind.

But that's their choice.

And then one day you realize you finally feel at home.

You are where you are suppose to be, doing what you were meant to do, living with whom you heart was meant to love. 

And it looks a whole lot different than you ever imagined. 

And they still can't figure it out.

In fact, you scare them. 

Because you did something so many desire but never do.

You choose to live your life for you.

And sometimes the past haunts the present and you kick and scream it away.

Because the beauty of the life you have now really is your heaven on earth.

It took a walk through hell to get here, the loss of familiar things, a breaking free of family and friends, going against the common way of thought,..but there is no other place I'd rather be then where I am today.

Your world is full of others who want you to be something for them, but what is it you want to be? To do? How do you want to live?

You already know these answers. 

You have your reasons for not doing them.

I know what they are.

But, I also know you don't have to live a life less than you desire. 

And I pray this year you at least take one small step forward. 

Trust me, it is so worth it! 

And when others start to question you, to call you names---just call me.

Who really wants to stand in an oversized net with balls being kicked at them from every angle?

The soccer season ended with both her arms wrapped in casts. Perhaps a better story could have been told, but the truth was her Bolivian soccer coach had done this during a practice. A dive the wrong way by her and the strength and precision of a professional soccer players kick had this end result.

But the season was over and she could heal.

Indoor practices began and every one on the team took turns being goalie.

This was not a favored position. Who really wants to stand in an over sized net with balls being kicked at them from every angle?

After several practices he came up to her and said, "Sarah, I want you to think about being our goalie for the next season."

My blue eyes threw all sorts of trashy thoughts his way. Images of her broken arms stuck in my head. A crazy spiral of my own personal destruction played through my mind.

His hand rested on my forearm, bringing me back to the present.

"I believe that you can do this Sarah! I know you are afraid, but you are strong. Just think about it."

I would end up having one successful career as goalie the next season (we moved to NY the following year). Minus breaking all of my fingers at different times, I suffered from no other injuries.

I still have the write-ups from the newspaper about me. They remind me that when I put my mind to something, regardless of how scary it can be, great things can happen.

Looking back most of my greatest moments have resulted in letting go of fear.

My relationship with God started out of my fear of burning in hell. But like anything rooted in fear it was doomed to fail. Until I learned that God is full of love and grace for me.

Letting go of the comfort of a safe community and moving to the city has filled my once predictable daily existence with wonderment.

Choosing to work for myself from home without the security of a steady paycheck has broadened my skill set and I create things I never knew I could.

Learning to not worry about what others think about me has brought an inner beauty and peace.

Marrying one who many warned me not to continues to flood my life with love I never imagined.

I made a choice to follow my heart, to listen to myself, to believe, to let go of other's chatter that fueled my own fears and what has become is extraordinary.

Looking down at my crooked finger's typing these words, I smile. Knowing that Javier's belief in me touched me deeper than just soccer. I learned to believe in myself.

There is something you want to do today, tomorrow, or next year. You know what it is, but fear holds you back. How...lingers in your head while your heart screams but what if...

"I believe that you can do this! I know you are afraid, but you are strong. Just think about it."

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All Too Familiar

If I gave up every time my head told me I couldn't, I would be nowhere.

It is so easy to get discouraged. To stop trying. To give up.

Years ago I was trapped in a world I saw no way out of. The thought of what the future held paralyzed me. I admitted defeat and accepted that the life I desired to have would never be.

I made the best of where I was- career wise, relationship wise, monetarily. Bitterness set in to my heart and I was defeated. Anger engulfed my being.

My self esteem plummeted and my dreams were stifled.

I became like the majority.

I watched as others changed to embrace their world. I stood by and criticized them because I was jealous.

Temporary fixes of goodness band-aided what I craved.

Until that too lost luster and I was defeated and bitter and angry, yet again.

Eventually, I lost me.

Until one day a small glimmer of hope came in the form of a move. To a new place, a new career. I clung to that like a baby to its mother.

I feared it was a joke.

Leaving the familiar and venturing forward was scary. My heart longed for the familiar even though it wasn't what I wanted, but the comfort almost enticed me to stay.

But I didn't and that has made all the difference.

Deep inside myself is a passion to help others- not only because I believe we should all live the lives we desire- but because I was there; and I know.

I see too much of the old me in too many of the people I know.

Growth can be painful, but God it is worth it!

So while I am not sure just how all that Mike and I do with www.meellc.com is going to work out, I believe in what we are doing from a personal agenda.

Because I know that if you are not happy where you are at, there is a way to change it. And I will hold your hand and love you through it all. As will Mike.

And I guarantee that once you invest in yourself, you will wonder why you waited so long.

You cannot change what was, but you can change what will be.

Falling Apart

Six blocks from my driveway the ocean continually kisses the beach while the water caresses the sand.

It is one of the most peaceful places I rarely visit.

Here I am living my dream of residing near the ocean, working from home, being my own boss, and yet I find I have easily slipped back into running around like a chicken with her head cut off.

 Demands of every day life engulf my time and I have a calendar overfilled with commitments.

WHAT?

Endless past weeks running, running, running left me worn out and frustrated.

Crashing on the floor I look at Mike and ask, "How did this happen?"

"I work from home and make my own schedule yet I have no time for myself or the simple pleasures of life. This is not right. Blah...blah...blah..." my outrage continues.

"This is not the life I wanted!" I finally exclaim.

And it isn't.

My shoulders slump and I feel defeated.

I feel exhausted and my lower back pains return. The running on empty me I fought so hard to get over is back. I literally ache.

But, I do not allow myself to stay stuck in despair. I give myself permission to put myself first again; to take care of me.

I spend an hour on Friday looking towards the next week and mapping out an hour a day for me. I vow to take better care of myself, again. I vow to make dates with my friends for fun, again. I vow to slow down enough to see things around me, again.

I forgive myself and return to loving me.

So when I am coming out of a new yoga class this morning and I am not rushing I see beauty.

Fawn colored shoulder length hair hangs tangled around her small head. She wears a short sleeved pale pink smocked dress with ripped lime green tights and tan ballet slippers.

She sits on a yellow plastic swing slightly twisted so her left leg hangs lower than her right. One bow dangles untied on her slippers.

The swing moves gently as if blowing in the calm breeze. Her head rests on her right hand holding onto the swing chain.

"You are my sunshine..." she sings loud and off key, a stark contrast to her serene posture. "My only sunshine..." she continues.

Stopping to listen I cannot see anything in her line of sight that she is singing too, but she is obviously happy in her own world.

I breathe. I feel. I know.

Just last week, and the week before, and the week before that, I missed a lot of this simple beauty moments. The moments that I call heart smiles. The moments when I realize that life is so much larger than my narrow minded view often allows me to see. The moments I believe God blesses me with.

Time is rarely our friend. We always want more of it. We wish for the kids to grow, to make more money, to be thinner, or retirement to come only so we can start living.

I was one of those once; I can easily slip back into that person.

It is a horrible shame when we find ourselves wishing for a life different than the one we have, yet doing nothing to create it. We sit waiting for what we believe is that magical time, or thing, or place. We let living become encumbered with craziness. Until we literally crash.

But, you know what? We don't have to.

This life you have today is not your dress rehearsal. What you do with your today and tomorrow is your choice. You know your desires. You have the strength inside of you to create the life you want.

Listen to your heart and give yourself permission to do one thing it is telling you. To see one beauty it is showing you. To feel one joy it is radiating.

I did. It was spectacular.

And as I turned and got in my car to drive away, I whispered a prayer in unison with the little girl..."please don't take my sunshine away."

The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow

My day did not go as planned. I started off thinking I was giving someone a gift, but did not receive the affirmation I was looking for. I guess it wasn't really a gift if I had expectations. But this started my day off kilter and things just seemed to continue downhill...part of it was I had big plans for my day. None of them seemed to happen.

Sometimes there is nothing else to do but let out a big "ARGH," let it go and just take whatever the rest of the day holds as a gift.

The letting of when things don't go as you hoped...well... I struggle with that.

So I am having Thanksgiving today and continue to prepare the food for those who I am to share this with. My heart is not in it and I just go through the motions.

I am peeling potatoes...thinking of the meal I am preparing for those I love... and thoughts from Ann Voskamp's "One Thousand Gifts" pop into my mind. In the small, menial things, tasks throughout the day.. .give thanks for something. So I start thinking of my girls and the gifts they are....and the others who are coming for dinner and the gifts they are. This brings tears to my eyes and I stop and stare at nothing.

Cass takes me from where I am when she appears by my side holding a blue plastic plate and a play doh birthday cake. "You were feeling sad so I made something for you." I hug her so very tightly.

And so I should be cooking Thanksgiving dinner not out of obligation, but love. So I cook the rest of the meal offering specific thanks for things about those who will share the meal with me tonight. I do love them so.

I am mindful of my dear friend who will have Thanksgiving later this week at a different place while her heart lingers somewhere else. She is a beautiful person who brings such joy to others and yet I do not think she knows just how precious she is. She is discovering it though and I can't wait until she really sees herself as we see her.

I am also mindful of this is a new first for another person and as much as I wanted to give and make it special, I feel I failed. It did not come close to being what I wanted it to be. I settled in a funk for this morning and could not get past the barriers I created. So I cry because the night ended not as it should have and I sit here alone.

"ARGH"

Downstairs I hear the laughter of my three blessings and know that whatever I am feeling, they deserve better. So I pray for inner peace, for a better day tomorrow, for my dear friend and her week, and for one to forgive my failed first.

As another dear friend reminded me earlier today, "The sun will come out tomorrow..." I can't change today, and there were some good and wonderful moments...but I am ready for tomorrow.

FOR ME

As I have gone through some major transitions in my life, I have chosen to not write a lot out of fear of what others would think. Would what I say be offensive? Would others think I am crazy? Would I be judged?

The sad truth is that even while I have not shared my journey, these things have still happened. Regardless, of sharing the truth of my heart, hoping that it may help someone else, I found myself still criticized for things. This only caused a downward spiral into self blame and so I chose to pull myself even tighter (because I was a pretty private person already) and surrounded and protected myself fiercely.

There was one person though, who refused to let me stand alone. Through consistent encouragement and persistent love, I was shown that even though sometimes I could not find words, and the tears would not stop, and my list of faults was endless....that I was valued. In the worst of the worst... I was still valued.

This grew to including a collection of friends---some new, some old---who sat listening, who made me laugh, who encouraged me, who opened their arms and embraced me, who invited me to their homes, who fed me... who filled my heart with hope.

William Bridges in his book "Transitions" writes that, "We have to let go of the old thing before we can pick up the new- not just outwardly, but inwardly, where we keep our connections to the people and places that act as definitions of who we are."

Great comfort is easily found in resting in what we have always known. And as much as I would like a life of great comfort, I cannot grow and become all that I made to be while resting in the familiar. So I have slowly found myself, after a brief period of just managing through each day, letting go so that I am ready.

There are still things I am working through, but I am thankful for those who have loved me unconditionally as I continue to embrace my journey. I thank God every single day for the special collection of friends that I am blessed with and love. Especially the one who despite what I said, knew what was in my heart. Thank you.

It seems so inadequate, but thank you.

Emerging

I have three large blisters, a jammed thumb, skin ripped off my big toe, and my muscles ache. The truth is that I can't remember when the last time was that I was this sore, but felt so good.

In reality much of life is like this. Many times to get where we are suppose to be we must go through so pretty sore moments before emerging.

Change is hard. There is not a ten-step plan that we can check off as we progress. And we fight it. Rationalize it. Resist it. Ignore it. Try to flee.

Until one day we end up broken.

I know of a lady who, in her despair, took her beautiful new Pottery Barn porcelain pitcher and smashed it on the floor. Sounds crazy right? Angry and crying she then proceeded to glue it back together, piece by piece. Cutting her fingers on the broken pieces, getting her fingers stuck in the glue. She kept going until the pieces resembled a pitcher again.

Letting go of pain, forgiving others, forgiving herself, clinging to the grace of our Creator.

We can be broken. Shattered. Scattered. Yet, piece by piece, we are often picked up by others and held back together again. Slowly they help us regain the strength we need until what we are left with are hairline scars of what used to be.

Mended.

The blisters heal, you regain control, the skin grows back, and the soreness subsides. And you realize that you can't remember the last time you ever felt so good.

Change Has Found Me

Ten years ago when we moved back to Houghton, NY I thought we would be here forever. I would have never guessed in college that I would return to Houghton. I always wanted to live near the beach. It took me awhile to come to terms with the fact that I would live in the country, 45 minutes from major restaurants, an hour and a half from a mall, no stoplights, one grocery store, no (besides Subway in recent years) chain restaurants. I never imagined that I would have goats as pets or raise chickens. I never imagined living in a place where you could leave your keys in the car and house unlocked. Where Dan the UPS man and Matt the mailman actually come inside your house to leave your mail/packages on your table.
In the last several years I began to accept that we would be in Houghton for the long haul. I felt that if Ben was content in his job, we would stay here. When my grant funded program ran out, I would simply find another job. I began to limit my faith in my abilities and settle. I also began to limit my Faith. In doing this, I lost part of me.
Then one day Ben came home and told me that when I look for my next job to look at what I want, where I want. He was willing to move for my job. This was something I never imagined him saying and (I am not sure why) I never suggested. (All of that is another story for some other time.)
Fast forward to the now. We are headed back to Savannah, GA in a few weeks where I will be vice president of Union Mission's Employment and Training Center. Union Mission provides shelter for homeless men, women, and families, short and long term housing assistance, health and dental care, behavioral counseling, substance abuse programs, lifeskills training, job training; and employment assistance. I worked at UMI in 99-00 and have always yearned to return.
I have worked with some great people in the last 10 years, but none compare to my boss at Union Mission- and I don't just say this now, I have said it throughout the years. I have never worked with someone as passionate, bold, fair, honest, visionary, and unique as Mike. I cannot think of any other president/CEO I would say this to outright or about, but I love the man. He inspires others simply by being himself.
This move is more than just a change in geographic location for me. I have regained my zest for life. I feel more alive, bold, confident, and exhilarated than I have in a long time. I have trusted more in God and explored my Faith on much deeper levels than before. I have dared to dream and have found a greater reality than in my dreams.
I cannot discredit the 10 years we spent in Houghton. I believe that for that time we were suppose to be here. I am just glad that we both knew when it was time to explore what's next. I think fear often hinders us in even thinking "what if?"
But when we let go of fear and embrace the possibilities, we may find something even greater-- I was able to find me again. And it feels great, really great, to be so alive.

Living

Live. I think for many of us we think we are living, but what I have discovered lately is that often we become complacent in the safety of our lives that we forget to really live. I have always been a pretty positive person, but somewhere along the line, I started to become too practical. "We can't do that... because..." became more and more my response. Perhaps it was out of fear of embarrassment or lack of immediate resources, but my endless field of dreams started shrinking. Due to no specific set of circumstances I began to realize that living had become a checklist of daily routines and that needed to change.

Reflection. I have spent a lot of time reflecting on my life and have uncovered some "beliefs" I developed. I am not sure where these "beliefs" came from but I realized I am working hard so that one day I can retire and travel or learn a new hobby, that my daughters will have a better childhood because I am raising them in the country, that my marriage will be better because I live in a small "Christian" town, and that living a life of purpose means settling in comfort. I began to realize that these "beliefs" were faulty and also needed to change.

Change. I am uncertain as to what my future holds and yet I find myself gearing up for the adventure. Retirement will come someday, but I am not waiting until then to travel or learn a new hobby. And my daughters will have a great childhood because of the way they were raised and loved. And my marriage will be strong because I worked at it. I am not bound by fear of practicality or stifled by routine. I am ready to be challenged, uncomforted, and used for whatever God has in mind.

For I believe that in really living we can embrace our passions and find the true nature of who we were made to be.