Even So...She Shines Like Never Before

Her fragile heart hid beneath a self created cocoon of control. Where routine left no room for unexpected pain or joy. Where life was lived as a cookie cutter version of social mores. Days and times could be predicted by parking lots filled or empty.

Until "one day, she remembered that the only person who could make her happy was herself! So she took back her power, re-claimed her place in the world and shined like never before!"

Getting to this point was a tormented journey of alone. Friends fell away and she was shunned. Hate was thrown across the miles and scarred the fragile heart more. Trust and love became daggers with conditions.

Yet she pressed forward.

Letting the mask of expectations of others slowly break away. Revealing the person she had squelched so many years ago.

She felt alive, saw the magic of the world, tasted the sweetness of pure simple joy, yet her heart still rested within her safe cocoon.

Until one day, she decided to put it out there a little more than usual. And it was okay. Until it wasn't.

And time would pass. She would fight through to put her heart out there again. And it was okay. Until it wasn't. And again...and again...and again...

Yet others rarely saw this or understood how much it was a leap of faith to put heart out there over and over again. For they never understood what caused her to create the safe cocoon in the first place.

"That's the past....it is not now..." was echoed from others who could so easily close the past door and walk away. Or perhaps their hearts where just more resilient, or maybe they really never gave them away in the first place.

It doesn't matter.

Her heart fits nicely in the self created cocoon of control and for now that is okay. After all, she has come so far. And she still shines like never before!

Simple Joy

My eyes caught three over sized orange wheels rolling towards the ocean. A matching orange seat supported an older woman in a white T-shirt, light khaki pants rolled up to her knees, and bare feet. Her hands hung loose in her lap and her head hung down as her peppered gray hair blew in the wind.

She was placed just where the waves kiss the shore and two men, two women, and three kids surrounded her with love. Her infant grandson screamed in glee as the water touched his toes again and again.

Two other kids ran around her in circles splashing and laughing.

One of the women took her foot and placed it in the water while the other one splashed her legs. Her head remained down, hands in her lap, hair blowing in the wind. I did not see the expression on her face change.

The family happily shared their beach time with her. Taking pictures, engaging her in an ongoing conversation while she remained responseless. She was in the center of all they did.

Eventually the two men wheeled her back onto the beach under an umbrella. Another lady sat there and immediately exclaimed, "Wasn't that just wonderful mom!"

Her expression did not change.

Later as Cass and I were walking home from the beach the two men where wheeling her chair back to their rental house.

It was a quiet walk most of the way until one said, "I just know she loved it!" The other one nodded in agreement.

I watched her head that hung down all day suddenly rise to the sunny sky. Her eyes were squeezed shut and her lips remained fixed in a straight line. She rode the rest of the way home looking towards Heaven.

He was right. She loved it!

She was Here Before Me

When I married Mike, I gained a honey colored beauty. Golden locks adorn a whitened face accented by amber eyes.

On command performances are happily given with expectation of sweet rewards. Kisses are sloppy, butt rubs are yearned for, and the most expressive eyes get me every time.

The play with me energy often surprise me accented with "come on, let's go!" And the trance of the chase often makes me forget that a slow meander is more typical.

The "I have never met a stranger" welcomes everyone with love and often becomes every man's best friend. The rare to be angry still embodies a protective fierceness for those who are special.

Outside is the preferred location for anything, even when the southern heat causes panting and drool.

Growling and tail wags are simultaneous forms of communication for all happy occasions.

Clumps of hair litter my living room floor and often my couch looks like it is growing whiskers. Peering down at my feet I often feel like I missed shaving tons of my toe hair.

Before me, she was here. She comforted an abandoned and broken man. She licked his tears away as he laid on the floor in despair. She carried sticks in from outside to build a protective nest around his bed.

She made him take her for walks and gave him something to take care of, even when he couldn't take care of himself. She watched, and felt, and loved.

She saved him daily.

In some cultures Goddesses are associated with motherhood, love and the household. In other cultures, Goddesses rule over healing.

When she was named no one knew what the future held...but I cannot think of a more appropriate name for this wonder of a dog.

Before I married Mike I sat on the floor with her paws in my lap and looked into her eyes. I thanked her for saving him and I asked her for permission to be part of their world. She cocked her head sideways at me peering back into my eyes. She licked my face before running off to chase a squirrel.

In a house full of women, she truly is the Goddess.

                                                                         

Love Lessons

The sticky late night August air swam through the crevices of the screened door. Shadows of sugar maple tree branches sprinkled across the entryway floor casting images of lovers entwined. Fireflies danced.

A small bench supported him as he sat down. He reached out and gently pulled her towards him. Wrapping his hands around her waist, he brushed the bare skin of her back accidentally as her shirt had come untucked. He placed his forehead against her stomach and sighed.

The wind kissed their skin as their hearts erratically beat. Silence loomed.

He moved his hands to her hips pulling her closer, and nestled his head deeper into her stomach.

"What do you want from me?" he whispered.

The question she had wanted for forever now made her mute.

Her head swarmed with visions of their life. Travel, adventure, simple joy. Laughter, dancing, unexpected bliss. Glimpses of beautiful, pure, wonderful love. In a moment they went from young lovers to parents to grandparents to holding hands as they rocked side by side in rocking chairs.

Her tongue wrestled to find the right words to say all this.

Time was now.

Somewhere in the distance a clock struck two times.

She placed both of her hands on the back of his head. Her deep breath made his head bob up and down for a moment.

"I don't know," she finally said. Her voice echoing eerily in the muted night.

His head shook in affirmation.

An unknown amount of time passed before he stood up, took her hand, and walked her to her car.

Before opening the door he took her face in his hands and turned her head towards him. Their eyes held mutual tears. He pulled her closer and hugged her goodbye.

She knew this was love lost.

She sat behind the steering wheel placing her keys in the ignition. He reached out and touched her through the glass of her window.

Wanting to touch her, but realizing that barrier now went deeper than a windowpane.

She would relive this night throughout her life. Not lamenting what might have been, but never missing the moment.

That night had given her an uncanny ability to face life with a force of bravery and passion that what do you want from me would never go unanswered.

And when just a little while ago, another he sat on top of the the dining room table, bare feet dangling off the side, and asked her the same question, she smiled. She walked to him, placed her hands on his knees, looked him in his eyes, found her words, and told him all that she desired.

And that was the life she received.

I stand in awe of the love I have been gifted. Knowing that I have never before felt the depths of pure unconditional bliss you have shown me. Thank you for the most beautiful life.

Pure Sweetness Moments

I first heard the scuffing of feet before they caught my eye as they passed my table at the restaurant. An elderly couple was slowly making their way to the bathroom.

He supported her by holding her left hand and she assisted by using a cane with her right. I watched and snapped a photo because it is these pure sweetness moments that often take my breath away.

Shortly after Cassidy informed me, and half of the restaurant, that she had to go potty. So I took her.

He was sitting on the bench just outside the bathroom, waiting. Cassidy and I entered the bathroom and I immediately saw the woman sitting on the toilet, as her bathroom stall door hung half way open. Trying to avoid Cassidy commenting I quickly ushered her into the nearest stall.

As we were washing Cassidy's hands, the woman came out of the bathroom. I watch her left arm shake as she slowly moved her cane with her right hand. It took everything in me to stand there and not help her.

Finally she made her way to the sink next to us and set her cane down. She washed only her right hand. I placed a paper towel in her right hand and smiled. She quietly said "thank you" while scrunching up the paper towel in her right hand.

Cassidy and I turned to leave and I held the door for her. "Why are you doing that?" Cassidy asked me. "To be nice," I said. Her husband smiled at us and said "Thank you," as he stood up and took his wife's left hand in his.

I watched them as they walked out of the restaurant while thinking about their story--How did they meet?, did they have kids?, what happened to her left hand?-- but knowing that whatever their story contained, it surely contained love.

Thoughts on Love

In July 1999 I was sitting next to Ben when he looked at me and told me he loved me for the first time. I stared into his eyes and replied, “There are a lot of kinds of love. What kind are you talking about?” Definitely not what he was hoping to hear.

C.S. Lewis, Dr. Gary Chapman, and others write about the different kinds of love and love languages. After reading such books I started to categorize and try to understand love. Sadly this over analyzing of emotion led me to minimalize love and miss giving and receiving it.

Today I look and see love all around. From the little girl who stopped to hug the crossing guard this morning to the man who I watched reach up and tuck a wisp of his lover’s stray hair back into place. From the secret glances across the restaurant from a couple who just started dating to the woman who shyly smiled and blushed after reading a text.

Small simple acts, yet so tender.

I admit I am a hopeless romantic and I may glorify the acts I spy, but it is much more exciting to view such moments through the lenses of love. It heightens the senses and makes such small gestures grand and more passionate and simply beautiful.

I am lucky to not only see love but to feel loved. From dancing in the moonlight to sticky kisses from my daughter. From a stranger embracing me to an unexpected message from a friend. Simple unplanned without expectation moments.

I think we get wrapped up in trying to find the narrowed down version of love we create that we miss the pure raw moments that surround us. Love is not something that fits neatly into a definition and that is what makes it so special.

Yes, there are still many kinds of love, but the greatest discovery lies in not understanding love, but seeing it, touching it, and sharing it ---daily.