January 27, 2014

Consider this your Kick in the Ass

There will come a day you get the phone call you never wanted.

There's been an accident and your son, daughter, husband, wife.....

It was just before lunch and he was heading home from work sick. His wife and three young kids awaited his arrival. There was no threat of ice or snow. Just a normal drive home on the route he always took. Only it wasn't.

Heading in the same direction was a mid-20 year old man and his mother. There was construction on the road, but there always is in this part.

He veers to the left a little and hits a concrete wall which sends his car into the air.

That car flies into the air and lands on top of the other car heading in the same direction. Instantly killing the driver.

It is unreal. Almost a scene out of a movie. No alcohol, texting, or bad weather to blame.

Hearing this story on the news is horrible enough, but the sick guy heading home happened to be my husbands son's best friend.

I immediately question God. Why?

What if Matt had only left 10 minutes later...what if he was driving slower...what if...

When things like this happen we search for blame. We seek answers to questions that will never be answered. We imagine every other scenario with happy endings. We search for a peace that we cannot find.

We ponder how fragile life is. How it really is a gift each day without any guarantee.

The restlessness of why and how propels us to not take our own life for granted. For a little while anyway!

Until we slip back into the routine of what our life has always been. Because there is always tomorrow.

And things are going to be better when you lose those 10 lbs., or when you retire, or when your kids are grown, or when you have the perfect job, or when you drive the new car, or when you finally have extra money, or when you finally have more time.

A thousand things you desire to do, later.

Sadly, for most of us that time never comes. There is always, ALWAYS, something that gets in the way.

Every day people share with me their desires immediately followed by their excuses.

It's sad.

I lived that once too.

Not anymore.

I try my best to live my life now with the intention "to not arrive at my grave safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside in a cloud of smoke, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming, Wow! What a ride!"

All I have is now.

All you have is now.

So why are you waiting?

January 8, 2014

Who are you Screwing?

A horrible fallacy lies in the saying "sticks and stones may break my bones, but names will never hurt me."

When I went through my divorce I got the nastiest emails from my loving Christian friends. Sticks and stones of bitter anger thrown at me labeling me with names. I was doomed to hell. 

I felt unlovable.




Few loved me when I was "unclean" to them. 

The thread hair belief I had left in organized religion finally snapped. 

I wanted to throw my own sticks and stones right back on them. For years, I held their shared secret hurts and wounds in silence.

But I couldn't. 

My emotional strength was gone.

I harbor hate that I am trying to let go. I need to find a way to do this.

See names do more than hurt...they scar.

If you could see my heart there are a thousands scars tightly embedded that sometimes glisten so bright they sometimes easily cloud the good.

But I choose to not focus on the hate, but use it to help others who are making a change.

In a way it's the ultimate "screw you!"

Using my own wounds to passionately help others propel themselves through change.

To guide and protect them on their journey.

Because NO ONE deserves to be scarred for being what or who they are designed to be.

Change is often a solo journey.

With others laughing or mocking you as you evolve.

Because their own fears cloud their belief that you could be better off in a different job, living someplace else, not married to their son.

And you continue to move forward, and they continue to feel left behind.

But that's their choice.

And then one day you realize you finally feel at home.

You are where you are suppose to be, doing what you were meant to do, living with whom you heart was meant to love. 

And it looks a whole lot different than you ever imagined. 

And they still can't figure it out.

In fact, you scare them. 

Because you did something so many desire but never do.

You choose to live your life for you.

And sometimes the past haunts the present and you kick and scream it away.

Because the beauty of the life you have now really is your heaven on earth.

It took a walk through hell to get here, the loss of familiar things, a breaking free of family and friends, going against the common way of thought,..but there is no other place I'd rather be then where I am today.

Your world is full of others who want you to be something for them, but what is it you want to be? To do? How do you want to live?

You already know these answers. 

You have your reasons for not doing them.

I know what they are.

But, I also know you don't have to live a life less than you desire. 

And I pray this year you at least take one small step forward

Trust me, it is so worth it! 

And when others start to question you, to call you names---just call me.