March 19, 2014

Still Divorcing the Past

I am painting our red room red. Taking the dull faded paint of years gone by and repainting it shiny, bright and new. I enjoy things like this so am taken completely off guard when my mind starts reminding me of not so happy things.

Things I buried, but have not dealt with. And I have the urge to write it out, but am torn between sharing my heart and not offending others. It's a fine line easily crossed.

Much like painting I covered parts of my past with this wonderful "new" life I have been blessed  with.

But I know one of my struggles is forgiveness.

Letting go of painful things others have said or done to me.

So when I was going through my divorce...I was told...

"This is not allowed, you need to fix it..."

"Just be more submissive..."

"You alone caused all this..."

"You won't be loved..."

"You'll never be happy again..."

"You'll only be used by other men in the future..."

"You are damaging your girls for life..."

"No-one will take care of you..."

"You are a sinner..."

I was doomed to hell.

And I sat there letting my (Christian) friends and family throw stones at me.

Until my silence caused some to just delete me from their lives.

I was no longer an aunt, sister, best friend, in-law.

I still grieve these losses.

They still sting.

I was far from perfect, but so were they.

I never put them aside.

And I suppose that is where I struggle.

Blaming myself for my own made-up reasons of why things were said or people left me.

But the truth is, much of what was said were the same reasons that led to the divorce.

Change and growth are often hard.

More often on others, than on the one growing and changing.

It's time though.

Time that I find the strength to let these things go.

To let go of the hold toxic people have on me, so that I can fully enjoy now.