September 20, 2011
"Cass, what's in your mouth?" I ask. She opens up her lips and pulls out a shiny penny.
"Oh, Cass. You know you shouldn't put things like that in your mouth. You could end up swallowing it and choking."
We have dinner and Cass darts off to something. I call her back to remind her to take her plate to the kitchen and she slowly comes around the corner. Tears streaming down her very red cheeks.
"I....." she gasps....."swallow....." another gasp....."ed....." gasp....."the....." gasp....."penny."
My eyes fall out of my head in disbelief and I utter, "Really?" Knowing it was obvious she had and using this more as a moment to collect my disbelief and gain composure.
I notice from the corner of my eye that Laurel and Maddie are standing scared and worried.
"Maddie and Laurel keep talking to Cass and Cass keep talking to your sisters," I say as I grab the phone to call 911. I needed to hear her voice to know she was breathing.
I made my first phone call ever to 911.
I called Ben.
I called Mike and Dee.
I got strapped in the gurney with Cass on my lap in the back of the ambulance. My first time ever riding in the back of ambulance.
Cass started breathing more normal during the ride and I started breathing in sync to her breaths. Holding my baby while praying and praying.
We got to the ER and eventually through the intake process. I knew Cass was feeling much better when the nurse was going through the intake questions and looked at Cass and said, "You don't smoke, do you?" And in typically spitfired Cass fashion she replies, "No, but I pretend I do."
And when she told the doctor she wouldn't swallow any more money "because her mom doesn't have any money."
And when she asked the x-ray tech if he saw tuna fish in her belly along with the penny.
I can laugh at this now.
Last night I was focused on what needed to be done. Holding back my emotions so that I remained calm and clear headed through it all.
This morning when I awoke I kissed and hugged Maddie and Laurel, who had climbed in bed with me in the middle of the night and squished me between them. They were terrific in the midst of the emergency. I thanked God for them.
I went to Cassidy's room and stared at this little girl, lying with her feet on the wall as she slept, and I cried tears of relief that she is okay. I thanked God for her.
Checking my phone I had numerous messages from friends asking how Cass was and asking how I was. I thought of my two dear friends who dropped their evening plans and came as soon as I called and asked, "How quick can you get here?" The paramedics, the nurses, the doctors.
So this morning, I paused...humbled...knowing that last night...well.. I believe in angels.
And I thanked God for each and every one of them.
September 14, 2011
I am blessed with a wonderful memory. I am cursed with a wonderful memory. My ability to remember things is wonderful when they are pleasant and dreadful when they are not. The sad truth is that often I had not forgiven those things in the past so that I could move on.
Lately, I have spent a lot of time in thought--- praying, forgiving, letting go, accepting. I have come to realize that often our journey to get to where we are meant to be is rarely how we imagine. Our plans…. well that elicits enough laughter alone…planning… orchestrating… often leads to scheming to get to what we want; but not always to what we need or where we should be. We arrive only to realize we are still in search of something more.
Yet what I have started to realize is that when I embrace the here and now…starting each day as a tabula rasa…I am filled beyond the heart happiness that I can hold.
I cannot change the past, nor would I want to. It shapes part of who I am. I have said things I wish I had not said or hurt others when I wish I hadn’t, but good or bad, right or wrong, I have come to a point in my life when I have accepted my past for getting me to here. Seeking forgiveness where it was needed and taking the time to heal.
Now at the end of most days I marvel in the delights of my days. Thanking God for the holiness that comes from realizing His plans are far greater than my own; finding not only my needs, but my wants are abundantly overfilled. I no longer look at my journey as getting from point A to point B, but my journey is an extraordinary adventure of finding me.
So, this morning when I awoke I embraced the peace and joy that comes from knowing, feeling, seeing that his love for me is even greater than I can comprehend. I cannot say that I am able to start every day like this, but I have complete faith that one day I will. And I believe that that day is soon.
September 5, 2011
I watched a little bird land in the water; his beak dipping in for sips of refreshment. A small wave of water rushed towards his little feet and I watched as it surprised him to flight. He landed on the sand and proceeded to walk away. Eventually taking off in flight for another place.
This reminded me of the collection of fabulous friends I have; many going through change.
Some are still stuck in the crashing of the waves, while others have managed to work their way to the pool of water....away from the crashing waves, yet still feeling the ebb and flow of their impact.
Change is hard. Yet life is full of it- sometimes good; sometimes not so good. We cannot control it. What we can do is offer a safe place to those we love for them to be.. to simply be. To laugh, to cry, to sing, to dance, to scream, to rest... until one day....
Until one day--we realize that they are ready... that we are ready--and have been surprised to flight.
I cannot look at birds without marveling at their ability to fly. The grace and ease at which they seem suspended in air is breathtaking.
So it is as equally as beautiful to watch others embrace change. Delighting as they realize their hopes are within reach and their dreams are becoming reality. They absolutely soar.
And it is beyond words when you realize you are the one that is taking flight.