January 28, 2012

From Wandering to Wondering

We wake up each day and repeat pretty much the course of yesterday. Ending up ready for bed each night tired only from the typical routine of what always is.

Most of us walk through life waiting for eventually. The "eventually" of when we have enough time or enough money or enough courage or enough faith to do what we really want to do. The endless list of excuses that keep us bound to the safety of now. Letting the unknowns of what if I just....paralyze us.

I am learning more and more that often we are pushed to face our own feared landscape of the unknown. I think of several friends who are wandering right now. Some are getting caught in the depths of self doubt. Some are choosing distractions to avoid facing what they need too. Some are choosing to accept that this is how it is just going to be and remain stuck.

There are a handful though who are embracing the change. They have moved to a new place to follow their dreams. They have decided to take some time off to choose what is next. They are expanding themselves through trying new things. They are wondering.

I am faced with my canvas of life filled with a bunch of question marks right now. For a little while I let them be shadowed with doubts of uncertainty, but then I found the faith to believe, again. Slowly those question marks turned to hues of bright hope and glittery goodness of what is.

The mirroring of my today to my yesterday is over. I am enjoying the adventure of figuring out what I want my "eventually" to be. Leaving the wandering and embracing the wondering.

January 23, 2012


Schedules were once a necessary part of my day. I was the to-do list master and was disciplined about self indulgence (usually playing on the computer or reading) until the work for the day was done and the girls were in bed and everything was ready for the next day and all the shoes were lined up by the door and all the dishes were clean...and... I had lost my spontaneity.

I think really though, I feared the loss of control. If I wasn't in charge things would not happen, they would not get done right, or fast enough. I was a master at controlling myself...and tried to control others...to make them fit into what I wanted them to be.

Life was structured and routines prevailed. Interruptions greatly threw my world off kilter and made me angry.

That was then.

Cass was sick today and as she lay resting on the couch, I spent the day playing on the computer. A few times I thought that about the floors that needed to be mopped...and eventually the wash made it to the dryer. Yet, my mind was consumed in thinking about the next big event in my life.

For once again in my life, I am ready to throw caution to the wind and dive right in without holding my nose. It has been a long, long time since I felt this ready for something. So today I got frustrated when I felt like all the reasons of why not now (albeit practical ones) were being shared with me.

So I started to revert to planning...organizing...controlling. Letting the ugly old parts of me start to have life in now. That is not who I am.

So honey, forget all the what ifs, the hows, all the little things we just don't know. Life has a way of working itself out. Often better than we can imagine. I know what is real, and true, and beautiful. I take this gift of us and want to celebrate it as only we can.

There was a time when I would not have been able to say all of that, but this is now.

I believe. I trust. I am ready.


January 18, 2012


The other night I spent countless hours lying awake wrestling with some news I had recently received. It was not something I wanted to hear, but it was the truth. I had known all along, but it was confirmed in the end.

So this news catapulted me back into the past. Initially I was shocked, then angry, then ...my body shook, I was physically sick, and started to drown in endless sorrow.

I fought to get out of remaining back there. It is easy to get stuck in the what was and let it strangle the happiness out of what is.

I have always tried to live for the present. Yet, I struggle at times letting history take happiness out of my today's.

Of all the good and of all the bad in my past, it comprises chapters of my life that have shaped who I have become.

I am on a constant journey to being the best me that I can be. I take what the past was and learn from it. Vowing never to make certain mistakes again, promising myself to forgive, pushing myself to learn from it and be better.

As hard as I wish there is no power to change what has occurred or to erase it from memory. What I do know is that I can choose to allow the past to intrude and continue to have life by festering in the present or I can learn to accept and forgive.

Forgiveness is hard but essential. This is very difficult for me. Yet, I am slowly moving past the "Why did this happen to me?" to "How has this (or can this) help me grow?" I am grabbing onto faith; clinging to the hope and promise of the future.

January 11, 2012

Sharing My Journey

In a world full of expectations we are doomed to fail. Try as I might to be the perfect mother, wife, friend, daughter, boss, employee....I have wonderfully failed in all of these areas.

Tonight I find myself reflecting on my failures.

There were days when I was simply perfect in all these things, doing what everyone else expected. Going, going, going and going to the point of crashing. Only to take a twenty minute reprieve and go at it again. I wanted to escape, even for a weekend get-a-way alone, but the guilt of taking time for me always won over.

Running eventually became my escape and turned into something I enjoyed. Countless offers of others to run with me were avoided because this was the only thing that I gave to myself.

I have always worked. I have always said yes. I have always done everything I could for others. I have always placed others needs ahead of my own. I have tried to meet expectations of others at the cost of myself.

As much as I love celebrating others through giving, I hate receiving gifts. I get uneasy opening gifts in front of others and subdue emotions when doing so. I commented to my best friend last night that when he shows up I am so excited, but I rarely show it. Receiving gifts, in any form, is not easy for me.

Why is it so hard to just be who we are? Why do we convince ourselves that being us is not enough? Why do we not celebrate the wonderfully wacky and unique person we are?

My life is not picture perfect and it is not what others wish it was. I have received enough notes of failure in the last several months to know just what others do not like about my life.

Yet despite the daily expectations of others I fail to meet, I am learning that is okay to be me. Each day I discover new gifts that I am learning to receive and I am learning to express the joy of such things.

I know my faults. I have accepted my failures. I still struggle to find consistency in the middle of being too strict or too lenient. But I am me. On a journey of learning, discovering, accepting, believing, trusting, and growing.

In a world full of expectations we are doomed to fail. I will never be perfect and that is okay.