January 29, 2015

More Than Just the Blue Birds

Somewhere over the rainbow echoes in my head as I learn the news of yet another friend passing unexpectedly.

Shock is the state I am sitting in thinking this is some horrible joke.

Yet, the reality of the preciousness of life is all too familiar.

Cancer, miscarriages, sudden spinal infections resulting in paralysis, accidents, heart attacks bombard my world with sadness.

Leaving my mind unable to form coherent sentences beyond the exclaimed huh!?!

Time goes buzzing bye as most of us remain settled in the life of status quo.

Getting by resting on our laurels.

Dying long before we take our last breath.

Pacifying ourselves that if only we had more time or if only we had more money.

Waiting for the magical age of retirement that seems to increase in years as the economy spirals downwards and jobs disappear.

You know what?

You’ll never have it all.

The perfect combination of what you think you need to have it all will turn into something more as you get closer to it.

That’s your fear pushing you away.

Because it’s all too much to handle.

You don’t deserve it.

It’s all just a stupid dream anyway.

Self-depreciation leaves us wishing for something more.

I was on that same path once.

I made a written bucket list of things I wanted to experience before I died.

And set out to do one a year.

But everything else got in the way and money was never there.

And then my friends, my young friends, starting getting terminal diseases.

And deaths were too frequent.

So my before I kicked the bucket list seemed dismal.

Each day became a little more precious.

And I cut out all the busyness of what others wanted from me.

And took the time and used some money to start investing in me.

Finding my joie de vivre (joy of life).

Checking things off that list more than once a year.

My whole perspective in life shifting to be more in line with why I’m here.

This is all we got.

Are you enjoying your life?

This life?

The here and the now?

Because I’m sure that Heaven is beautiful.

But I’m also sure that before we touch those blue skies, the dreams that you dare to dream can come true.

Stop the why then oh why can't I?

Because, you know what, you can.

January 3, 2015

What my Heart Needs to Say

I found pictures today of friends I once had. Who meant the world to me. 

And it's hurtful. Because I feel like I didn't do what they wanted so they left our friendship.

When Micheal and I starting realizing there was more than a friendship between us and marriage was ahead...there should have been joy.

Yet from the eight people who celebrated with us, there were ten times the amount who didn't.

She's after your money, he's after your youth.

He'll ruin your girls, she has three kids you're past that point in your life.

She is not Southern. He is not a Christian.

You'll have six kids, it won't work.

Don't marry her. Don't marry him.

A bucketful of dismal sentiments dumped on two recovering hearts believing in a love they began to feel.

Micheal has always forged his own path, but I had not. 

I strove to walk the straight and narrow of what was right in the eyes of the small world I lived.

So when we talked of marriage, it wasn't me pushing him ( yeah I know that surprises some of you naysayers)!

And as my world got smaller and smaller, I realized that most of the relationships I had were based on me doing what others wanted.

Because when I didn't listen to them, they disappeared.

So this straight and narrow small world I lived in became a solo journey of me.

I was forced to listen to myself.

To dig deep into my being and make a decision for me.

I felt selfish. 

I knew what my heart was telling me. Which was not what my head was telling me.

But defying all logic I went for it.

I can still hear the haunted gasps of those who left me.

Just give it a few months and it'll end. It won't last. The age difference.

All these things the world looks at is not what I know.

What I know is that I am married to a man who loves me at a depth I am not capable of accepting fully yet. Because I've never been loved like this.

I am married to a man who has grown to love my three little blessings as if they are his own.

I am married to a man who sits and listens to my rages of anger as another layer of protection falls away from a once broken heart in healing.

I am married to a man who is forever young while I grow older.

I am married to a man who does not recognize he has already given me the world. 

Every single day, every day, I thank God that I was brave enough to listen to me.

That I found a strength in myself to do what I felt was right.

For when the world judged without knowing, it was so very wrong.

There will always be those who have their opinions. 

And I know it hurts.

But if I had to stand alone again to get to here, I would.

Rare is it that we see the true gift of what we have until it's gone. 

Yet some how I am blessed to experience it every single day.