The pages remain blank, because later that week, we discovered something else was going on with me physically.
After many months of ups and downs, that something else resulted in our rainbow blessing of Clare Hope Elliott- CHE.
So I have struggled to write in the pages to the child that Micheal and I lost.
Without the loss, we would not have our CHE.
So I have some emotions stuck between grief and extreme delight.
Over the last year, I learned that life is full of these vast extremes that leave us slingshoting in emotions.
After the blessing of our daughter, Mike's job was cut.
Then my job was cut.
Then we got a lawsuit from his ex-wife.
Then a hurricane hit and we lost 1,000 sq ft of our home to 2 feet of water.
And bad things just seemed to pepper our life daily.
Micheal and I would cry, a lot.
What had we done to deserve this!
Why? Why? Why?
Where was God?
I had some time to think this past week and reflect back on this year.
And what I discovered is God.
In the hands of those that stopped by and said here I made you dinner.
In the mind of those that gave us advice to navigate the muddy waters of the legal system.
In the heart of those that gifted us in still unspeakable ways to help us financially.
In the soul of those who just listened.
In the eyes of those who saw what we needed before we did and made things happen.
Sometimes we have to be removed from where we are to see what was there.
We lost, a lot.
And yet, it was all taken care of.
And we didn't deserve that either.
I have been staring at this journal for the past few weeks and feel it is time to start writing.
Not to our other child.
But to what I am creating in my life today.
I cannot truly say I am thankful for all we had to endure, yet.
My human processing of emotions still gets stuck in a few places of despair.
But I am still wordless at the kindness of those who acted on our needs.
Today would look a lot different if not for those that helped.
So my 2018, will be centered around one small act of kindness.
And these empty pages will be filled with ideas of creating that.
Of gifting others from those that filled my life with God.
One of my favorite Christmas songs is "Face of Love" by Jewel.
It seems more than appropriate for now....
For I have seen, the face of love, the grace of God...
May you find that wherever you are today, there is some good.
You may not see it now, but it is there.
May hope sustain you, may grace find you, may joy fill you, and may love abound.
Merry Christmas and a truly Happy New Year!
