I was blessed to have four grandparents that I grew up knowing. Pop was the first to pass away in 1995. Followed with the passing of my grandmothers in 2008 and 2010. Today PopPop went to be reuinted with Grandma.
To me Frederick J. Elias was a devoted husband. There is much I do not know about him, but I can vividly remember that almost every time we would visit them, he would sit with Grandma's tired legs on his lap and rub them. Grandma was ill for a very long time and he did everything he could to take care of her. "Fred..." you would often hear her calling from across the house and he would respond...each and every time. He loved her.
When she passed away he was also ready to go. I suppose that is a true testament of just how much their lives intertwined and how connected they were. I imagine when you give so much of your life to a person and they are gone...there is simply no way to fill that void.
PopPop went on living, but would often comment in our talks just how much he missed Grandma. He spent time memorizing Bible verses in the last few years and there is a lot of time I am not sure how he filled.
Today though I am sad. I cry for the loss of PopPop, for all that I did not do or the calls I did not make before today. To knowing that my last grandparent is gone.
I believe that PopPop is in Heaven and that Jesus welcomed him home. And there is a small part of me that snickers in thinking that Grandma had a small part.... and when it was time she joyous called again, "Fred..." and he responded for the final time.
May 2, 2012
April 17, 2012
Having Today
Some things never get easier.
I grew up a pastor's kid and went to a lot of funerals. I can clearly remember the first funeral I went to. She was 101ish, a little old lady who had lived a long life. I was in 5th grade.
From that point on I went to countless funerals of congregation members. My great grandmother was the first of my relatives to die. I remember being dazed by all that was going on, but I did not cry. I did not know her. In 1995 I lost my Pop. I cried, a lot. I knew him.
The hardest funeral's though for me are the ones where it just doesn't seem fair. That life was cut too short too soon. The high school student who died in a car crash while her mother was driving on an icy road, my 9 month old niece who died of SIDS, my 15 year old cousin who drowned, my 8 year old niece who died from a chromosomal disorder. Those were the ones that I still get find myself wondering just what was God thinking?
When someone dies of old age we seem to mourn in a different way. It is almost as if the long lived life calms the grief of what is expected. But when someone dies before we think they should, mourning is filled with trying to make some sense of it all. We feel angry and cheated.
Within the last several months, death has faced many of my dear friends. My sweet friend who lost her twins, another friend whose husband died at 35, and another friend whose son was recently killed in Afghanistan. IT IS NOT FAIR!
It is hard to even name the emotions that surface and let them go. I do not believe that time heals these wounds. We adapt and learn to live in the what is now, but we are forever changed.
For some this change rest inside and is a silent reminder. For others though this change sparks them to a more passionate life. Spurring them to reach out to others, try new things, or do something they always wanted to do sooner than later.
I believe in a God that understands my grief. Who someday will allow us to see just what he was thinking. Who shares in my sorrows and does not waver in his love when I question.
What I understand more and more though is today is truly a gift.
Many wake up each morning to a masterpiece in the sky but rarely stop to appreciate it. The birds sing all day long while other music drowns out their beautiful natural melodies. We sit behind a computer inside missing out on the sun kisses that await us. We make promises to others for another day because we are too busy. It rains and we use an umbrella instead of dancing in the rain.
A whole world we rarely stop to see and enjoy.
There is nothing that can ever take away the grief. I choose though to consciously stop and appreciate more, be more aware of things around me, find the joy of each day, because there are just too many who were not gifted this day.
I grew up a pastor's kid and went to a lot of funerals. I can clearly remember the first funeral I went to. She was 101ish, a little old lady who had lived a long life. I was in 5th grade.
From that point on I went to countless funerals of congregation members. My great grandmother was the first of my relatives to die. I remember being dazed by all that was going on, but I did not cry. I did not know her. In 1995 I lost my Pop. I cried, a lot. I knew him.
The hardest funeral's though for me are the ones where it just doesn't seem fair. That life was cut too short too soon. The high school student who died in a car crash while her mother was driving on an icy road, my 9 month old niece who died of SIDS, my 15 year old cousin who drowned, my 8 year old niece who died from a chromosomal disorder. Those were the ones that I still get find myself wondering just what was God thinking?
When someone dies of old age we seem to mourn in a different way. It is almost as if the long lived life calms the grief of what is expected. But when someone dies before we think they should, mourning is filled with trying to make some sense of it all. We feel angry and cheated.
Within the last several months, death has faced many of my dear friends. My sweet friend who lost her twins, another friend whose husband died at 35, and another friend whose son was recently killed in Afghanistan. IT IS NOT FAIR!
It is hard to even name the emotions that surface and let them go. I do not believe that time heals these wounds. We adapt and learn to live in the what is now, but we are forever changed.
For some this change rest inside and is a silent reminder. For others though this change sparks them to a more passionate life. Spurring them to reach out to others, try new things, or do something they always wanted to do sooner than later.
I believe in a God that understands my grief. Who someday will allow us to see just what he was thinking. Who shares in my sorrows and does not waver in his love when I question.
What I understand more and more though is today is truly a gift.
Many wake up each morning to a masterpiece in the sky but rarely stop to appreciate it. The birds sing all day long while other music drowns out their beautiful natural melodies. We sit behind a computer inside missing out on the sun kisses that await us. We make promises to others for another day because we are too busy. It rains and we use an umbrella instead of dancing in the rain.
A whole world we rarely stop to see and enjoy.
There is nothing that can ever take away the grief. I choose though to consciously stop and appreciate more, be more aware of things around me, find the joy of each day, because there are just too many who were not gifted this day.
March 24, 2012
My Carpe Diem
Engraved in gold lettering across my high school yearbook are the words "Carpe Diem." We, as high school graduates, were energized to go out into the big world that awaited us and think for ourselves, be individuals, and live an extraordinary life.
Many of us fell into the traditional step of what came next....college. Then love...then marriage...then a job to support the baby in the baby carriage...then the house in the suburbs...while working harder and harder to keep it all together.
And then one day, for many, life screeches to a halt and you find yourself in despair crying out "Why?"
Yesterday I learned of a high school friend who became a widow at the age of 31 and another dear friend who lost the twins she was carrying; after many years of heartache trying. Others are struggling to hold their marriages together or pay this month's rent.
I can't help but stop and in my own pleading for them ask, "Why?"
Last night I sat at a backyard BBQ where a wandering musician played guitar for us. I looked around at the people who were sharing this experience with me and knew that this is truly what life is about---relationships.
I may not be rich or have the largest house or know where money is going to come from. I may go through loss that I fear will leave me stuck in despair. I may repeatedly cry out for myself or others, "Why?"
Every day though, I am amazed just how many of us share parallel situations on our journeys. When we allow ourselves to be open and share we realize that we are not alone. And that, I believe, is the greatest gift.
There is a collection of friends who have exemplified Romans 12:15 for me and I strive to do the same. I will rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn.
Relationships. My life is rich and extraordinary because of that.
Carpe Diem.
Many of us fell into the traditional step of what came next....college. Then love...then marriage...then a job to support the baby in the baby carriage...then the house in the suburbs...while working harder and harder to keep it all together.
And then one day, for many, life screeches to a halt and you find yourself in despair crying out "Why?"
Yesterday I learned of a high school friend who became a widow at the age of 31 and another dear friend who lost the twins she was carrying; after many years of heartache trying. Others are struggling to hold their marriages together or pay this month's rent.
I can't help but stop and in my own pleading for them ask, "Why?"
Last night I sat at a backyard BBQ where a wandering musician played guitar for us. I looked around at the people who were sharing this experience with me and knew that this is truly what life is about---relationships.
I may not be rich or have the largest house or know where money is going to come from. I may go through loss that I fear will leave me stuck in despair. I may repeatedly cry out for myself or others, "Why?"
Every day though, I am amazed just how many of us share parallel situations on our journeys. When we allow ourselves to be open and share we realize that we are not alone. And that, I believe, is the greatest gift.
There is a collection of friends who have exemplified Romans 12:15 for me and I strive to do the same. I will rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn.
Relationships. My life is rich and extraordinary because of that.
Carpe Diem.
February 29, 2012
All the Difference
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;
Our days are filled with choices. Some are simple and easy, while others hold the capacity to greatly alter our lives.
We are often inspired by others to reach for our dreams, embrace what makes us happy, and to be what we want to be. Yet, it is often the same people who, when we so boldly take the leap, stand there shaking their heads in disbelief. Often in disapproval.
Take the risk, but don't do anything out of the ordinary. Reach for your dreams, but stay confined by societal rules to get there. Be happy, but keep everyone else happy along the way.
My life has presented me with choices that I have had to make and some that I have had to accept. They have not all been easy, but I am following my heart. I am praying and trusting God more than I ever have.
I know there are people who don't understand my choices, who forget there are two sides to every story, who criticize. There are others who stand in awe that I am pursuing happiness and are dancing in delight with me along the journey.
We all have the choice to forge our own path. To make our life what it was meant to be. To make God laugh, cry, dance, sing, and embrace us as we do our best to live the life given to us. It is the uniqueness of each other that we often fail to accept.
There are a lot of unknowns for me right now, but I have never been happier. I am sure that I am exactly where I am suppose to be and with who I am suppose to be with. I delight in my three blessings with a pure simple beautiful joy. I am surrounded by a crazy wonderful carnival of friends who have embraced me with unconditional love. I have rekindled my deep connections with friends whom I have always cherished.
I have no doubts.
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;
Our days are filled with choices. Some are simple and easy, while others hold the capacity to greatly alter our lives.
We are often inspired by others to reach for our dreams, embrace what makes us happy, and to be what we want to be. Yet, it is often the same people who, when we so boldly take the leap, stand there shaking their heads in disbelief. Often in disapproval.
Take the risk, but don't do anything out of the ordinary. Reach for your dreams, but stay confined by societal rules to get there. Be happy, but keep everyone else happy along the way.
My life has presented me with choices that I have had to make and some that I have had to accept. They have not all been easy, but I am following my heart. I am praying and trusting God more than I ever have.
I know there are people who don't understand my choices, who forget there are two sides to every story, who criticize. There are others who stand in awe that I am pursuing happiness and are dancing in delight with me along the journey.
We all have the choice to forge our own path. To make our life what it was meant to be. To make God laugh, cry, dance, sing, and embrace us as we do our best to live the life given to us. It is the uniqueness of each other that we often fail to accept.
There are a lot of unknowns for me right now, but I have never been happier. I am sure that I am exactly where I am suppose to be and with who I am suppose to be with. I delight in my three blessings with a pure simple beautiful joy. I am surrounded by a crazy wonderful carnival of friends who have embraced me with unconditional love. I have rekindled my deep connections with friends whom I have always cherished.
I have no doubts.
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.
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