October 19, 2011

Now My Future Is Here

Many, many years ago one of my dearest friends asked me a question I could not answer. He and I never dated as we were always involved with other people. Then he moved away and we wrote each other frequently. I remember opening up the mailbox each day holding my breath in great anticipation for a letter and almost always there was one. Our friendship grew and grew and we knew we could be great together.

Finally, the time came when he would be home and for the first time neither of us was dating anyone else. We went out for dinner and then ended up at another friend’s house for a movie. I remember sitting next to him on the couch with my heart pounding. At one point in the movie, he said “Sarah” and I turned to him and he kissed me for the first time. Years of wishing for this moment vanished.

When it was time to leave we walked in silence to the front door of the house and I grabbed the door handle. He pushed the door shut and sat down on a bench in the entryway. He took my hands and pulled me over to him. Resting his head on my belly, we just breathed in unison, the pounding of our heartbeats vibrating through the emptiness of the room. Eventually he looked up at me, our eyes locked, and he asked, “What do you want?”

I stood there paralyzed. A thousand thoughts running through my head, my heart telling me what to say, but as hard as I wanted to I could not find any words.

All I could do was shrug my shoulders. That was the end of what might have been.

I believe that everything in life happens for a reason. We may not understand the here and now of why, but it does. And in the end it all works out as it should.

My life has taken turns I never expected. I have been able to move past a lot of regret and hurt and look forward to whatever may come. I have gotten to know myself and my areas where I am weak. I have made a list of promises to myself that I will keep.

So, in a conversation recently someone asked me “What do you want?”

At first, this immediately took me back 15 years and the fear of verbalizing my answer started to overtake me.

But I fought through it, because we are only given this one life to live. I have dreams....hopes....wishes…desires….that I held back for one reason or another; often the root being fear; and I refuse now to succumb to fear and so “I replaced the fear of unknown with curiosity.”

And this time I was able to find my voice to put into words what I want. I embraced the moment with more certainty than I have had in a long, long time and felt the purest peace. This release of truth turning into one of the holiest of moments.

I know I am right where I should be. Past moments of what could have been or should have been or why didn’t it work are erased by what will be. Because I know with all that I am that “now my future is here.”

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