October 16, 2013

Falling Apart

Six blocks from my driveway the ocean continually kisses the beach while the water caresses the sand.

It is one of the most peaceful places I rarely visit.

Here I am living my dream of residing near the ocean, working from home, being my own boss, and yet I find I have easily slipped back into running around like a chicken with her head cut off.

 Demands of every day life engulf my time and I have a calendar overfilled with commitments.


Endless past weeks running, running, running left me worn out and frustrated.
Crashing on the floor I look at Mike and ask, "How did this happen?"

"I work from home and make my own schedule yet I have no time for myself or the simple pleasures of life. This is not right. Blah...blah...blah..." my outrage continues.

"This is not the life I wanted!" I finally exclaim.

And it isn't.

My shoulders slump and I feel defeated.

I feel exhausted and my lower back pains return. The running on empty me I fought so hard to get over is back. I literally ache.

But, I do not allow myself to stay stuck in despair. I give myself permission to put myself first again; to take care of me.

I spend an hour on Friday looking towards the next week and mapping out an hour a day for me. I vow to take better care of myself, again. I vow to make dates with my friends for fun, again. I vow to slow down enough to see things around me, again.

I forgive myself and return to loving me.

So when I am coming out of a new yoga class this morning and I am not rushing I see beauty.

Fawn colored shoulder length hair hangs tangled around her small head. She wears a short sleeved pale pink smocked dress with ripped lime green tights and tan ballet slippers.

She sits on a yellow plastic swing slightly twisted so her left leg hangs lower than her right. One bow dangles untied on her slippers.

The swing moves gently as if blowing in the calm breeze. Her head rests on her right hand holding onto the swing chain.

"You are my sunshine..." she sings loud and off key, a stark contrast to her serene posture. "My only sunshine..." she continues.

Stopping to listen I cannot see anything in her line of sight that she is singing too, but she is obviously happy in her own world.

I breathe. I feel. I know.

Just last week, and the week before, and the week before that, I missed a lot of this simple beauty moments. The moments that I call heart smiles. The moments when I realize that life is so much larger than my narrow minded view often allows me to see. The moments I believe God blesses me with.

Time is rarely our friend. We always want more of it. We wish for the kids to grow, to make more money, to be thinner, or retirement to come only so we can start living.

I was one of those once; I can easily slip back into that person.

It is a horrible shame when we find ourselves wishing for a life different than the one we have, yet doing nothing to create it. We sit waiting for what we believe is that magical time, or thing, or place. We let living become encumbered with craziness. Until we literally crash.

But, you know what? We don't have to.

This life you have today is not your dress rehearsal. What you do with your today and tomorrow is your choice. You know your desires. You have the strength inside of you to create the life you want.

Listen to your heart and give yourself permission to do one thing it is telling you. To see one beauty it is showing you. To feel one joy it is radiating.

I did. It was spectacular.

And as I turned and got in my car to drive away, I whispered a prayer in unison with the little girl..."please don't take my sunshine away."

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