Wonder Woman Exposed

A shiny white doll sized casket rested on a pedestal cradling my nine month old niece. A pastor spoke though his words were inaudible to most of us there. I was transfixed on her casket. And when they started lowering her into the ground and the first bit of dirt was cast atop, a silent screamed stopped my heart.

Later that day as I held my four week old newborn the deepest love and the deepest despair wrestled one another within me.

Life was so unfair.

This week I learned that two of my high school friends had lost their husbands, unexpected and suddenly. This occurred within a matter of just a few days.

My heart breaks for them and their kids.

I am reminded again that life is so unfair.

We never expect that we will die at a young age.

Truthfully, I think most of us honestly never think we will die.

We live that way.

We believe that in two years we will get fit. We believe that in five years we can change jobs. Or in 10 years we can buy our dream vacation. Or in 15 years we can live where we really want.

We hold onto all this things we want for our life, for another time.

Oh, I know the thousands of excuses filling your mind. I don't have the money, I don't have the time, I will offend my family, I.....

A plethora of excuses you allow yourself to believe that immediately cut off your desires.

So we sit in a world we wish was different.

We hope for better days, but make no effort on our part to have them.

We allow our desires to be squelched.

We become like the majority.

We think we can't so we don't. We settle. We give up. We die before we take our last breath.

There is no reason for this. None!

Death reminds me that we are all fated the same final outcome.

What makes us different is what we do with the time we have.

Why do you wait for the life you want? Why do you wait to make the move? Why do you wait?

Sooner or later, your waiting time will end.

Do you still want to be where you are today? Or do you want something more?

It is not to late to have the wonderful life you deserve.

And if you need support join us for our December 100% online class "Doing the Right Things for You" (http://www.meellc.com/wordpress/onlineclass/) to get started.

"But, I am not like you Sarah." I hear too often.

I am nothing more special than you. I possess nothing greater than you.

I may pretend I am wonder woman, but I poop just like everybody else.

What I do though is choose to live my life loudly and largely today because my heart is filled with too many who never got that chance. Will you?

"Have the courage to follow your heart and your intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become."- Steve Jobs

All Too Familiar

If I gave up every time my head told me I couldn't, I would be nowhere.

It is so easy to get discouraged. To stop trying. To give up.

Years ago I was trapped in a world I saw no way out of. The thought of what the future held paralyzed me. I admitted defeat and accepted that the life I desired to have would never be.

I made the best of where I was- career wise, relationship wise, monetarily. Bitterness set in to my heart and I was defeated. Anger engulfed my being.

My self esteem plummeted and my dreams were stifled.

I became like the majority.

I watched as others changed to embrace their world. I stood by and criticized them because I was jealous.

Temporary fixes of goodness band-aided what I craved.

Until that too lost luster and I was defeated and bitter and angry, yet again.

Eventually, I lost me.

Until one day a small glimmer of hope came in the form of a move. To a new place, a new career. I clung to that like a baby to its mother.

I feared it was a joke.

Leaving the familiar and venturing forward was scary. My heart longed for the familiar even though it wasn't what I wanted, but the comfort almost enticed me to stay.

But I didn't and that has made all the difference.

Deep inside myself is a passion to help others- not only because I believe we should all live the lives we desire- but because I was there; and I know.

I see too much of the old me in too many of the people I know.

Growth can be painful, but God it is worth it!

So while I am not sure just how all that Mike and I do with www.meellc.com is going to work out, I believe in what we are doing from a personal agenda.

Because I know that if you are not happy where you are at, there is a way to change it. And I will hold your hand and love you through it all. As will Mike.

And I guarantee that once you invest in yourself, you will wonder why you waited so long.

You cannot change what was, but you can change what will be.

Falling Apart

Six blocks from my driveway the ocean continually kisses the beach while the water caresses the sand.

It is one of the most peaceful places I rarely visit.

Here I am living my dream of residing near the ocean, working from home, being my own boss, and yet I find I have easily slipped back into running around like a chicken with her head cut off.

 Demands of every day life engulf my time and I have a calendar overfilled with commitments.

WHAT?

Endless past weeks running, running, running left me worn out and frustrated.

Crashing on the floor I look at Mike and ask, "How did this happen?"

"I work from home and make my own schedule yet I have no time for myself or the simple pleasures of life. This is not right. Blah...blah...blah..." my outrage continues.

"This is not the life I wanted!" I finally exclaim.

And it isn't.

My shoulders slump and I feel defeated.

I feel exhausted and my lower back pains return. The running on empty me I fought so hard to get over is back. I literally ache.

But, I do not allow myself to stay stuck in despair. I give myself permission to put myself first again; to take care of me.

I spend an hour on Friday looking towards the next week and mapping out an hour a day for me. I vow to take better care of myself, again. I vow to make dates with my friends for fun, again. I vow to slow down enough to see things around me, again.

I forgive myself and return to loving me.

So when I am coming out of a new yoga class this morning and I am not rushing I see beauty.

Fawn colored shoulder length hair hangs tangled around her small head. She wears a short sleeved pale pink smocked dress with ripped lime green tights and tan ballet slippers.

She sits on a yellow plastic swing slightly twisted so her left leg hangs lower than her right. One bow dangles untied on her slippers.

The swing moves gently as if blowing in the calm breeze. Her head rests on her right hand holding onto the swing chain.

"You are my sunshine..." she sings loud and off key, a stark contrast to her serene posture. "My only sunshine..." she continues.

Stopping to listen I cannot see anything in her line of sight that she is singing too, but she is obviously happy in her own world.

I breathe. I feel. I know.

Just last week, and the week before, and the week before that, I missed a lot of this simple beauty moments. The moments that I call heart smiles. The moments when I realize that life is so much larger than my narrow minded view often allows me to see. The moments I believe God blesses me with.

Time is rarely our friend. We always want more of it. We wish for the kids to grow, to make more money, to be thinner, or retirement to come only so we can start living.

I was one of those once; I can easily slip back into that person.

It is a horrible shame when we find ourselves wishing for a life different than the one we have, yet doing nothing to create it. We sit waiting for what we believe is that magical time, or thing, or place. We let living become encumbered with craziness. Until we literally crash.

But, you know what? We don't have to.

This life you have today is not your dress rehearsal. What you do with your today and tomorrow is your choice. You know your desires. You have the strength inside of you to create the life you want.

Listen to your heart and give yourself permission to do one thing it is telling you. To see one beauty it is showing you. To feel one joy it is radiating.

I did. It was spectacular.

And as I turned and got in my car to drive away, I whispered a prayer in unison with the little girl..."please don't take my sunshine away."

Unwritten Obituaries

His deep bass voice was easily recognizable and his laugh echoed the same beautiful tone. His snow white hair and beard adorned his large frame and gave off the aura of importance.

He would snap his fingers and his son would come running on command. I often felt compelled to do the same. That is how big of a presence he made.

I learned quickly that his domineering presence was not a reflection of his gentle loving heart. This big booming jolly man fought through kidney disease while never losing the twinkle in his eyes.

He became a welcomed "parent" in my world quickly.

When I graduated college, his alma mater, he made the 5 hour trip to see my commencement. By this time he was walking with a cane and limp and I know this trip was rough, but he was there.

I received news this week that Bill's body finally gave up it's fight of 17 years with kidney disease. What an amazing addition he is to the choirs of Heaven!

Bill was gifted 66 years and I honestly believe he wasted none! He gave, he loved, he shared, he encouraged, he supported. Pieces of him are reflecting in the lives of others because of the way he lived.

Naturally, when I hear of a death it causes me to pause.

When my life train gets involuntarily derailed and my inner demons taunt my worth, I often find myself reflecting on what will be said when I die.

In reality we are every day writing our own obituary. Not that our decisions should be based on what we want others to say when we die, but that our choices should reflect who we truly are and the legacy we want to leave.

Back in March 2008 I wrote the following in my journal: "Lately I have thought a lot about my life and I try to think what I want my obit to say. I feel it is insignificant to list my professional accomplishments, but I hope it says: on my tombstone- Now Dancing with Jesus, not resting in peace!; in my obit- full of love, life and compassion, shared a glimpse of Jesus with others through actions, mom that made us all feel like we were her favorite, wife who stood by me and loved me unconditionally, a true friend who enlarged others, Jesus lover and prayer warrior. Thinking of these things make me TRY to evaluate how I act each day. Oh I fail a lot- but I'm trying."

I am not sure what caused me to write this years ago, but much of it still rings true today.

It is all too easy to get bogged down in a job we don't want to do, or stuck in a place we don't want to live, or a trapped in a life we are not living. Because...well, we all think we have time.

In the future, I will..... we all say. We place core components of who we are on the back burner playing a twisted game of Russian roulette with time.

Why? Do you know your expiration date?

There are no guarantees in this life but this one...we are all going to leave this earth some day.

I don't know about you, but the sad solemn typical farewell service is not what I want. I want my leopard colored coffin (although I am debating being cremated and put in a bottle and thrown in the ocean to travel the world with a note to call when you find me to let others know where I am partying) to be surrounded with my friends who are dancing and alive. Who have tucked a part of me in the corner of their hearts to spur them on to keep living.

Too often we wake up too late. Too often we let fear hold us back. Too often we lose our enthusiasm for life.

"If you had permission to do what you really want to do, what would you do? Don't ask how, that will cut your desire off at the knees. How is never the right question, how is a faithless question. It means unless I can see my way clearly, I won't believe it; I won't venture forth."

Our world has advance so much that we are crippled. When prairie people hitched up their wagon to venture to a new land, they didn't check their GPS to make sure there were no accidents to avoid or bad weather to hinder their journey.

They saddled up and rode forward.

There are several people I am thinking of right now who have shared that they wish certain things for their life. I believe that these are true desires of who they are and the life they were meant to live.

And I pray everyday that their obituary doesn't stay unwritten.

Love Lessons

The sticky late night August air swam through the crevices of the screened door. Shadows of sugar maple tree branches sprinkled across the entryway floor casting images of lovers entwined. Fireflies danced.

A small bench supported him as he sat down. He reached out and gently pulled her towards him. Wrapping his hands around her waist, he brushed the bare skin of her back accidentally as her shirt had come untucked. He placed his forehead against her stomach and sighed.

The wind kissed their skin as their hearts erratically beat. Silence loomed.

He moved his hands to her hips pulling her closer, and nestled his head deeper into her stomach.

"What do you want from me?" he whispered.

The question she had wanted for forever now made her mute.

Her head swarmed with visions of their life. Travel, adventure, simple joy. Laughter, dancing, unexpected bliss. Glimpses of beautiful, pure, wonderful love. In a moment they went from young lovers to parents to grandparents to holding hands as they rocked side by side in rocking chairs.

Her tongue wrestled to find the right words to say all this.

Time was now.

Somewhere in the distance a clock struck two times.

She placed both of her hands on the back of his head. Her deep breath made his head bob up and down for a moment.

"I don't know," she finally said. Her voice echoing eerily in the muted night.

His head shook in affirmation.

An unknown amount of time passed before he stood up, took her hand, and walked her to her car.

Before opening the door he took her face in his hands and turned her head towards him. Their eyes held mutual tears. He pulled her closer and hugged her goodbye.

She knew this was love lost.

She sat behind the steering wheel placing her keys in the ignition. He reached out and touched her through the glass of her window.

Wanting to touch her, but realizing that barrier now went deeper than a windowpane.

She would relive this night throughout her life. Not lamenting what might have been, but never missing the moment.

That night had given her an uncanny ability to face life with a force of bravery and passion that what do you want from me would never go unanswered.

And when just a little while ago, another he sat on top of the the dining room table, bare feet dangling off the side, and asked her the same question, she smiled. She walked to him, placed her hands on his knees, looked him in his eyes, found her words, and told him all that she desired.

And that was the life she received.

I stand in awe of the love I have been gifted. Knowing that I have never before felt the depths of pure unconditional bliss you have shown me. Thank you for the most beautiful life.

FOR ME

As I have gone through some major transitions in my life, I have chosen to not write a lot out of fear of what others would think. Would what I say be offensive? Would others think I am crazy? Would I be judged?

The sad truth is that even while I have not shared my journey, these things have still happened. Regardless, of sharing the truth of my heart, hoping that it may help someone else, I found myself still criticized for things. This only caused a downward spiral into self blame and so I chose to pull myself even tighter (because I was a pretty private person already) and surrounded and protected myself fiercely.

There was one person though, who refused to let me stand alone. Through consistent encouragement and persistent love, I was shown that even though sometimes I could not find words, and the tears would not stop, and my list of faults was endless....that I was valued. In the worst of the worst... I was still valued.

This grew to including a collection of friends---some new, some old---who sat listening, who made me laugh, who encouraged me, who opened their arms and embraced me, who invited me to their homes, who fed me... who filled my heart with hope.

William Bridges in his book "Transitions" writes that, "We have to let go of the old thing before we can pick up the new- not just outwardly, but inwardly, where we keep our connections to the people and places that act as definitions of who we are."

Great comfort is easily found in resting in what we have always known. And as much as I would like a life of great comfort, I cannot grow and become all that I made to be while resting in the familiar. So I have slowly found myself, after a brief period of just managing through each day, letting go so that I am ready.

There are still things I am working through, but I am thankful for those who have loved me unconditionally as I continue to embrace my journey. I thank God every single day for the special collection of friends that I am blessed with and love. Especially the one who despite what I said, knew what was in my heart. Thank you.

It seems so inadequate, but thank you.

Hope for a Better Day

"What is it?" I heard my GED instructor ask a student.

"I just can't seem to understand it all," he replied in his monotone voice. "I keep reading and it just makes less and less sense. I am just stupid. I can't do it."

The instructor asked probing questions to find out what was behind this statement.

Sitting with my office door ajar I overheard all of this conversation and my heart sank when he said, "My dad, he always told me I was stupid. I just know I will never do it."

He wears this statement day after day. His head hangs down, he rarely looks you in the eye, and his voice is monotone. He looks like a personified Eeyore.

Despite the fact that he has improved four math levels and that his comprehension scores have increased, he feels stupid. No matter what we say to him, his belief about himself is forever bruised by his childhood.

"Well, I guess I will come back tomorrow," he said as he left, with his head hanging low.

I sat for awhile thinking of him. Sad that his view of himself is so tainted, most likely damaged, and he continues to self inflict more sorrow.

My day was filled with depressing moments- a conversation with an employee in which I lacked optimism, a miscommunication with someone else that resulted in becoming guarded, sharing in the death of another employee's family member, budget cuts, and an endless list of needs.

I was glad when the day was over.

And like my client, I will come back tomorrow. Clinging to the hope of a better day--For me, for him, for my staff, for all those that we serve.