April 21, 2014

Choosing My Joie de Vivre

Change is hard.

Whether it is forced upon us or chosen, it is hard.  

That's why most of us stay.

Stay in unhappy situations.

Settle for passionless jobs.

Remain in unfulfilled or abusive relationships.

Live in the confines of what's familiar.

A few years ago that was me.

On the outside I had it all.

On the inside I was a shell.

Emotional battles raged.

I could please everyone else or choose my own happiness.

Seems selfish right?

But the truth is we have to take care of ourselves first, so we can take care of others and serve our purpose in this world.

Most of us have this backwards.

We do it all for others leaving nothing left to give ourselves.

So I chose me.

I left the comfort of the familiar neighborhood.

I left a failed relationship in my marriage.

I left my dream house.

I left a dog I loved.

And then other loses came.

A job ended.

Family and friends disappeared.

Health and dental insurance was lost.

When I chose me....I had no idea how much loss I would suffer.

It was painful.

Sometimes I still mourn things.

Pieces of my heart are still broken.

Perhaps some could have been done differently to not have some much pain received in such a short period of time, but I've never been one to do things half-hearted.

So I forged forward.

Living in a stripped down version of the life I craved to get to the life I was suppose to have.

My future was a a blank canvas with tons of unknowns.

And then I found love in the most unlikely of places.

And I have never known the depth of love like this.

Many things are still unknown or don't make sense.

Yet we both believe in each other.
That God had a hand in all of this.

And the long journey of pain, was worth it.

Every day is not easy.

Fears still exist.

Pains still linger.

But I know all of that was worth it to get to all of this.
And I don't regret the rain 
Or the nights I felt the pain
Or the tears I had to cry
Some of those times along the way
Every road I had to take
Every time my heart would break
It was just something that I had to get through
To get me to you, To get me to you 

And if I could I wouldn't change a thing...

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