Schedules were once a necessary part of my day. I was the to-do list master and was disciplined about self indulgence (usually playing on the computer or reading) until the work for the day was done and the girls were in bed and everything was ready for the next day and all the shoes were lined up by the door and all the dishes were clean...and... I had lost my spontaneity.
I think really though, I feared the loss of control. If I wasn't in charge things would not happen, they would not get done right, or fast enough. I was a master at controlling myself...and tried to control others...to make them fit into what I wanted them to be.
Life was structured and routines prevailed. Interruptions greatly threw my world off kilter and made me angry.
That was then.
Cass was sick today and as she lay resting on the couch, I spent the day playing on the computer. A few times I thought that about the floors that needed to be mopped...and eventually the wash made it to the dryer. Yet, my mind was consumed in thinking about the next big event in my life.
For once again in my life, I am ready to throw caution to the wind and dive right in without holding my nose. It has been a long, long time since I felt this ready for something. So today I got frustrated when I felt like all the reasons of why not now (albeit practical ones) were being shared with me.
So I started to revert to planning...organizing...controlling. Letting the ugly old parts of me start to have life in now. That is not who I am.
So honey, forget all the what ifs, the hows, all the little things we just don't know. Life has a way of working itself out. Often better than we can imagine. I know what is real, and true, and beautiful. I take this gift of us and want to celebrate it as only we can.
There was a time when I would not have been able to say all of that, but this is now.
I believe. I trust. I am ready.