January 11, 2012

Sharing My Journey

In a world full of expectations we are doomed to fail. Try as I might to be the perfect mother, wife, friend, daughter, boss, employee....I have wonderfully failed in all of these areas.

Tonight I find myself reflecting on my failures.

There were days when I was simply perfect in all these things, doing what everyone else expected. Going, going, going and going to the point of crashing. Only to take a twenty minute reprieve and go at it again. I wanted to escape, even for a weekend get-a-way alone, but the guilt of taking time for me always won over.

Running eventually became my escape and turned into something I enjoyed. Countless offers of others to run with me were avoided because this was the only thing that I gave to myself.

I have always worked. I have always said yes. I have always done everything I could for others. I have always placed others needs ahead of my own. I have tried to meet expectations of others at the cost of myself.

As much as I love celebrating others through giving, I hate receiving gifts. I get uneasy opening gifts in front of others and subdue emotions when doing so. I commented to my best friend last night that when he shows up I am so excited, but I rarely show it. Receiving gifts, in any form, is not easy for me.

Why is it so hard to just be who we are? Why do we convince ourselves that being us is not enough? Why do we not celebrate the wonderfully wacky and unique person we are?

My life is not picture perfect and it is not what others wish it was. I have received enough notes of failure in the last several months to know just what others do not like about my life.

Yet despite the daily expectations of others I fail to meet, I am learning that is okay to be me. Each day I discover new gifts that I am learning to receive and I am learning to express the joy of such things.

I know my faults. I have accepted my failures. I still struggle to find consistency in the middle of being too strict or too lenient. But I am me. On a journey of learning, discovering, accepting, believing, trusting, and growing.

In a world full of expectations we are doomed to fail. I will never be perfect and that is okay.

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