January 2, 2013

Introducing my 2013

I have never been one to set new year's resolutions in a thought out manner. Sure, I would throw the "I would like to lose 10lbs" out there every once in awhile, but I never sat down and thoughtfully wrote them out.

I guess I did not want to set myself up for failure. I am wired so that when I write something down I am going to do it. It is like the simple act of committing it onto paper...taking a thought and transforming it into written words... make it a commitment for me.

I truly can be my worst enemy.
For instance when I run, I compete with myself. I like to run the same races or the same course so that I can compete against my previous time. Even in training runs I will set my mind with a time that I would like to complete my run in and on the rare occasion I don't make it I will fret, a lot, about being two seconds slower than I wanted. True example.

But in 2012 I gave myself a year off to recharge, repair, and refocus.

I learned to sit in quiet without my mind shooting a thousand thoughts around. I ran without wearing a watch to calculate my time or distance, instead ran a pace and distance on how my body felt. I did not work and struggled through the loss of the sense of pride and accomplishment I got out of getting dressed up and giving my best to serve others. I slept, a lot. I saw God in the most unexpected and surprising ways. I let go, although I didn't want to, of control. I married the most crazily, wonderful, beautiful man. And after I let go of (most of my) fears, I lived a life that I had always wanted to but never thought possible.

I stepped out of the shadow of what others thought I should be and do and declared to the world....well, okay maybe only myself but it was very freeing, that I am unapologetically me.

The freedom of feeling like a wanderer in my own life was both frightening and fun. There is much that I want to carry forward in 2013 and I have decided my theme for this year is joie de vivre, which means to express a cheerful enjoyment of life; an exultation of spirit.

I am not looking at setting a list of resolutions for myself, but rather hopes. Things I would like to do...but not just to meet a particular definable goal....but to grow as a person. I am looking at the big areas in which I would like to grow and finding tangible ways to do so.

I find that when I write and share what I write the feedback I get from others offers great comfort that I am not alone in thoughts, fears or wacky moments. Connecting, albeit virtually, makes the great big world not so abstract. After all, we are all on our own unique journeys and I love watching and encouraging others as they write their own fascinating stories.

One area I am working on is expressing emotions more openly with others. I can and do share, but often it comes through a filtered lens of not offending people or wondering if others will think I am nuts, instead of the raw emotion of what is.

So I set out to commit to writing more and sharing it publicly. Not for anything other than besides telling my own story. Whether it makes you laugh or cry or scratch your head in wonder or not like me or challenge you...well you are getting (unapologetically) me.

This is just the first page in my 2013 joie de vivre. Welcome....

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