March 20, 2013

Not my Plans

Sitting down at my computer I logged on to look at my bank balance. The deposit that was suppose to be made was missing. I quickly logged onto another site to check that the money had been forwarded, only to receive a message saying it had not been.

Hands shaking I called to inquire as to why my money had not been deposited and was told there was none left in my account to forward.

I hung up and sat in a chair stunned. Unmovable.

I spiraled down into despair quote quickly.

The safety net I had, which ironically covered my debts to a penny, ended. Suddenly, unexpectedly, without warning. 

The blackest clouds filled my world, my heart sank into a pitiful place of dread. I saw no way out.
I cried. I ranted. I questioned.

Being my own worst challenge, I could not figure a way out. 

How is this going to work? What am I going to do?

I cursed Mark Twain's challenge to throw off the bowlines and sail away from the safe harbor.

Hadn't I thrown caution to the wind?  I feel so ready to be used for my good purpose in life, but now what?

Auto pilot took me through the next few days.

In trying to keep routine I set out for my run. My head and heart screamed my fears out to God. I rattled on and on....running and running. 


Suddenly I felt an echoing in my body.

Trust me Sarah..........
But, I started to protest.....
Trust me Sarah.....
But, I started to protest again....
Trust me Sarah.....continually bounced back in the calmest unwavering message and each time I protested.
And finally......Sarah, trust me.

I wish I could say that I felt elated and at peace but I didn't. Yet, I knew I needed to trust God. 


Remembering that I have always asked God to throw a brick at me as subtleties are lost on me, I began to feel a little better. I started to plan out what I needed to do, how I would move forward. Yet, I didn't like my options and fought them openly.

I resigned myself to my only choice. And then held a pity party for days.

A week later, I again logged onto my bank account to pay some bills and saw the money I thought was gone was deposited. I logged off my account and on again to be sure. 

I was speechless.


Sitting in my chair trying to find my breath, words from an old potter's clay choir song streamed through my mind.

...sometimes to start again, he needs to break it, but when he stops the wheel his loving hands reveal...a work of art the way he wants to make it...oh, Lord my heart can take if you want to use me, I'm ready for the pain. I know that you will hold me, 'till your purpose is made plain. In every pain or pleasure, I delight in your command. For Lord, you are the potter, I'm just a vessel in your hands.

I cried. 

When given the opportunity to trust. I didn't. 

I fell apart. I sat in self pity. I closed my heart to listening and found a way to grab control. I forged ahead, planning what's next. I found a way to make it work my way. For naught.

Hey Sarah, Trust me.

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