Living

Live. I think for many of us we think we are living, but what I have discovered lately is that often we become complacent in the safety of our lives that we forget to really live. I have always been a pretty positive person, but somewhere along the line, I started to become too practical. "We can't do that... because..." became more and more my response. Perhaps it was out of fear of embarrassment or lack of immediate resources, but my endless field of dreams started shrinking. Due to no specific set of circumstances I began to realize that living had become a checklist of daily routines and that needed to change.

Reflection. I have spent a lot of time reflecting on my life and have uncovered some "beliefs" I developed. I am not sure where these "beliefs" came from but I realized I am working hard so that one day I can retire and travel or learn a new hobby, that my daughters will have a better childhood because I am raising them in the country, that my marriage will be better because I live in a small "Christian" town, and that living a life of purpose means settling in comfort. I began to realize that these "beliefs" were faulty and also needed to change.

Change. I am uncertain as to what my future holds and yet I find myself gearing up for the adventure. Retirement will come someday, but I am not waiting until then to travel or learn a new hobby. And my daughters will have a great childhood because of the way they were raised and loved. And my marriage will be strong because I worked at it. I am not bound by fear of practicality or stifled by routine. I am ready to be challenged, uncomforted, and used for whatever God has in mind.

For I believe that in really living we can embrace our passions and find the true nature of who we were made to be.

In Processing

I have spent much time "in processing." Our foster children moved to a new foster home at the end of September and I have spent the past few weeks trying to settle back into normal. Over the course of the last 3 years, we have had different people live in our house that being just the 5 of us has not happened for awhile.
The experience of foster parenting was wild! I think I need more time before I can fully reflect on everything. There are things that I may never be able to say and yet so much I will need to share. What a journey.
I say that I am in detox now (not that I have firsthand experience in that), but going from a whirlwind high, nonstop, constant loud, always on mindset and day to quiet and reflection, has caused an emotional and physical letdown.
No matter where I end up in my processing, my greatest wish is that I was able to give the kids hope: That they felt loved, that they saw a different way of life, and that they felt safety and peace.

A Vacation from Vacation

So I just got back from a week of vacation. On my vacation I spent one day traveling to our destination, one day at the Bronx Zoo, one day traveling to Allentown to visit my grandfather, one day in NYC, one day at Seaside Heights beach and one day traveling home. It was a wonderful and fun time, but a vacation???
Traveling with 3 girls- 6,4, and 20 months- is enough to drive the most calm person a little nuts and I am far from calm. Thankfully the girls were actually almost angelic on the ride to and from home.
So I took an extra day off work to rest. On this day I unpacked everyone, cleaned the house, cleaned the car and went to the food store.
The nice thing about our vacation was that Ben was able to get many house projects finished while we were away. So while I did not have a "vacation" it is so nice to look around and see the dining room door trimmed, our bedroom project complete--- cleaning out the mold, removing the carpet and part of the wall, fixing the wall, putting in laminate flooring, the porch columns completed and all white, and the many other things that Ben finished up.
I think we both now need a real vacation.