An Identified Family

So today, in a sense, it officially begins. We received our final homestudy report. As I write this I am crying tears of joy and sadness. It is so unreal to me to actually be at this point. Since middle school I wanted to adopt. It is so hard to explain, but it is just something I have always known I would do. Imagine my surprise when Ben and I talked about this for the first time in 1999 and this was not something he wanted to do. I told him that I would not nag him about changing his mind. I told him that I would pray about it and if it is something he would ever consider doing then we would proceed. Oh that was hard to let it be.
It was not until 2006 that we talked about this again. It was a friend of mind who was going through adoption that opened us this door for us. I remember telling Ben about this situation and his response being totally different than I expected. Our original discussion ended up that we would consider adoption sometime in the future, but only of an infant. I inquired of a local adoption agency to see what was involved and what the cost were. We were not ready yet to proceed.
In the summer of 2008 we really thought we were not going to have a homestay student and started talking about what to do with the extra bedroom. Adoption came up again and I started looking at the children waiting for a forever family photolistings. I can never look through these listings without my heart breaking for so many kids that need a family. I showed Ben a few of these and we decided we were ready to seriously think about adopting. But I knew we had to be on the same page about this and I said to Ben that I did not want an infant and he felt the same way. We talked more and were completely on the same page about this.... well maybe not everything... as I would adopt like 6 kids and Ben 1 or 2.
We talked with our good friend Angela and it just so happened that the local foster care classes were starting in a week. We decided to proceed and go through this training as we would like to adopt through the foster care system.
So to be at this point where essentially we are being considered as parents for a child(ren) is so unreal to me. I pray for patience as we wait to hear about our inquiries, for wisdom as our file is reviewed for specific children, for guidance as we are presented with possibilities, and for peace as we do not proceed or are not "chosen" for a child.
And here is the sadness part... I pray that for every child that we cannot provide a home for, that someone else will. It makes me so sad to think of children going through life without a forever family. I know that we are not the right parents for every child, but I also strongly believe that somewhere there is- there is the right parent(s) for each child. So I pray for those connections to be made. One quote that I really like is "There are no unwanted children; just unidentified families." I so look forward to the day when we are one less unidentified family.

Peace. Soon. Please

I am searching for peace in this mess with Ben's infections. (Sadly Ben's Achilles tendon surgery has resulted in two infections, medications, and bed rest.) I was chatting with a good friend last night and she mentioned Job. Even more so, I cannot imagine how he managed through all of his trials.
I feel so far from peace. I really do feel like Jesus is right next to me yet I cannot reach him. I suppose I could be inflicting this on myself, but I feel removed. That there is this barrier between us. I know we are surrounded in prayer and love, yet I feel distant from the Comforter.
I tried to sing praises in church, yet all I could do was cry.
I am broken. I want to be strong, have confidence that He is in control, and able to accept the recovery period with grace, yet I am empty.
So please, God, please send me peace. soon. please.

A Vacation from Vacation

So I just got back from a week of vacation. On my vacation I spent one day traveling to our destination, one day at the Bronx Zoo, one day traveling to Allentown to visit my grandfather, one day in NYC, one day at Seaside Heights beach and one day traveling home. It was a wonderful and fun time, but a vacation???
Traveling with 3 girls- 6,4, and 20 months- is enough to drive the most calm person a little nuts and I am far from calm. Thankfully the girls were actually almost angelic on the ride to and from home.
So I took an extra day off work to rest. On this day I unpacked everyone, cleaned the house, cleaned the car and went to the food store.
The nice thing about our vacation was that Ben was able to get many house projects finished while we were away. So while I did not have a "vacation" it is so nice to look around and see the dining room door trimmed, our bedroom project complete--- cleaning out the mold, removing the carpet and part of the wall, fixing the wall, putting in laminate flooring, the porch columns completed and all white, and the many other things that Ben finished up.
I think we both now need a real vacation.

It is well with my soul

Today my grandmother entered into the presence of her Heavenly Father. It also happens to be my mom's birthday, and it was her mother who passed.
I search for comfort, looking to my Lord silently singing...."When peace like a river attendeth my soul, when sorrows like sea billows roll, whatever my lot, Thou hast taught me to say, It is well, it is well with my soul."
Oh I wish those words could only help the ache go away. For I cling to the hope and promise that I will be able to rest in the knowledge that it really is well with my soul.
I have carried a card around in my Bible that we received when Pop passed away in 1995. " A rose once grew where all could see, sheltered beside a garden wall, And, as the days passed swiftly by, it spread its branches, straight and tall... One day a beam of light shone through a crevice that had opened wide--- The rose bent gently towards its warmth then passed beyond to the other side.... Now, you who deeply feel its loss, be comforted--- the rose blooms there--- Its beauty even greater now nurtured by God's own loving care."
Oh God, thank you for allowing us to be blessed with Grandma for so many years. Thank you for sustaining her through trials and never letting her faith waver. Thank you for loving her more than we ever could. Thank you for ending her pain and welcoming her home. Thank you for loving me and hearing my cry in sorrow.

Riding with Jesus

As my grandmother sits waiting to dance in the arms of her Heavenly Father, I have been thinking a lot. What is it like to know that your journey on earth is nearing completion? Does one even comprehend the final moments?
I think many of us, especially when someone near us is dying, tend to think about our own lives more. I already have a list of things I would like to do in life--- some small, some big. And thankfully I have been blessed with a wonderful husband and friends who join me in my adventures.
As a mom of 3 girls I tend to get wrapped up in their adventures, which is great, but I also need to embrace my dreams. I am not advocating one neglect being a mother/wife to pursue their own dreams, but I do think we often place our dreams on a back burner too often. And before we know it time is gone.
I can remember my Grandma telling me years ago how she wanted to ride a motorcycle with a white scarf blowing in the wind. She might have been joking, but I remember the smile on her face and the light in her eyes as she talked. What is it that holds us back? Why do we wish and let time pass by?
Grandma, may you pass without regrets, may you know you are surrounded in love, and may you enjoy your motorcycle ride with Jesus with your white scarf blowing in the wind.