A Touch of a Holy Night

She shines like a star behind moving clouds as the street light flickers off and on, illuminating her figure every other second.

Her backdrop is a red brick wall turned gray by the night and she appears as though a ghost.

Somewhere in the distance a dog barks, yet her feet shuffle in their own singsong dance.

While her knotted lace shawl adds a touch of exquisiteness to her being.

And something glitters brightly on her left hand.

It’s an odd sight for this time of night.

Is she lost? And where is she going?

Not wanting to cause her alarm, I drive past.

Glancing in my rear view mirror, I see her turn.

And I stop.

I park my car and begin a tiptoe journey to spy on her.

For a moment she stops and looks around alarmed.

I pause and hide behind nothing by the night.

She resumes her shuffling

I follow on tiptoes.

When she enters the graveyard, I stop.

And I understand.

Tempted to follow, I decide to let her be.

This is their moment.

And I am a unwanted spectator.

I tiptoe back to  my car.

And my heart hurts for the grief she carries.

And my heart marvels at the love she still gives.

My radio beams…silent night, holy night…

And though I have not witnessed the birth of a baby in a manger,

I have seen glories stream from heaven above.

My Wishes

Star light, star bright, first star I see tonight….

Stringy blond haired and blue-eyed little me would sit at my windowsill each night, wishing.

As I got older I would sit, hoping.

And now I sit, praying.

My life journey has not gone as planned at all.

My dream of working in marketing for a sports team I gave up when I got married the first time.

The job offer was there from an NFL team, but I chose marriage and then a baby carriage, and another and another.

And what could have been a wildly successful career was replaced by a Love, and a Grace and a Joy that are my three greatest creations.

My life was steady, but a relationship began failing, and so I chose to give more of myself away and become a foster mom.

This mother of three became a mother of seven overnight.

My heart learned a depth of evil of others in the world that I still cannot talk about.  

Yet I grew in love towards a son and three daughters who confirmed family is not simply blood.

And when they left, the reality of what wasn’t there still existed.

I tried all I could to make it right, but I lost to a depression that refused to allow the other to see what needed to be done.

Still a hope existed when I got the permission to move back to be near the beach.

A dream I never gave up.

But temporary happiness was fleeting and divorce soon came and I was left alone.

I had my dream house, three beautiful girls, and a job I loved.

Until my job became restrictive and evil people of power threatened me.

So I hid.

My heart was bursting in love that I could not share.

And I felt pushed back into a shell of what I should be.

Until one day enough was enough.

I would not live like this.

And that cost me my job.

So an unlikely match to the world was formed and I married a man who holds my heart.

Time and money were our friend and we took advantage of it all.

Until it ran out.

And new creative endeavors never took off.

But happiness overflows in two once broken hearts that constantly explode like fireworks of their first kiss.

Yet, I know my plans are little compared to what lies ahead.

So…I wish I may, I wish I might…NOT have the wish I wish tonight. 

Good Friday

"HI, I’m Sarah…”I said reaching out to shake her hand.

Slowly she reaches out her hand and took mine while her mouth drops open.

“That was my mom’s name,” she whispers to herself.

Guiding her back to my office I ask her for her name.

She sits in my office with the deer in the headlight look.

I wait as she seems eager to say something, but cannot find the words.

“I was my mother’s caregiver for years,” she says with a fierce strength in her eyes.

“And she passed away three months ago, “Her mouth remains open to continue, but silence comes.

Her fingers dance amongst themselves as her eyes break the strength they tried to hold, and tears come.

“It’s just so hard and no one understands. We were so close. I just….”

And she lets herself cry.

“I know there are no words to describe how it feels when you were so needed and loved, and suddenly that feels gone,” I say.

She glares at me and I know that while I have not embraced her physically, I have embraced her hurt.

“We all have an internal desire to be needed and loved, but most of us go through life feeling empty and unused,” I continue.

She nods in fierce agreement.

“And oh how special and indescribable it is when we fill those pieces of ourselves. And how lost we feel when we lose that.”

Her smile hugs me.

We go on to have a fabulous discussion about how she wants to volunteer.

She needs to be around others, giving of herself, sharing and receiving joy. Feeling wanted. Needed. Appreciated.

Her needs are not much different than my own.

Few ever take the steps to find this fulfillment.

They get lost in meaningless relationships keeping a waning glimmer of maybe, the find safety in the familiar, they fail to see their gifts.

She doesn’t want to leave, but she doesn’t want to keep me either.

“You know, I was just in the area and thought I would stop over here to see how I could volunteer,” she says gathering her things.

“And then you come out and your name is the same as my mother’s.”

I walk her to the door and she turns around, “It’s never a coincidence is it?” I say.

She smiles and I know. Her Sarah has touched this moment. This day.

And she is taking all the pain of her loss and turning it into joy by giving of herself to help others.

Can it be any better?

Dear My Micheal

I didn’t know what I was singing up for. Not that it would have changed anything. I’m crazy enough to have married a rock star.

And it’s hard to share.

A humble man, just trying to be a beach bum is forever bombarded with other’s needs.

His success follows him and people expect great things.

And he will give it all.

Now before you think I am selfish- I am not. I am a giver, but I learned to set boundaries because I became depleted before. And so has he.

So I am over protective of him.

And of us.

And of our time.

It took half of my lifespan to get to him. And It’s unknown how much is left.

I have never met anyone that loves everyone the way he does.

Even those that took it all from him, he rarely casts a negative stone.

He is a friend to all and lots consider him their best friend.

Many emulate him.

But he is also just one man.

With six kids who adore him.

A cat he swore he’ d never own that sleeps at his feet.

A Little Gay Dog that prances in love.

And a Goddess, who helped hold his heart.

Most of our days are glorious, but we both carry scars.

And insecurities sometimes get the best of us.

Allowing others to take our joy.

Because they envy what we have.

And think they are on equal footing.

But they are looking at the rock star and not the man.

A distinction few understand.

And while many cling to you as their anything.

You are my everything.

Just Bent

Are you there God?

Predisposed to anger I am trying to take all the pent up frustrations of this week and use them for positive.

Which is why I scrubbed the bathroom floors and baseboards on my hands and knees, organized my kitchen cupboards, alphabetized the spices, cleaned, ran, cleaned, wrote letters, etc.

Returning from a glorious vacation I was snapped back into reality when I realized my renter had fled the state and left his girlfriend squatting at my rental house.

Which is trashed.

Advised to take the high road and give her time to get her stuff out...only made me more frustrated.

I am tired of adults not being held accountable for their actions. Why can she live there rent free for two weeks?

Sometimes it sucks being a nice person. We always seem to get screwed.

So the added expense of un-budgeted/unexpected repairs lands on top of a dwindling checking
account.

Of course, this comes right after the blow that I didn't get the job I really wanted. Not even a second interview.

And the news is flooded with parents intentionally leaving their kids in hot cars and the kid dies. Yet I have several friends mourning losses of babies they briefly held or can never have.

So God, I know all the verses I am to repeat to myself...for my light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all...

But God, why?

Why do bad things happen to good people?

I use to be under the illusion that it was punishment for sins, but I don't think you really are like that.

Make your face shine on your servant, save me with your steadfast love....

See the verses aren't helping me because I'm struggling to believe them at this moment. I'm just uttering the words.

It's not just one thing, but a lot rests unsettled in my heart. A lot thrown at me in the past few weeks.

I'm not broken, just bent.

Bent towards cynical thinking, unfairness to those who do good.

I know it's not my place to judge, but God seriously you know the people I am talking about and I just don't get it.

So, I know you are there. And I know you are listening. And I know you feel my heart. And I know you see my weakness of anger.And I know you see the hurt.

But I'm trying.... Can you give me a little nod?

Choosing My Joie de Vivre

Change is hard.

Whether it is forced upon us or chosen, it is hard.  

That's why most of us stay.

Stay in unhappy situations.

Settle for passionless jobs.

Remain in unfulfilled or abusive relationships.

Live in the confines of what's familiar.

A few years ago that was me.

On the outside I had it all.

On the inside I was a shell.

Emotional battles raged.

I could please everyone else or choose my own happiness.

Seems selfish right?

But the truth is we have to take care of ourselves first, so we can take care of others and serve our purpose in this world.

Most of us have this backwards.

We do it all for others leaving nothing left to give ourselves.

So I chose me.

I left the comfort of the familiar neighborhood.

I left a failed relationship in my marriage.

I left my dream house.

I left a dog I loved.

And then other loses came.

A job ended.

Family and friends disappeared.

Health and dental insurance was lost.

When I chose me....I had no idea how much loss I would suffer.

It was painful.

Sometimes I still mourn things.

Pieces of my heart are still broken.

Perhaps some could have been done differently to not have some much pain received in such a short period of time, but I've never been one to do things half-hearted.

So I forged forward.

Living in a stripped down version of the life I craved to get to the life I was suppose to have.

My future was a a blank canvas with tons of unknowns.

And then I found love in the most unlikely of places.

And I have never known the depth of love like this.

Many things are still unknown or don't make sense.

Yet we both believe in each other.
 
That God had a hand in all of this.

And the long journey of pain, was worth it.

Every day is not easy.

Fears still exist.

Pains still linger.

But I know all of that was worth it to get to all of this.
 
And I don't regret the rain 
Or the nights I felt the pain
Or the tears I had to cry
Some of those times along the way
Every road I had to take
Every time my heart would break
It was just something that I had to get through
To get me to you, To get me to you 
And if I could I wouldn't change a thing...

Sex...The Topic Most Avoid

I have wanted to write this blog for a long time, but every time the words come our condemning and that is not my intention. So I write my heart, knowing this may not sit well with some and apologizing for any I offend ahead of time.

There has been a lot of bloggers, specifically moms, blogging about girls and/or their daughters and how we need to be careful that our girls are not giving the wrong message to boys. Don't post your pictures they are too provocative, don't be friends with boys they only want sex, don't want to dance with boys or you will become a whore, you only need to be around "Godly" boys. I could go on and on, but won't. Worse, most of these blogs slap on a Bible verse, often taken out of context, but fitted in to make their point.

I would love to sit down and have a conversation with each of these moms to understand their viewpoint better. And to have them define terms like "Godly" that they toss around as if it has a universal meaning.  And to talk about scripture as a whole.

As a mother of three daughters I find these blogs disturbing.

Women are still being blamed. And this is damaging our girls/daughters.

I want my girls to develop to become all that they are. To feel beautiful from within. To not fear men. To not fear sex or their own sexuality.

"We just want out daughter's to be 'good' girls right? But does good include denying sexual feelings? Denying one's sexuality is a denial of the body itself and in this way, discourages self-control. That's why it's so important that we teach our daughters to love and respect their sexuality, as well as every other aspect of their bodies."- Brenda Richardson

Of course I do not want my daughters to be promiscuous and I pray every day they marry someone who is loving, honest, faithful, fulfilling, honoring, and challenging (here is where I leave off the generic "Godly" term.) I pray they do not marry someone that makes them feel used and expects and demands sex because they are married.

After all, the Bible says: "How beautiful and pleasant you are, O loved one, with all your delights. Your stature is like a palm tree and your breasts are like its clusters. I say I will climb the palm tree and lay hold of its fruit." Song of Solomon 7:6-8

Why do we continue to teach our girls/daughters that sex is bad, yet yearn for them to have an emotionally and physically satisfying marriage?

Where we are lacking is in teaching our kids (boys and girls) about healthy relationships. Relationships among peers of both genders. Learning how to develop respect for themselves and others. Learning how to be confident in their convictions and beliefs.

We often lock them into a world filled with "you can't do this or that..."

But they do anyway.

And they hide it from us.

I was one of those kids. Only allowed to date when I was 16 and only "Christian" boys. Yet, it was those "Godly Christian" boys who were practicing how to have a submissive spouse with me.

So I am trying to raise my girls to be confident in who they are, discovering the gifts God has blessed them with, able to ask me anything (and they do....as semen and blue balls was a recent topic of discussion), that not only "Christian" boys are good, and to not be afraid to develop their sensual side.

It's time we stop placing blame on a gender. Especially our own gender, Moms.

Perhaps my prayers now extend beyond my own daughters and to a mass of girls still confined to a damaging viewpoint of the beautiful, strong, smart, and sexual beings God created them to be.

Still Divorcing the Past

I am painting our red room red. Taking the dull faded paint of years gone by and repainting it shiny, bright and new. I enjoy things like this so am taken completely off guard when my mind starts reminding me of not so happy things.

Things I buried, but have not dealt with. And I have the urge to write it out, but am torn between sharing my heart and not offending others. It's a fine line easily crossed.

Much like painting I covered parts of my past with this wonderful "new" life I have been blessed  with.

But I know one of my struggles is forgiveness.

Letting go of painful things others have said or done to me.

So when I was going through my divorce...I was told...

"This is not allowed, you need to fix it..."

"Just be more submissive..."

"You alone caused all this..."

"You won't be loved..."

"You'll never be happy again..."

"You'll only be used by other men in the future..."

"You are damaging your girls for life..."

"No-one will take care of you..."

"You are a sinner..."

I was doomed to hell.

And I sat there letting my (Christian) friends and family throw stones at me.

Until my silence caused some to just delete me from their lives.

I was no longer an aunt, sister, best friend, in-law.

I still grieve these losses.

They still sting.

I was far from perfect, but so were they.

I never put them aside.

And I suppose that is where I struggle.

Blaming myself for my own made-up reasons of why things were said or people left me.

But the truth is, much of what was said were the same reasons that led to the divorce.

Change and growth are often hard.

More often on others, than on the one growing and changing.

It's time though.

Time that I find the strength to let these things go.

To let go of the hold toxic people have on me, so that I can fully enjoy now.

Choosing Me

He sits across from me at the kitchen table, "You are still divorcing yourself from the past..."

Obviously!

You cannot take years and years of things and poof they disappear.

Well maybe you can, but I can't.

I don't live in the past, but there are still things I am trying to reconcile.

To learn from.

To forgive.

It's obvious I lack the grace to just let the pains inflicted where there should have been love just be.

I wouldn't trade the scars for today.

But there are things I need to understand in my heart.

There are things I need to caress until I am able to say okay, I will never know that answer.

More importantly I need to forgive myself.

I believe with everything in me that I am exactly where I should be and most of the time I live that way.

But there are moments that I think...yeah...this is all to good to be true. I don't deserve this. I shut off emotions only accepting the love I think I deserve. Sometimes that's not much.

I am more hurt by the fact that I allowed myself to become less than me. That instead of believing in myself, I believed what others thought and lived a life trying to be worthy of their love.

I was perfect, but never good enough.

Until I know longer knew who I was.

And the person in the mirror possessed someone who didn't belong.

A carbon copy of expectations met to please others.

So I started finding myself.

And the me I started becoming suffered even more than the "perfect me." 

I felt trapped.

Bitter.

Angry.

Unworthy.

My choice...continue living a life that others wanted me to have to please them even though there was no love, or choose me.

I chose me.

And I am still learning to love myself.

Discovering the wonderfully weird and adventurous me that existed before, again. 

Learning to accept love for who I am.

Knowing that even if I ever stand alone again, the person in the mirror will be me.

"Friend" or Friend

My closet is full of dark skeletons that I wish to go away, but don't.

 

Over the last several years I have tried to allow who I am to be who I was in life.

 

But the sad truth is that in doing this, I lost a lot.

 

People no longer associated with me.

 

They found fault in everything I did. 

 

They talked behind my back.

 

Truths became twisted to fit their narrow view of understanding.

 

As I was learning to love me, I found others no longer did.

 

My already fragmented trust was broken further.

 

Wasn't this process of being authentically me suppose to be freeing?

 

It was. Just not as I expected.

 

Looking back I realize I lost what held me back from being me.

 

Painful at the time, I now understand it was necessary.

 

Freeing was found in letting go.

 

This not only meant my feelings or emotions or roles, but of other people.

 

I did not choose to let anybody go. They left.

 

And perhaps that is what hurt the most. It wasn't my choice.

 

I felt abandoned and alone.

 

Until I realized that truth.

 

There was still a collection of people who loved me as I became me.

 

It was small, but their love was great. Real.

 

And I would rather have a handful of friends who love me authentically, than a world full of people who love me selfishly.

Consider this your Kick in the Ass

There will come a day you get the phone call you never wanted.

There's been an accident and your son, daughter, husband, wife.....

It was just before lunch and he was heading home from work sick. His wife and three young kids awaited his arrival. There was no threat of ice or snow. Just a normal drive home on the route he always took. Only it wasn't.

Heading in the same direction was a mid-20 year old man and his mother. There was construction on the road, but there always is in this part.

He veers to the left a little and hits a concrete wall which sends his car into the air.

That car flies into the air and lands on top of the other car heading in the same direction. Instantly killing the driver.

It is unreal. Almost a scene out of a movie. No alcohol, texting, or bad weather to blame.

Hearing this story on the news is horrible enough, but the sick guy heading home happened to be my husbands son's best friend.

I immediately question God. Why?

What if Matt had only left 10 minutes later...what if he was driving slower...what if...

When things like this happen we search for blame. We seek answers to questions that will never be answered. We imagine every other scenario with happy endings. We search for a peace that we cannot find.

We ponder how fragile life is. How it really is a gift each day without any guarantee.

The restlessness of why and how propels us to not take our own life for granted. For a little while anyway!

Until we slip back into the routine of what our life has always been. Because there is always tomorrow.

And things are going to be better when you lose those 10 lbs., or when you retire, or when your kids are grown, or when you have the perfect job, or when you drive the new car, or when you finally have extra money, or when you finally have more time.

A thousand things you desire to do, later.

Sadly, for most of us that time never comes. There is always, ALWAYS, something that gets in the way.

Every day people share with me their desires immediately followed by their excuses.

It's sad.

I lived that once too.

Not anymore.

I try my best to live my life now with the intention "to not arrive at my grave safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside in a cloud of smoke, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming, Wow! What a ride!"

All I have is now.

All you have is now.

So why are you waiting?

Who are you Screwing?

A horrible fallacy lies in the saying "sticks and stones may break my bones, but names will never hurt me."

When I went through my divorce I got the nastiest emails from my loving Christian friends. Sticks and stones of bitter anger thrown at me labeling me with names. I was doomed to hell. 

I felt unlovable.

Dirty.

Judged.

Condemned.

Few loved me when I was "unclean" to them. 

The thread hair belief I had left in organized religion finally snapped. 

I wanted to throw my own sticks and stones right back on them. For years, I held their shared secret hurts and wounds in silence.

But I couldn't. 

My emotional strength was gone.

I harbor hate that I am trying to let go. I need to find a way to do this.

See names do more than hurt...they scar.

If you could see my heart there are a thousands scars tightly embedded that sometimes glisten so bright they sometimes easily cloud the good.

But I choose to not focus on the hate, but use it to help others who are making a change.

In a way it's the ultimate "screw you!"

Using my own wounds to passionately help others propel themselves through change.

To guide and protect them on their journey.

Because NO ONE deserves to be scarred for being what or who they are designed to be.

Change is often a solo journey.

With others laughing or mocking you as you evolve.

Because their own fears cloud their belief that you could be better off in a different job, living someplace else, not married to their son.

And you continue to move forward, and they continue to feel left behind.

But that's their choice.

And then one day you realize you finally feel at home.

You are where you are suppose to be, doing what you were meant to do, living with whom you heart was meant to love. 

And it looks a whole lot different than you ever imagined. 

And they still can't figure it out.

In fact, you scare them. 

Because you did something so many desire but never do.

You choose to live your life for you.

And sometimes the past haunts the present and you kick and scream it away.

Because the beauty of the life you have now really is your heaven on earth.

It took a walk through hell to get here, the loss of familiar things, a breaking free of family and friends, going against the common way of thought,..but there is no other place I'd rather be then where I am today.

Your world is full of others who want you to be something for them, but what is it you want to be? To do? How do you want to live?

You already know these answers. 

You have your reasons for not doing them.

I know what they are.

But, I also know you don't have to live a life less than you desire. 

And I pray this year you at least take one small step forward. 

Trust me, it is so worth it! 

And when others start to question you, to call you names---just call me.