For Now, My Little One

As I awoke to the pitter-patter of 6 little feet, I could not help but think about you. I do not know where you are, but I wonder about you every day.
This morning was hard as I watched you sisters open up (probably too many) Christmas gifts and I wondered what your morning was like. Did you celebrate Christmas? Did you have a tree? Did you receive any presents? Did you know the story of Jesus' birth?
I want you to know that not a single day goes by that I do not wonder about you. I wonder what you look like, what you like to play, what your favorite food is, what is your favorite color, what does your laugh sound like, do you like to sleep with a nightlight on? Oh so much of this is meaningless, but I still wonder.
There is so much that I cannot wait to share with you. I cannot wait to see what dynamic you bring to our family. I cannot wait to provide you with unconditional love and security.
I do not know where you are coming from or when we will meet you, but I am ready to walk beside you (and carry you if necessary) through whatever lies ahead.
You are loved beyond measure.
And so tonight, as always, I send you hugs and kisses and I pray that you are protected by His angels.
For now, my little one, goodnight.

No More Just Motions

It has been awhile since I have posted, I know. There is so much that I have been thinking lately and I have not had much time to write.
I am realizing that they way I want to be is not the way I am. The life that I want to have is not the one I am living. More importantly I wonder if it lines up with what God wants for me.
I started the year off feeling so close to God and loved, loved the feeling that he was right beside me... that I could turn and talk to Him any time (and I did) and He was right there. I felt truly in His presence and in relationship with Him. But somewhere along the line I let our relationship go.
I know God is still standing beside me, I see Him daily as I am surrounded by His blessings, yet I have let this relationship become one-sided. I have not invested into our relationship lately.
So as I look forward to the close of one year and the beginning of another I seek to stop going through the motions and live.
One of my new favorite songs is The Motions by Matthew West-
"This might hurt, It's not safe, but I know that I've gotta make a change, I don't care if I break, at least I'll be feeling something, 'cause just ok is not enough. Help me fight through the nothingness of life, I don't wanna go through the motions, I don't wanna go one more day without your all consuming passion inside of me. I don't want to spend my whole life asking- What if I had given everything? Instead of going through the motions."
I desire to be the Sarah that God wants me to be. I desire to feel truly in His presence and fulfilling His purpose for me in this life. I desire to live. Truly living in each day.

Peace. Soon. Please

I am searching for peace in this mess with Ben's infections. (Sadly Ben's Achilles tendon surgery has resulted in two infections, medications, and bed rest.) I was chatting with a good friend last night and she mentioned Job. Even more so, I cannot imagine how he managed through all of his trials.
I feel so far from peace. I really do feel like Jesus is right next to me yet I cannot reach him. I suppose I could be inflicting this on myself, but I feel removed. That there is this barrier between us. I know we are surrounded in prayer and love, yet I feel distant from the Comforter.
I tried to sing praises in church, yet all I could do was cry.
I am broken. I want to be strong, have confidence that He is in control, and able to accept the recovery period with grace, yet I am empty.
So please, God, please send me peace. soon. please.

I've been tagged

I have been tagged by kiley. The rules are 1. link to the person that tagged you and post the rules on your blog 2. Share 7 random/weird facts about yourself 3. Tag 7 random people at the end of your post and include links to their blogs 4. Let each person they know they have been tagged by leaving a comment on their blog.

My 7 facts:
1. I am an occassional vegetarian. I was a vegetarian for 5 years in high school and now again since January. I was reading Leviticus for devotions during lunch and the animal sacrifices really got to me. Now I cannot eat meat without feeling sick.

2. I am part Arabian. Sometimes I really think that I must have an oil field in my family.

3. I love to travel but always feel queasy when flying. This was not so bad before I was pregnant.

4. I do not like heights, yet want to go skydiving. I can handle heights as long as I am not looking down.

5. I always wanted to live near a beach. After college I lived a half an hour from the beach/ocean and never had time to go there. Now I dream of living near the beach again.

6. I love to sing and dance. I try not to let the fact that I am not that great at either keep me from singing and dancing.

7. I constantly wonder how I am doing as a mother and will my girls turn out okay. It was comforting to read the other day in Maddie's journal that "If she were a superstar, her
name would be Sarah." I just hope she was referring to me.

I am tagging Amanda, Anne, Jen, Mary, Tiffany, Jen and Kathy. I will put the rest of the links in later.

The Voice of a Deaf Man

(A true story from 2000)

I had just left Wal-Mart and was going over my to-do list in my mind as I got into my car. Suddenly there was a knock on my window and I looked up to see a very scraggly looking man with his face pressed to my window. I was not sure whether to start the car and get out of there as soon as possible, since I was alone, or to roll down the window and see what he wanted.

In the split second I was debating what to do he held up a card and pointed to it. On the one side it said, “Pardon Me, I am deaf. Selling these for my living. Pay any price you will. Thank you.”

I shook my head no and watched as he turned around to leave. He walked with a slight limp and went up to the next person he could find. At the time I worked in a program to end homelessness and knew that many people tried to collect money to buy alcohol and drugs. I did not want to contribute if this was his agenda.

Had he asked for a coat, socks, or something else material I gladly would have given it to him, but I was hesitant giving money. I started my car and proceeded to head out of the parking lot when I was suddenly struck with guilt. We are reminded over and over again in the Bible to help those less fortunate, to not turn away another in need. Even though I was unsure what he would do with the money, I was reminded that giving is not about what I want or expect the receiver to do with the gift.

I decided to turn the car around and try and catch this man in the parking lot. I got out some money, rolled down my window and started driving up and down the rows of parked cars. Sticking my head out the window I started yelling, “hey” as I drove around beeping my horn like a maniac. I did get me some questioning looks from others, but continued my quest. And as my frustration rose and I was about to give up, I had to remember he was deaf and perhaps really could not hear all my racket.

I laughed at myself and finally parked the car and decided to walk over to him. I finally caught up to him, handed him some money, and smiled. He smiled back in response and nodded as he handed me a card like the one he had shown me at first. He signed thank you as I walked back to my car.

I laughed on the way home replaying the event in my mind. I must have looked like a crazy woman trying to chase this man down in the parking lot, but the feeling of guilt had subsided. I am not sure what happened to that man or what my money was used for, but I do know that this experience has helped me to not be so quick to dismiss others in need, no matter what they are asking for. And to this day I carry my “I am deaf. Selling these for my living” card in my wallet as a reminder.

Trust and Obey

Recently I had the revelation that I am not really trusting God. There is a situation right now that has been draining me (emotionally and physically) for weeks and I thought I had given it to God...
Today though I realized that I am not trusting God. I cannot say I ever really heard the voice of God as one would hear someone speak, but I sensed today that I am not trusting Him. I felt God saying to me, "Just trust Me," and I responded,"But I am." And he impressed on me , "No, you are not." And then I could almost see him standing there in my kitchen, with his hands stretched out in front of him, palms up as if reaching to take my burden, tenderly looking at me with his eyes reflecting my sadness saying, "Trust me." And I knew that I had not trusted Him. I have not really sought his comfort, direction and love.
I need to trust Him.

"But we never can prove, The delights of His love, Until all on the altar we lay; For the favor He shows, and the joy He bestows, Are for them who will trust and obey.... Trust and obey for there's no other way, To be happy in Jesus, but to trust and obey."

Interpretation

Stress! Things have been rough the past few weeks and no matter how hard I try to have a positive attitude, my days still ends stressful. I think it is like Pavlov's classical conditioning--- even now hearing a person's name immediately brings me stress, a CR or conditioned response. Thankfully this is not everyday. And boy do I really look forward to those days.
Other the other hand I keep reminding myself that I do believe that the will of God will not lead you, where the grace of God cannot keep you. I just am trying to make sure that I am interpreting the will of God correctly.

Literally

The other day Cassidy asked for a napkin to wipe her face. She proceeded to wipe her face and I told her she needed to "wipe the other side." She took the napkin and tried to wipe her bottom.
Sometimes I forget she is (almost) 2 and takes things literally.

Exploring Adoption

We have officially started exploring adoption! This is an exciting and scary time for us. Adoption is something I have always felt called to do and we have both come to a point where we are ready to really consider adopting. The girls are very excited about the idea of welcoming a new brother or sister into our home.
It is strange to me to think that somewhere in our world is a little child waiting for a family and that we may be that family.
I ask for you to pray for us when we come to mind. Pray as we fill out all the paperwork and journey through this process, pray that we will sense God's leading and hear him clearly, pray for our teachers, social workers, and everyone involved in working with us, and pray for our son or daughter who does not yet know we love them.

Finding Me Again

I was looking back at the books I read over the past year and noticed a trend--- most were books on how to be a better mom, how to be a better wife, how to be better at time management, how to be a better Christian, etc. Now I am all for self-betterment (I doubt that is a word, but I like it), but when my stack of how to be better books was significantly larger than my reading for enjoyment pile, I got a little worried. Did I really view myself as needing that much betterment?
I have this mental list of things that I know I need to and have been trying to work on, but lately I have been realizing that perhaps my view of me is clouded too much but what I am not, than what I am.
And so now I am starting to become comfortable in my own skin. I am not completely abandoning my betterment list, just balancing the negatives with double the amount of positives and embracing (what I see as) my imperfections not as imperfect parts of me, but as who I am.
Somewhere between college, marriage and now, I had some tainted views of what I thought a wife, mother, etc. should be and how they should act. Instead of being Sarah as a wife or Sarah as a mother, I tried to be Sarah as the Perfect Wife, Sarah as the Perfect Mother and this led to not being Sarah.
I remember Ben once saying to me that he missed the old Sarah. He has no idea how much that comment has played over and over again in my mind. It has just taken me much longer to realize I missed her too.
So now I stand here feeling like I am no longer looking at my naked self through a magnifying glass, but looking at myself through eyes that have just looked directly into the sun- Seeing a blotch of shadowy imperfections yet knowing that my eyes will readjust and I will see myself again.

A Vacation from Vacation

So I just got back from a week of vacation. On my vacation I spent one day traveling to our destination, one day at the Bronx Zoo, one day traveling to Allentown to visit my grandfather, one day in NYC, one day at Seaside Heights beach and one day traveling home. It was a wonderful and fun time, but a vacation???
Traveling with 3 girls- 6,4, and 20 months- is enough to drive the most calm person a little nuts and I am far from calm. Thankfully the girls were actually almost angelic on the ride to and from home.
So I took an extra day off work to rest. On this day I unpacked everyone, cleaned the house, cleaned the car and went to the food store.
The nice thing about our vacation was that Ben was able to get many house projects finished while we were away. So while I did not have a "vacation" it is so nice to look around and see the dining room door trimmed, our bedroom project complete--- cleaning out the mold, removing the carpet and part of the wall, fixing the wall, putting in laminate flooring, the porch columns completed and all white, and the many other things that Ben finished up.
I think we both now need a real vacation.

An Arabian Princess

Somewhere in my childhood land of make believe I was an Arabian Princess. It all started with my fifth grade English project on writing a family story. It also helps that my name- Sarah- means princess. Below you will see the actual story taken from my fifth grade paper (as I wrote it exactly in fifth grade)....
"My grandfather lived in Arabia on the Desert. He lived in a tribe named Saah. He wanted to come to America. The people on Ellis Island said he was not allowed to be an immigrant. On the way back to his home he jumped off the ship and swam ashore to texas. He became a big business man. My grandfather who told me about this had two last names. one was Elias and the other was the tribal name Saah. Elias was the name my great grandfather used when he came to America."
Honestly, it still is fun sometimes to picture myself dressed in elaborate silk clothing and jewels riding a camel surrounded by an entourage of men who jump at my command.
Surely to others this is something that they would never see. For too many times we do not share our stories, true or not, for fear of what others would think.
I thought about this more as I sat and listened to others talk about my grandmother at her funeral, it was so interesting to see her through another's eyes. For what she was to me was so narrowed in my own perception of who I thought she was.
It makes me wonder how many times I have not really seen others as they were or are or sometimes wish to be. My hope is that I try to not let my perception of someone, hinder them from being themself.

It is well with my soul

Today my grandmother entered into the presence of her Heavenly Father. It also happens to be my mom's birthday, and it was her mother who passed.
I search for comfort, looking to my Lord silently singing...."When peace like a river attendeth my soul, when sorrows like sea billows roll, whatever my lot, Thou hast taught me to say, It is well, it is well with my soul."
Oh I wish those words could only help the ache go away. For I cling to the hope and promise that I will be able to rest in the knowledge that it really is well with my soul.
I have carried a card around in my Bible that we received when Pop passed away in 1995. " A rose once grew where all could see, sheltered beside a garden wall, And, as the days passed swiftly by, it spread its branches, straight and tall... One day a beam of light shone through a crevice that had opened wide--- The rose bent gently towards its warmth then passed beyond to the other side.... Now, you who deeply feel its loss, be comforted--- the rose blooms there--- Its beauty even greater now nurtured by God's own loving care."
Oh God, thank you for allowing us to be blessed with Grandma for so many years. Thank you for sustaining her through trials and never letting her faith waver. Thank you for loving her more than we ever could. Thank you for ending her pain and welcoming her home. Thank you for loving me and hearing my cry in sorrow.

Riding with Jesus

As my grandmother sits waiting to dance in the arms of her Heavenly Father, I have been thinking a lot. What is it like to know that your journey on earth is nearing completion? Does one even comprehend the final moments?
I think many of us, especially when someone near us is dying, tend to think about our own lives more. I already have a list of things I would like to do in life--- some small, some big. And thankfully I have been blessed with a wonderful husband and friends who join me in my adventures.
As a mom of 3 girls I tend to get wrapped up in their adventures, which is great, but I also need to embrace my dreams. I am not advocating one neglect being a mother/wife to pursue their own dreams, but I do think we often place our dreams on a back burner too often. And before we know it time is gone.
I can remember my Grandma telling me years ago how she wanted to ride a motorcycle with a white scarf blowing in the wind. She might have been joking, but I remember the smile on her face and the light in her eyes as she talked. What is it that holds us back? Why do we wish and let time pass by?
Grandma, may you pass without regrets, may you know you are surrounded in love, and may you enjoy your motorcycle ride with Jesus with your white scarf blowing in the wind.